We arrived at the beach house around four o'clock in the afternoon. The sun was bright and the trees were beautiful. I stepped out of the car and was greeted by sounds of birds chirping, leaves waving, and the occasional whoop or holler of a nearby child. In short, this looked to be a fun time.
We were staying on an Island, it was a vacation resort off the coast of South Carolina. It was expensive too - but we were only staying a week, and could afford it. I helped my family unpack, that family consisting of me (Jake), my sister Karen, and my parents. My sister was only five, I was sixteen. Anyway, I finished helping them unpack and organize everything inside the three bedroom brown beach house; and decided to go for a walk, since our rental bikes weren't here yet. It wasn't that far anyway, and since it was my second year here I knew my way around. So I left and walked down the tree lined bike paths that led to my destination, the straw market, or the center of the island in the way of consumer activity. It wasn't too busy, most people were still probably out by the beach. I was hot from the walk, and traveled the boardwalk along a cramped cluster of light blue shops and small restaurants until I came to an ice cream parlor. I stopped and bought a soda, no need to get filled up before the extravagant cookout dinner mom was no doubt preparing now.
I sat on a bench and looked around at the activity. There was a small family, parents and two small children, buying ice cream where I had just come from, some boys riding bicycles rather fast on one of the trails, and a group of teens at a table near one of the small restaurants eating a pizza; they were talking and laughing and having a great time. It caused a pang of hurt in me, already I missed my friends and felt alone. My aunt and her son, Dennis (who was around my age), my cousin, were coming in a few days, but I hadn't seen him since we were both in teenage mutant ninja turtle underwear and playing GI Joes.
I watched the pizza group a little longer, there were three boys and two girls. One of the boys had his arm around a blond girl, he looked a little older, and the others were sitting around the table in a more friendly position. I began to stare at one of the boys on the right a little too long, and had to snap out of it before someone saw me staring. He was a sight though, short blond hair, looked around fifteen or maybe sixteen, five or five and a half foot, brown eyes, slim. He had a muscle shirt and what looked like a pretty good build. I had too divert my attention away from him again, I was starting to take an interest in this kid that was more than acceptable to most people.
I guess if you haven't guessed by now or totally freaked, I'm not exactly your run of the mill girl crazy sixteen year old guy. I am crazy, at least in the hormone sense, but, well, it isn't for girls, not most of the time anyway. Most of the time it's for guys. People of my own sex, my own likeness, my own.. parts. I do get feelings from girls, but it's more like the occasional feelings that guys get about other guys every now and then, I think. I'm not ready to label myself because my tastes have changed over the past few years, but they've always centered around guys. Boys, actually, always usually a year or two younger. Not kids, of course, but still younger. I may in some sort of denial or something, but every time I feel attracted to another girl, I get hopeful, hopeful that maybe it is just a phase, or a passing fetish, or something like that. I don't want to accept what I have been thinking and obsessing about for years, that I may be gay. Hey, see even now I won't commit to saying that I am truly one way or another, I won't decide. I'm afraid too, I guess. I don't want to be that. No offense to other homosexuals, I myself can't imagine not enjoying the looks of guys the way I do, but you all (and maybe myself, too) lead a tough life. I saw in school everyday the hatred for homosexuals; and especially since I live in a small hillbilly town the danger it would be for one. I actually can't even think right now of one person I even know in this town that has come out. I know I never will, even if I get around to deciding what I am. That doesn't mean I don't want someone to talk to about it, gay or not. I wanted to talk to my best friend about it all once, but one night he was over at my house he saw a gay person on TV and he went off about it, how he hated them and that they were the reason society was crumbling and stuff, and I didn't really offer any argument, mostly out of fear of accusation. That night I decided not to come out to anyone until I was sure of their reaction, or at least general position.
I'm not gonna lie, it sucks to be the way I am. I can't go out and hit on chicks, since I have no desire to I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work, and I can't go out and really hit on guys, either. I want all the same things other guys want, sex, a close relationship, all that. Well, not all guys want that, but they almost always want sex. I can get so depressed some times because I can't even look, I'm never even met another gay person. I feel like I'm the only person in the world with this problem, and I know I'm not, but that doesn't matter, I still feel that way.
I'm tired of listening to why the very most primal preference I have is wrong. I know it's wrong according to most of society, for most people, and of course, for God. Having that wedged between me and God has lessened my faith. How fair is it to go to hell for my feelings, especially the ones I can't stop, the most basic and harmless feelings of attraction and love?! I've talked to others on the Internet saying that it's not the right interpretation of the bible that God is against gays, but that's not what I'm being preached to by our pastor, and who am I to trust? A pastor I've gone to for advice on God for all my life; or some few on the net claiming an opposite story? I grapple with that less lately, having decided to just be happy with myself and believe in the common good, blah blah. There's still the problem of the constant yearning for love, sex, gratification. Masturbation, although vital, has become less and less exciting than what it was at twelve; more and more boring and despising. It's almost like admitting I can only have myself, and never be able to share with anyone else. I would kill just for a kiss, or a simple hug. I kissed a girl I was involved with a few months ago, and quickly after that broke it off. My first and probably only girlfriend. That kiss was so mechanical, I felt nothing, nothing but her tongue -- and teeth -- in my mouth, and the clacking and slurping. It was almost disgusting. She looked happy, though. I just felt cold, and awful, for having used her, like an experiment, to try to be normal and happy at the same time. Needless to say it didn't work. My friends don't really suspect a thing, at least nothing I can tell. One actually asked me if I was gay, once, but I responded no after a pause, because he sounded serious, and he had said "because that's ok." To this day that comforts me, but then again I don't know whether or not he was lying to try to get something out of me or was really my friend. We aren't friends anymore because of other reasons, and I guess I'll never know.
Back to the present, I checked my watch, and found I had been dwelling on all this for a half hour, mom must have the traditional meal already laid out for us and I was late. I got up from the now warm bench and began walking back to my trail leading home when I saw him.
He was around five foot, light brown really short forward hair, and blue eyes like the sky that complimented the ocean; he had a small and cute mouth, a plump nose, a few freckles under his eyes, a nice reddish tan. He was wearing a nice white collared shirt and khaki long shorts. He had fairly muscular arms and legs, his shirt was tucked and he looked to be slim, but I'm sure not the rib-showing slim. He was smiling at someone, looked like a friend, but I didn't look over long enough to notice whether that friend was a girl or guy, I wished I had later. But I couldn't take my eyes off this boy for more than a few seconds. He was perfect in my eyes! Then he looked over in my direction, and I froze. His eyes squinted in the sun, making his whole face even cuter, almost comical. He started to walk in my direction, I starting sweating. I was wearing a white tee-shirt and blue jean shorts, and he was sure to notice the stains under my arms that had to be forming. I began to panic. I was nothing to this boy, I was too tall, around six foot, with stupid short and semi-spiked dark brown hair, I was too large, about 160 lbs, and I was just ugly. My eyes were an ugly green and I had a white face, I was ugly! Plus, what was I even thinking, he was probably as straight as straight got, that was probably his girlfriend who he goes home and screws every night and than smokes a cigarette and laughs at the likes of pathetic people like me who are-
"Hi, how ya doing?" His mouth moved and made sound, he was only a few feet from me, and smiling, I stood there.
"Ga- great, I'm great, uhm, how you are?" The worlds stumbled horribly, and I almost finished my thought out loud! I managed a smile, though.
"Great, too, my name's Kyle, what's yours?" Still smiling, his voice was so sexual, it was kinda gritty but still a little high, like it just turned low and was trying to adjust. It didn't crack, not yet anyway. It was so soft, too.
"J-Jake. Jake Pearson." My name sounded stupid, even.
"Cool, so you vacationing here?" The boy, Kyle, said.
"Yeah, just got here to-today, uhm, yeah, I'm here on vacation."
"Me too. Been here a week, still here another week. How long are you here?"
"This week, uhm, leaving on.. Sunday, I think."
"Lucky, I have to leave Saturday, a day earlier than you."
"You've been here longer, though." I was actually starting to calm down, I stopped stuttering, and sweating.
"Yeah, that's true. So what are you up to right now? I was going to go get some dinner, my parents are at a cocktail party, and I was left to fend for myself. You ate yet?"
"Yeah, I mean no, but I was on my way home to eat, my family's cooking out, uhm, you could come along if you want, I mean, you don't have to, but that's where I have to eat." I couldn't believe it, I was inviting this guy to dinner, and I didn't even know his last name, or why he was suddenly talking to me, or why he was having such an effect on me!
"I love cookouts, great, I'll come! Your family won't mind, will they?"
"No, my mom always makes too much anyway, they'll welcome another mouth to feed." And I in particular would welcome this mouth for anything.
"Alright, well let's go then, I'm starving" He then started to walk on the trail I had been heading for.
"Yeah, me too, here, it's this way." I walked beside him and brushed his arm, it was like heaven.
We talked along the way, I became more and more comfortable with being around him, and we exchanged information about where we were from, age and school years, interests, a few jokes, families, I told him about my cousin, and of course about our dream cars. Turns out he's a freshmen- going to be a sophomore- in high school, and was fourteen. His birthday was in July, and he was a bit of a late bloomer, but I figured that out by myself, he didn't show any sign of facial hair, except for the light hair on the back of his neck, and his face still looked like that of a boy's face. He didn't look like a boy anywhere else really, just his face was so exuberant, and almost always smiling. He was beautiful. He didn't make me feel ugly, though, quite the opposite, he seemed interested in knowing me just as much as I was interested in him. His eyes seemed to look straight through my head into my soul, he looked like he was trying to read me, he probably was. He made me feel.. attractive. I didn't think that way, I kept wondering about my facial expression, and my hair and such. He seemed comfortable, but then again I probably wouldn't have thought a bad thing of him if had been the most nervous person in the world.
We arrived at my place, and walked upstairs. My family was surprised to see I had brought someone with me, I wasn't exactly the most outgoing and friendly extrovert in the world, you know. But they accepted and treated him like all my other friends, we ate and he talked a lot, he was easily the highlight of the dinner. He told us all about different parts of the island, where to eat and where not to, and other stuff. The food was good, and he made sure to point that out to my mom constantly. I just sat there and watched him eat, even seeing the food in his mouth when he smiled with a mouthful was sensual, I was falling hard for this kid. My mom asked me why I wasn't eating; I just replied I wasn't hungry. Which I wasn't, really. I was too infatuated with Kyle, whose last name turned out to be Rusnick. Kyle Rusnick, a name I repeated constantly that night, it sounded good on my tongue.
After dinner I showed Kyle some of my things in my room, he just collapsed on one of the single beds in the room and announced he was stuffed and tired from the meal. He still appeared interested in the stuff I was showing, pointing out a few bands he liked too as he went through my CD collection. We both had a similar interest in alternative rock, particularly Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Smashing Pumpkins, and surprisingly he had heard of and liked a small time new band called Imperial Teen, one of my favorites. He looked so good lying on the bed, stretching and putting his hands behind his head. I had to sit down and try to act normal, for fear of a certain part of me getting excited and causing problems that were sure to freak him out. We talked some more, my sister interrupted and showed off some ballerina moves to him, he laughed and treated her with kindness while I folded my arms in annoyance. Finally she left, but then he made another announcement, he had to go, his parents were going to be home soon and he didn't want them to worry. I frowned and let out a visual sigh of disappointment, a little too showing, but I couldn't help it, I didn't want him to go more than anything at the moment. He told me where he lived, a similar beach house neighborhood not very far from my own. They all had one purpose really, just to have easy access to the ocean. As he was walking out, he said:
"Hey, why don't you come to the beach tomorrow morning with me and some friends, I'll introduce you to the group."
"Sure, that'd be great, when should I come over?" I was once again talking before thinking. Uh-oh, "the group" as he had mentioned sounded like a click. I wasn't too good with clicks.
"Don't worry bout' that, I'll just come by and pick you up, we'll be going in a jeep. Be ready, suit, lotion, towel, water, money, all that stuff- by around eleven o'clock. We'll probably be back around four. See you tomorrow, kay?" He smiled and walked down the steps of the house. I said "Cool, bye," and watched him till he was out of sight.
I then went to my room, locked the door, and relieved myself. After I finished, I laid on my bed fantasizing about Kyle, what I had been doing both while relieving and after, something that didn't usually happen. I was definitely falling in love with Kyle, and falling fast. I was in love with a person I wasn't even sure was on the same level with me, wow. God, help me. I eventually fell asleep, worrying about tomorrow. Like usual, what else is there to do at night right before you fall asleep?
My eyes opened slowly to the sight of trees and sunlight glistening. I was warm and content, well, there was one thing I was missing. His name started with a - ah, who am I fooling? I couldn't remember any dreams, but I know I had a lot that night. It was almost certain who they involved. I looked at the clock, almost ten! I had only an hour to get myself together and ready to be with him, at the same time I felt like I couldn't wait, I had only one hour to wait for Kyle! So I got up and took a shower, my family was already probably out at the ocean, it was usual for them to go in the mornings to beat the big sun, and the hoards of other beach goers. The hot water felt good on me, felt relaxing, man, was I tense or what? I was so preoccupied I had almost gotten in the shower with my underwear still on. After the shower, I went through the usual snuff of teenage readiness, or trying to achieve perfection. I looked at myself in the mirror, I was only wearing a towel. Today I actually didn't think I looked that bad. I had a good looking chest, an ok stomach. My arms weren't by any means muscle baron or skinny. I looked ok. The short brown hair that I usually spiked was working well with me today, I half slicked it back, and then messed it up some in the front, so it was still spiky but at the same time had some definition and was forward a little. My eyes were sparkling green today, not like yesterday. Yeah, I was a little harsh on myself yesterday, but that was because Kyle was so beautiful! It still gave me chills (and a few thrills) to think about him. I stopped messing with my hair, put on some deodorant, a little cologne, washed my face again, and brushed my teeth for around ten minutes. Had to get them white. Now, what I was to wear? This question would take awhile. I flipped through outfits and stuff, matched, mismatched, and finally realized we were going to the beach, we'd have to swim. I pondered whether to put on my suit now, or wait till we get there to change. I decided not to be wet all day and put on some corduroy shorts and a white muscle shirt. It was loose on me, but I thought it looked good. Then I laced up some sandals, packed my swim trunks, towel, lotion, and some money in my bag and checked out the window to look for my Romeo. It was eleven on the dot, hmm, no Rom- I mean no Kyle. What if he didn't show up? What if he decided I was fruity or too uncool, or what if they have a full car already and he can't be friends with me and-
The bright green jeep pulled into my driveway and I saw a guy that looked about my age, or maybe a year older, in the driver seat. The passenger held a girl that was looked kind of small, but pretty, and in the back sitting alone was my Kyle. He was wearing cord shorts too! I thought of changing, but thought against it. He was wearing a bright blue top anyway, and none of them were in what looked to by swimming suits, so I guessed right there. They hit the horn and I opened my door and almost forgot to shut it. Then I jumped down the steps and walked over to the side opposite Kyle. They opened the door and I got in. Kyle greeted me first, that big smile overpowering me again.
"Hey! Great to see ya." He then introduced me to his friends.
"This is Jake, everyone." Then he looked at me.
"Jake, the guy driving is Martin, and the girl up front is Andrea. We have one more person to pick up, Jamie, before we head up to the beach." Then the jeep backed out onto the road and sped away.
I kept pretty quiet on the ride, except for answering a few normal questions from Andrea. I was more worried about Jamie, was it a guy or a girl? Andrea seemed to be with Martin, just from the way they talked and the way they looked at each other, and would this Jamie belong to Kyle? I looked over at him, I was so engrossed in him, it's like nothing else mattered. I had to take short looks, I swear for every time I jerked my head around to make it seem I was looking everywhere instead of looking just at Kyle, they must've thought I was in dire need of some downer drug.
After what seemed like hours, but was only about fifteen minutes, we arrived at a house. It was bigger than most, and had the sense of power. Someone came out the front door, and I saw the long flowing hair and knew it was a girl. Jamie was a girl. I immediately started to sweat, worried already and maybe a little envious. As it would have it, though, she walked over to my side of the jeep.
"Jake, scoot over here and give Jamie some room." Kyle was asking me to move closer to him, to be between him and Jamie!
"Hi, I'm Jamie." She gave me a small smile, one of passing interest. I did the same.
"I'm Jake. Nice to meet you." I looked ahead again. Things were a little cramped, and I was touching shoulder to shoulder with both of them. One was somewhat more exciting than the other, if you couldn't guess.
We arrived at the beach around eleven thirty, and already it was packed. Martin parked the jeep and we all got out. I just followed Kyle while they all talked about what they wanted to do; Martin and Kyle both wanted to swim, and Jamie and Andrea wanted to work on their tans. We found the changing rooms and split up accordingly. Martin was the first to get changed, I fumbled with stuff in my bag and went a little slow. Kyle was over messing with his hair in front of a mirror. I had my shorts off and was putting them in a locker when Martin left, and Kyle came over and took off his shirt. I stood there in my underwear, and caught myself staring. Only I wasn't the only one, he noticed too. But he just smiled and went on, lowering his shorts next. I opened my locker and put some stuff in it. Then I had a sudden problem. I had stared a little too long, I was getting excited. I looked in horror at my underwear as it started to grow! I looked back at Kyle, and he chose then to take off his boxers. I caught a glimpse of him, but pulled my eyes away quickly. All I could tell was he had one and that he had a patch of hair, nothing else. This was enough, however, to bring my problem up a little more! I was almost fully erect now. I pulled down my shorts and it popped right up. I had my back turned, though, and was able to get my trunks on ok, but it was tough and I'm sure I gave off a long show of my backside. After I had my shorts on Kyle walked by and out with his towel. I let out a sigh of relief. And started calming down, what a nightmare. I finished changing and brought out my towel and lotion, leaving my other stuff including my shirt in the lockers. Kyle was already in the water, Jamie was already laying on a towel and Andrea was trying to convince Martin to stay out of the water and rub lotion on her back. He didn't need to much convincing, and I saw him squeezing lotion on his hand while I walked out to the water.
Kyle was out pretty far, and I started to swim out to him. All that time I put into my hair was taken apart in one wave. The water was an ok temperature, and the waves were pretty large. The ocean was so beautiful and blue, just like the color of Kyle's eyes. I reached Kyle and he greeted me with his usual smile and a playful splash. I ducked under another wave and came up and met his arms as the tried to splash me again. Touching him was a new and quite nice sensation. He was pretty strong even though I was taller, and we wrestled in the water some. Then we drifted and just splashed around in the waves. Eventually we got out and paled around in the sand some, Martin and Andrea were laying together in the sun. Kyle was a real physical person, always touching or slapping or patting. One thing he did a lot while were would talk in the sand was he would casually put his hand on the back of my neck, like when we were walking or something. Or maybe he would hold onto my shoulder when he was laughing or something. Needless to say it was driving me insane. He didn't know what he was doing to me! He would tackle me by putting both arms around my stomach from behind and pull me down if he could. He would lean his body on me with his shoulder on my chest while we were laying in the sand and would look me straight in the eye, but quickly would get up and kick sand up my shorts or something.
Meanwhile Andrea, Jamie and Martin just laid there, although once in awhile Kyle would talk to them about something. Around two-thirty in the afternoon Jamie announced it was time for lunch, that she was tired of the beach. Martin and Andrea decided we would go to a place called Garfield's, and Kyle informed me it was good. So we cleaned up and headed for the changing rooms, Kyle and Martin already entering them. One problem, though, I was covered in sand, like Kyle was, and I was going to have to shower. I was sure he was going to, too. What was I going to do about if that problem I had earlier arose again, as it was sure to? I would certainly freak both Kyle and Martin if I walked out of the shower, or even into it, with a raging hard-on! Why is it sometimes it seems like your body is working against you?
"So how was your day today, Jake?" My mother asked me as she popped a grape into her mouth.
"Oh, fine. We went to the beach and then ate lunch at Garfield's." I joined her on the couch and grabbed some grapes.
"Well, we had a great time, your father and Karen and I went to the beach earlier in the morning to beat the crowds, then we went for a nice bicycle ride around the islands. We had lunch in the pavilion. It would have been nice if you had been there, but we want you to know we're not unhappy, we're glad your making friends." Mom finished the last word as my father walked in.
"Hey, sport, haven't seen you all day, what you been up to?" My father was already red form the sun. He was a big man, tall with dark hair like mine, and green eyes.
"He was at the beach." My mom answered for me.
Dad said, taking off his sunglasses, "Well, Karen and I just found a cool place to go tonight, seems there's a new putt-putt n' golf just outside our section of the island; it wasn't here last year."
"That sounds fun," said mom, then, looking at me, "doesn't that sound fun tonight, Jake?"
"Yeah, it does, but I already made plans with Kyle and his friends. Promise I'll go another time." After saying this I jumped up from the couch and went to my room, no way I was going to take a chance on my plans tonight. Oh, your probably wondering what happened back at the showers. Well, turns out, I was so shriveled from the water, my problem didn't exist. I didn't see anything, anyway, they were both in shower stalls before I got there and out before I got out. I caught up with Kyle changing, though, and was able to look at his chest awhile more. No more hair than a little peach fuss around his chest and stomach. Just perfect.
So then we went to lunch, nothing big. I sat next to Andrea and Kyle, and we ate and talked, though they did most of the talking. Jamie seemed to be trying to flirt with Kyle, and it made me extremely jealous. I hid it well though and won out of Jamie for Kyle's attention. We were laughing and joking most of the time, even the ride home. Kyle asked me to go with him and another couple of friends if his to a party at the pool, and I of course said yes. They were going to come by later and pick me up around seven, he said he had to check in and then he was going to wash some clothes before the party. I got home around four.
Now I had about two hours to kill before I went to the party. I decided to get a magazine or something, so I biked down to the local general store. I bought a Teen People and a GQ. Plus some candy and a coke. On my way back home I spotted Jeremy, an old friend I made last year that I hung out with most of time here. I didn't even think he'd be back, what a surprise! I waved to him and he recognized me.
He yelled: "Hey, Jake, that you?"
"Yeah, hi! Hold on, I'm coming over there!" I looked around and didn't see any cars, so I crossed the street on my bike.
When I got over there, I smiled and said: "So you're here, cool. How long?"
"A couple more days, we've been here now two weeks. I have to go fishing with my dad later, and then I have to go to dinner with my relatives. But other than that I'm free, what are you up to tomorrow night?" He still looked the same, where as I had changed. I could see he was also still under his parents strict rule.
"Yeah, ok, gimme a call, same number as last year, 555-4304. We could mess with people again like we did on that one night with the crazy lady. You got any fireworks?" I had a fetish for destruction, so, didn't every sixteen year old boy?
"Yeah, cracker and smokers, I remember. Hey, I gotta go, I'll stop by tomorrow night, ok?"
"Yeah, sure, just come on in, I'll probably be in my room and my parents will be out for sure." I then said goodbye and we went separate ways. Jeremy was a pretty cool kid, it was going to be fun hanging out with him again.
Back at home I was getting restless. I had eaten all that sugar and couldn't read comfortably, so I tried working out and even running a little. Finally it turned around six and I took another shower. I was ready by six-thirty and still nervous. Not so much of Kyle but once again of these other friends, what if one was a girl? Then I started to get into that whole debate over whether or not I should even try anything with Kyle, he was probably straight as could be.
I was deep in thought when they pulled up, but the horn snapped me out of it. Didn't people down here ever get out to knock? This time the car was a black Grand Am, real nice. There was once again a girl in the front and a guy at the wheel. They were both very nice looking, and my Kyle was in the back. I got in and we pulled away. The pool house wasn't just a pool, it had a nice bar, dance floor, and tables and chairs set up everywhere. When we got there the party was in full swing, kids dancing and jumping while blue and red and green lights flashed all around them, music loud and vibrating. Kyle immediately dragged me out to the dance floor. He started dancing right away, he was a great dancer. I just sorta bounced, I was so horrible at this sort of thing. The other two in our group, whose names were Mike and Lauren, ended up another couple, dancing together and getting pretty heavy. Kyle would come around and push me every now and then, and sometimes jump on my back. I was having so much fun, just kids jumping and dancing and not having a care in the world. They played great music, too.
After awhile we got tired, and went for something to drink. Mike and Lauren we still dancing, they were playing a few slow songs.
"So, enjoying yourself so far?", said Kyle, as we drank soda and sat at a bench.
"Yeah, this is great, I never even knew this place existed before now. Hanging out with you is really fun, you know?" I was getting a little attached, maybe?
"Thanks, you too. There's something about you, something I really like." Kyle looked me straight in the eyes again, like there was no one else around.
"Well, there's something about you, too, like we have a connection or something." I was started to get a bit dangerous, but I didn't care.
"So what'd you do between times I saw ya today?," Kyle said.
"Oh, uhm, I met up with an old friend by accident, bought some magazines, and just hung around."
"Jack off at all?" Kyle said this casually, which kinda freaked me out all of a sudden.
"...what?" I just looked at him.
" What do you mean what, you jack off, right? Just that after seeing that hard-on you had earlier I thought that you probably had a few days spunk in ya and had to unload." He didn't look at me this time, not directly anyway. I couldn't believe he had seen, I was so embarrassed. I didn't, no, couldn't say anything.
"Sorry, I freak you out or something? It's ok to get hard, happens to me all the time. I just didn't know you didn't masturbate, it's usually a normal thing to joke about." He was still looking away, had I freaked him out?
"No, course not, I jack off, I mean, it's just you surprised me. No, I haven't done that since this morning." I said and blushed right after I said it.
Wait, what did I just say? Did I just admit that my hard-on today wasn't due to lack of care? What am I going to do now, I keep digging my own grave with this kid! Please don't let him ask what I think he's gonnna.
"Oh, then why did you get a hard-on?" He looked at me now, with genuine curiosity. He was so friggin cute.
"I, uhm, I dunno. Just did, I guess. Sometimes that happens to me while I'm changing. Uhm, ah, that ever happen to you?" That's it Jake, bury yourself some more.
"Yeah, I guess a few times. Hey, you ready to go yet or what? You got a curfew?" He said.
"Oh, yeah, midnight. They're flexible, but not unless I have a purpose." I checked my watch, it was eleven forty-one!
"Whoa, we better get going then or you'll be late!" Kyle got up and went over to Mike and Lauren, said something and they left the dancing floor, Mike getting his keys out of his pocket. I got up and followed them as they passed. Kyle and I walked out to the car in silence.
I stared out the window of the car for most of the ride, but when I looked over Kyle was sleeping. I straightened up a little. Kyle was starting to fall- in my direction, he was about to lean his shoulder on mine! I just sat scared, and started sweating. Mike and Lauren were engrossed in each other. Then I felt the small touch of his hair on my cheek. Most of his head was on my shoulder, the rest of him leaning against my arm. I leaned back a little and tried to act like I was asleep to, but it gave less support to Kyle, and he drifted right onto my slouched stomach. His head rested on it while his back and shoulders were on my legs. Worst of all, I was getting hard again, this one would be unexplainable! I just laid there and acted asleep though, my arm draped across Kyle's chest and body. Hey, I couldn't help it! We arrived at my house about ten heaven filled minutes later. When Mike stopped the car Kyle jerked awake and shot up, hair mussed and dreamy looking. I got out of the car and he followed me, right up to my door step.
"Hey, so what are you doing tomorrow?" He was still out of it, but at least speaking properly.
"Nothing. What about you?" I had my hand on the door knob and was worrying about the time.
"Nothing. Nothing at all." He smiled again, now fully awake. "Be over around ten?" He said.
"Ok, yeah, see ya then." I smiled and opened the door.
"Bye" He walked back to the car. "Oh," he yelled back, "better take care of that thing before it pops." He smiled one last time and got in the car.
I just stood there with my mouth open. Eventually I remembered my parents were waiting and I walked back inside. They weren't angry, just a little annoyed. I said good night and went to my room.
I undressed and pulled myself into bed. What did that mean? I knew what it meant, he knew I had been hard, and told me to take care of it. Was he just joking? Was it just funny to him, or had it been erotic? Was he the least bit turned on? Was he gay? Was I - oh, man, if I don't get some sleep I'm not going to be able to get up tomorrow. I set my alarm for nine in the morning and went to sleep, dreaming of my favorite guy.
The next morning I got up around nine. My parents left a note, they had gone shopping in a neighboring town for the day, obviously not inviting me because I hadn't done anything at all with them yet, I kinda felt bad about that. I woke up with the worst sun burn you could imagine, I couldn't even put on a shirt it was so bad. I guess I should have taken the time to put on some lotion yesterday, I wonder if Kyle would have done that for me?
Ah, Kyle. The thing he said last night has had me thinking forever. What did he mean when he said it? Did he notice it when it first came up or what? Or maybe he just saw it when he lifted his head. Either way, shouldn't he have thought it weird? And all that talk about masturbation, but then again most guys talk about that anyway, doesn't mean a thing. Maybe, though, just maybe he is coming on to me. Well, I'll just let things play out and see what develops. I want to make a move, but if he's not gay, where would that leave me? Minus one good friend. But then again, can I stand to be just friends with this kid much longer?
The door bell rings then, I awoke from my day dream and heard it on the last ring. It must be Kyle! I jumped up from my chair and ran over to the door. I was still just wearing some shorts and sox, but I just couldn't out on a shirt, my sun burn hurt too bad. Kyle was at the door smiling as I opened it. He was wearing another muscle shirt, this one red, and some more khaki shorts.
"Hey, why so underdressed? I thought we could walk down to the market and get some lunch, then head out to the beach or maybe find some people and go to the mall or something." Kyle's voice cracked on the last note in his last word. The first time I ever heard him crack, it was like cute!
"Sorry, man, but I can't even put on a shirt much less go out in the sun, this burn is killing me. You can go on without me, if you want, but I can't go out today, maybe tonight." I was so pissed that I had to tell this boy no, I almost didn't care about my sun burn, but the pain kept reminding me. 'Oh, well, I don't wanna ditch ya or anything. Ok if we hang here awhile, see where your sunburn goes?" Kyle said.
"Yeah, sure, my parents are once again out for the day, we could hang here, I was about to watch this movie, Hackers. Ever seen it?" I really was about to watch that movie, it was a favorite of mine.
"Nope, ok, sounds cool." Kyle walked in and I shut the door behind him. Then he took off his shirt and shoes and jumped on the couch.
"Care if I make myself at home?" He crossed his legs and smiled at me.
"Not at all, anything to drink?" I started to the kitchen.
"Coke or something would be nice, if ya got it." He turned on the TV.
I got the cokes and some chips and popped in Hackers. We watched and drank and ate and talked. Mostly just stuff about the movie, but also a lot of personal stuff. Had he ever smoked, had I ever done drugs, been drunk, that kind of stuff. We both had done our share of stuff, but agreed we hadn't liked most of it. Finally,. The girl questions came. Had I ever had a girlfriend? Yes. Had he? NO. Were we both virgins? Yep. Ever make out? I answered yes, he said no. This kid was practically mister popular, and had never made out before? I couldn't believe it!
The movie ended and we talked some more, then he asked me how my shoulders were feeling. I told him there were still pretty bad. Then he asked me something:
"Hey, you know I can rub some of that aloe vera stuff on your burn, it feels a lot better."
I literally just sat there. Finally I snapped to and said yeah, that was cool. So he got up and picked up a bottle from the counter. He sat on the couch, spread his legs and said:
"Here, sit right here and lean forward kinda." He had pointed to the piece of couch between his legs, and there was no place I'd rather be at that moment. I walked over and sat down. I leaned my elbows on my knees and sat down. Then I waited as I heard the bottle shake and the cap open. I could here him squeeze some on his hand, and then- ah, the cool lotion made me shiver. He laughed and soothingly started to massage it into my back. I just sat there in awe, it felt so good. His hands were so tender, and the lotion was cold and refreshing. He made little circular motions, and it pushed me forward a little then brought me back. Then his hands moved up over my neck, and around my shoulder blades and down onto my chest. He used his fingers mostly, they moved and flowed over my skin like clockwork, putting pressure in spots where it felt the best and easing on spots where my burn was the worst. It's like he knew every inch of my body, he knew every little way to make me twitch. Eventually he got to my neck again and this time took more time on it, even hitting my chin a little. Needless to say it was all enough to get me at full attention. I got hard, as I knew I would. I didn't even care. At one point he ran out of the lotion on his hands and sat back a moment. I decided it was time for me to make a move, this was too much a strangeness to be a fluke. He had to be curious, anyway? So I did it, I leaned back into him, and my back touched his chest, and then there was something else, near the upper part of my butt, something hard and pushy and-
"Uhm, hold up!" Kyle jumped up from the couch.
"What," I said, "What's wrong, what's going on?" I stared in horror, what had I done?
"Nothing, I just, uh, hey, I gotta go, I had to do something." Kyle's wood was visible straight through his shorts, he put on his shirt and started on his shoes. My erection was pretty visible, too, I would have almost guessed I was bigger than him.
"Don't you want to take care of that first?" I said, pointing to his tent.
"What? What are you saying, wha- what are you, ga-gay?" He looked at me with wondering eyes.
"No, I mean, course not; I just thought, so you wouldn't have to.." I trailed off and broke eye contact. I was fucked.
"Yeah, uhm ok, hey, I'll see you later, I gotta go." And with that my failure left house, half running, and trying to put on the other sandal.
I sat on the couch staring. I left the door open, like he did, just creaking and waving back and forth. I wanted to die. He wasn't gay, he was straight, and I just ruined our friendship. I ruined my secret, I ruined my Kyle. I started to cry. Then I started to bawl, I couldn't take it, the stress of being different, the stress of being gay, because that's what I was. I was a faggot. And everyone will hate me for it. I got up and walked around awhile, my sun burn was feeling a lot better, thanks to one person I knew I wouldn't be seeing again. Thinking that made my face scrunch up again and begin to sob. I wasn't a loud crier, but I was a big one, my face got red and I just held it in my hands, and I eventually sat in a chair and put a pillow over me. At that moment I truly wished god would take me up and away from this place, I wished to be dead. I started to think thoughts of suicide, how I could do it, where, and how fast. I thought drowning would be the best, considering the ocean and all. I fell asleep.
When I woke up it was around four in the afternoon, just a few hours after the incident and still fresh in my mind. I had stopped crying, but my face was still a little red and I had that dryness or whatever it was around my eyes after you cried for a long time. I got up and got something to eat, last night's pizza and a water. I was so numb. I finished eating and took a shower. I almost cried in there, a good sign I was waking up from the numbness. I dressed and was able to put on a shirt. I decided it was time to get of the house before I started progressing with the thoughts of before, of suicide. It was further away, I wasn't really going to try it, but I still seemed a threat to my sanity if I let myself think about it.
It was cool day, the sun wasn't so bad on my back. I walked down to the beach, and the breeze was wonderful. I started to think what to do for the rest of my time, I decided I was going to try and just completely put Kyle out of my mind, I would hang out with Jeremy for as long as he was here, and then Dennis when he arrived. No problem, only every time I even thought of my life without Kyle I had to stop for fear of breaking down right there on the beach. I wandered and ended up on a secluded part, rocks on all sides and the tide further up. The trees provided shade so I sat down and started to think again, a bad thing. The ocean was so beautiful today, the seagulls flying around and boats out in the distance. But there wasn't anyone around here. Or so I thought. I heard a sound come from the bushes.
"Who's there? Anyone here?" No reply. So I sat back again and pouted for my Kyle.
More sound from bushed behind me, I ignored them this time. I picked up a rock and threw it into the water. Then a sound from right behind me, I turned around and nothing. I looked over and again. Then came his voice, in front of me, my back turned.
"Jake? You ok?" I turned around and there he was, wearing the same clothes and his face looking a little worn too.
I just looked at him, I really had no idea what to say to him.
"Hey, I'm sorry about before, really, I didn't mean to run out like that." He looked at me again, but I said nothing. I still had no clue what to say to this guy. I mean really, hey, it's ok, I'm gay and in love with you but we can be friends again sure.
He looked at me and then his mouth curled, he face bent up and he yelled: "Damnit, say something, would you?!" He got up right in my face, he looked angry.
I didn't know what to say, so instead I said the only thing that came to me.
"I love you."
He stared again. His face turned away from angry into this sad expression, like he was about to cry again.
I decided not to quit. "I loved you from the minute I saw ya, Kyle. You blew me away. I didn't know what to think, and when you rubbed that aloe on me I went near crazy. I'm not going to lie anymore, I'm gay. I'm gay and I love you. I'm sorry." Now it was my turn, my face scrunched up and I started to cry. He just looked at me again with that strange expression again.
"You really are? I don't believe it, wow." Kyle sat down next to me on the ground and draped an arm around me. I looked up at him.
"Jake, uh, I haven't been completely honest with you either. I kinda, I kinda liked you too; not just in a friendly way." Kyle's voice was squeaky and high, and then we both just stared. I scooted closer and put my arms just under his shoulders. He put this other arm on my shoulder-blade. We looked eye to eye, and leaned closer. I felt his breath on my face, He was so warm. We got closer, and I said: "Kyle, uh, could we maybe, if you would like, maybe we could just-" but he cut me off, he put his hand on my mouth. Then he took it away, and his face moved forward, his lips puckered and his eyes closed. I closed mine. A second later, we kissed. His mouth was warm and it opened up, his tongue slipped into my mouth and ours met. I felt like I was flying. He didn't really know what he was doing, I could tell, but I went slow with him and we made out on the beach. The sun seemed to get warmer, and the sounds of the beach louder and more articulate. We would've kissed there all day, but eventually we heard someone coming. I looked up and that same family I saw when I first got here were walking down the beach. It was then we realized we were in a public place, this was a little crazy. I looked at him and smiled, then we both started to crack up laughing. We quickly took our hands off each other and folded them in our laps, I could see we were both also sporting wood harder than the rocks around us. After the family walked by, we ran out of there, laughing. We slowed and walked the beach a little. I wanted to hold his hand, and I'm sure he wanted to mine; but that was impossible, at least in this place and time. Kyle kept looking back at me and smiling, I couldn't help but smile back. This was more than I ever imagined, more than I could have hoped. We walked all the way back to my house, talking about everything, this time with all open channels, no secrets. I had never been so intimate with someone else before. He admitted that had been his first kiss, I assured him he was good. I still had a semi. I felt weird finally talking to someone else in person about being gay; to my new boyfriend at that! It was all so crazy, but the best I'd ever felt in my life.
When we got back to my house things got a little more serious, we started making out on the couch, I wasn't worried, my parents wouldn't be back till late. He sat between my legs in front of me, I brought my legs up and trapped his around me. We made out some more, I could feel him get hard, both our crotches were grinding together. We took off our shirts and necked some. Then I laid down and he laid on top of me. We kissed again, and he started to undo my shorts. I did the same to him. He pulled mine down a little, so I pulled his down around the same. I could see his erection through his boxers, and I thrust my groin and hips onto his. Sometimes we would just hold each other, breathing heavily and feeling the other's heartbeat. I was half in shock, I couldn't think about anything; anything except that I knew I loved him. It was all so sudden and so soon I had completely forgotten about any other plans, and other plans walked right through the door when Kyle and I were half naked and kissing wildy! I heard the door start to open and I looked up, but I wasn't fast enough to even get up off of Kyle. Jeremy, whom I had told to come over earlier, just stared standing halfway in the door. His mouth dropped and we both just sat there. Kyle sat up while I stood up, adjusted myself and pulled my shorts back up. Kyle had a confused look on his face and I had one of horror, one two many in one day. Then Jeremy said softly:
"You're a faggot? A faggot? I don't believe it, that's crazy, you're a fucking faggot!" That last part ended in a high pitched squeal. He got red and he looked about to explode. I felt sick. Jeremy stormed out and slammed the door behind him. I just sat there, stunned. And still sick. Kyle didn't seem too dazed. He tried to comfort me. I just stared at the door again, and wondered what was going to happen now? Was everyone else going to discover my sexuality on the same day I first felt secure in it?
I didn't bother chasing after Jeremy, he was long gone by the time I came around to reality. I had lost my wood and wasn't exactly in the mood for that stuff. I felt sick to my stomach. Kyle rode it out with me all the same, even though I was kinda bad to him about doing stuff on the couch. Once I saw a hurt look in his eyes, though, I lost it and ran over and hugged him.
"I don't care if he tells the whole world, I'll still love you no matter what," I said.
"Ditto," Kyle said, and he pulled me down on the couch. But instead of making out again like teenagers will do, we just laid there with my head on his chest and watched TV for a few hours.
Around four o'clock we decided to go get some lunch. I was worried we would see Jeremy. He was too, but he said he wasn't going to let it ruin his vacation, that no one would believe it anyway. He also made it clear he wasn't ready to come out, and I agreed. So we took some rental bikes and traveled to the boardwalk shops, which had a little eatery that had good subs. As we were sitting down with our food, guess who walked in. Jeremy saw us and gave me a mean look, but he was alone, and I felt a little sorry for him, maybe he's jealous, maybe I'm his only friend around here, who knows? He got his food to go and left, not looking at me again.
After eating we headed off to the pool. We changed in the rooms with three other boys, whom I might add were pretty good looking, even though they didn't hold anything to Kyle. Realizing and saying my love for Kyle I think has already helped me deal with the fact that I am gay. I don't hide my feelings from myself anymore, and it feels like a heavy weight was lifted from me.
Later on that night he called some friends and was told there was a party at one of the more expensive and custom homes nearby. They offered us a ride, but Kyle refused, saying that it was only a ten-minute walk to the house. He told me a walk sounded like fun. I knew he just wanted to hold hands or something. So we set out on a bike trail and walked.
We arrived at the party about twenty minutes later, and just talked to some people. I didn't really know anyone here, I didn't see any of the regulars; course, this wasn't a normal beach house, either, it was a private home. He drank some, and I went to the bathroom. I was in there awhile. When I got out, Kyle was gone. I couldn't find him anywhere in the house, and I checked with the people I saw him talking with and they told me he went with some kids that were going swimming. I couldn't believe it, he ditched me! After all the bull we went through, he just up and leaves me! I was so mad I almost started crying. I guess I felt more alone and hurt, but those were behind anger at the moment. I left the house and started to walk back home. On the way I heard something behind me. I turned around and saw a shadow in the bushes. This kinda freaked me out, here I was walking home at like midnight and alone and there was someone following me. I looked around, even kicked some bushes, but didn't hear anything more. When I got to my house, however, there was someone there. It was Jeremy. His sort of plump figure stood silhouette on my steps. "Hey Jake. What're ya up to?" His voice was cold, no friendliness whatsoever.
"Nothing much, just coming home. And you?" I was still dazed and hurt, didn't feel much like talking to this nobody.
"I'd watch yourself, you might end up like Kyle." My eyes lit up large, and he stood there, confident and brash as ever.
I walked over to him and pushed him down on the steps, I could feel the back of my eyes getting hot, goose bumps all over me; the mixture of fear and anger was swelling to rage.
"What the hell are you talking about," I grabbed his collar and shook him, my voice screeched, "Where's Kyle?!"
Shocked, Jeremy started stuttering and babbled out: "He's at h-home now, pro-probably, unless they took him to a hospital or s-s-something." I started seeing red.
"What did you do to him, Jeremy, I swear, I'll kill you!" I tightened my grip and leaned on him and pinned him down, I didn't know what I was going to do, I hadn't really been in too many fights before, but I would have done anything to hurt someone that even upset Kyle.
"I-I-I-I," he was stuttering like a broken record player, so I shook him back on track; "I didn't do anything, I just told them you were both fags, they said they'd kick your asses, it's not my fault I was just mad, I didn't know they would do it! They were-were drunk and they just took him in their trunk and sped off, later I-I heard they pulled into his house and threw him on his porch, I don't know anymore. Except they're looking for you!"
I dropped Jeremy, grabbed a rental bike, and sped off over to Kyle's house. I was scared and extremely angry, and had obviously lost all anger towards Kyle. I felt guilty for not staying with him the entire time. Maybe if I was there, he wouldn't of gone with them, or I would've stopped him from drinking so much. I spent way too much time in the bathroom, too, if I had stopped messing with my hair and went out to check on him, oh god, it's my fault! I was hot again, my ears were burning. I was riding and thinking so fast I almost missed his house. The bike skidded to a stop in Kyle's driveway. I ran up the steps and saw a light on, so I knocked on the door. His father answered.
"I'm sorry, we're busy now, Kyle can't go anywhere." I couldn't see Kyle, but that was because his father only cracked the door open.
"Please, I'm worried about him, is he ok?" I stared in a sort of half-crazed eagerness.
"He's fine, a few cuts and bruises, but he'll live, now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my son. I'll tell him you stopped by, uh, what's your name?" He was getting impatient, and was looking back into the house.
"Jake," I said, "Jake Pearson. I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Rusnick, but if I could just see-"
"Wait, your Jake? Kyle's, uh, friend?" He looked at me in total disbelief. "Come in, but only for a second." Mr. Rusnick opened the door and stepped aside for me to walk in.
I saw Kyle, lying on the couch. He was only wearing his boxers again, but I was in no way turned on. He was tired looking and dreamy, he had some cuts on his legs and I thought I saw a bruise on his eye. His mom was holding an ice pack on his head.
"Hey, Kyle, you ok?" He didn't respond to my plea.
"He's still under the influence of the drug they put in his system, a kinda downer, like a sleeping pill, only it relaxes your body without making you sleep." His father stared at him as he spoke, and seemed to forget about me.
"I'm sorry, I don't know who did this to him, but I know the type." I was still mad with fury.
"We've filed an assault report with the police, they're coming out tomorrow to get things set up."
"Alright, what time do you think I can come by tomorrow?" I wanted to stay, but didn't want to interfere with Kyle's parents.
"Anytime after ten, here, let me show you out." He opened the door and I walked out.
He called after me: "Hey, I think it's ok, you and Kyle, I mean. I don't focus on things like that. Be careful, the people that harmed Kyle are still out there, and if they know about him, they know about you." He waved goodbye and shut the door. I heard what he said, but his face said something different, nothing bad, but almost as if he was an acting zombie, like some sort of robot. He stared too vacantly, he was really dazed. I felt kinda sorry for him.
I picked up my bike and rode home, only to find my parents were out drinking and my sister is staying a friend's condo. I was exhausted, so I just laid down on the sofa and went to sleep, no dreaming tonight, though, I hoped. I was afraid of nightmares.
I woke up the next day at 9:34 a.m. My parents had put a pillow under my head and a sheet over me, they were so good to me. I loved them, but would they still love me if I told them? Were they going to find out if I was the next one beat up? I wondered how Kyle told his parents, if they asked him something like "How did this happen?" and he just said "it happened because I'm gay, and in love with Jake Pearson." No, I doubt he'd say it just like that, but then again it was strange his dad already knew I was his, his, wait- what was I? Hadn't his father said friend? No, he had just said friend because he didn't want to say anything else. Christ, Jake, the kid is cut and bleeding because of you and your scrutinizing a comment from his father.
I got up off the couch and moved to the kitchen. I poured a glass of orange juice and sat back down in the other room. There was a note on the coffee table I didn't see before, it just said that they all had gone to a water park for the day, and that I looked to wasted to come. Well, they didn't say wasted exactly, they said tired, and they knew I wouldn't go anyway because I hadn't really been to eager to do anything with them so far during the entire vacation. I was feeling a little guilty for that, but I pushed it out of my mind and went to the showers, I wanted to go over to Kyle's house around ten-fifteen.
I dressed in some tan jean shorts and a white billabong T-shirt and walked out the door. Today was hot, like every other day, but at the same time very humid and wet, it was a day I'd prefer to go see a movie or something. I was trying to keep my mind off of Kyle, I knew it, but I really was scared of what he was going to say, it was obviously my fault. His parents probably even know it. I got to his house and knocked on the door. This time his mother answered, and she invited me in. Last night I didn't even take the time to give their house a second look. It was a little bit nicer than ours, on the inside, anyway. On the outside they were all the same. Kyle was at the kitchen table, eating cereal. He stopped when he saw me.
"Hi," I said.
"Hi." He looked down at my feet.
"Well, Kyle's doing much better today," his father said, "he is a little sore, but the doc said he'd be fine." His dad was trying hard to make good of an odd situation, I respected him for it.
"Dad, could me an' Jake talk, uh, in private for a few minutes?" He smiled at his dad, and his mom came over and took his father's arm and led him outside, they said they had to run to the market and get some milk.
I sat opposite Kyle and half smiled while he continued to eat his cereal.
"So, uhm, how're ya feeling, anything I can do?" I was scraping for words, I had so much I wanted him to know but so little words I could find.
"No, it just feels like I fell off my bike or something, they mostly just screamed at me." He didn't look up, just ate on.
"I-I'm so sorry, I can't believe this happened, Jeremy told them-" He cut me off.
"Of course, your friend. Figured that'd happen. A few friends of my own stopped by, some to say hi, some to just stare. They know, all of them. Even the ones from my hometown, one I know already has probably called half the town. I'm fucked, Jake. I am FUCKED." He screamed the last part, and I jumped. I couldn't take it, though, I broke down and started sobbing.
"I'm s-sorry, I never should have done anything with you, we should have been more careful, I never should have left you alone at that party, not for a second, you were drinking and it was easy for them, I'm so sorry, Kyle, I wish it were me, I dunno, I wish we had never met, then you wouldn't be so-" Once again, he cut me off between my sobs.
"NO! Don't wish that, I don't care, I wanted us to meet more than anything that's happened, I've wanted someone like you forever, I'm the sorry one, it was my own stupidity. I just am so angry, but not at you. I love you, Jake, and I do need you; I do." He came over and hugged me, I was still crying; I must've done more of that in the past few days than in a lifetime.
I stood up and we fully embraced. I pulled away, and looked at him. We kissed then, the first since yesterday. This kiss was different, not so passionate but rather meaningful, not lustful. It was a loving kiss, not a sexual one. I just wanted to hold him forever. I felt safe and at home in him. I rested my head on his sweatshirt. He must've been cold, probably hadn't been outside all day, just in the air conditioned house. We hugged for a good ten minutes, and I looked into his blue eyes for longer. He was so beautiful, it was scary. I could almost see my future in his eyes, my past, my life. If the eyes are really the window to the soul, then his shades were pulled all the way up. I could see his feelings in them. At that moment I really was the happiest I'd ever been, it was a puzzle that was just completed, the picture that your whole life you've been haunted by, the image you could never make sense of. Well, in the last few days the pieces were practically falling into place. And now the final piece, Kyle's eyes, fit into their slot. The image was me, Kyle, and forever. It was etched in stone, it was shaped in the clouds, it was dotted in the stars, we were meant for each other. There was a God, there was a heaven, and I had it all in my arms. Kyle was the everything I needed in life, the something that was missing, in my arms I held my key to my life in a moment. That moment felt like an eternity, and was too short still.
Kyle's parents walked in a minute after we stopped kissing, and were startled to see us just holding each other, but they didn't say anything. They just left and went to their room. Kyle sat down with me on the couch, and we held and watched TV again. No talk this time, we just sat and would lock in each other's gaze every now and then.
We hung out the rest of the week, and when my cousin came he hung around too, we had to act normal while he was around, it was hard. We did get some time alone, and that was when we- well, you know, whatever teenagers in love do when their alone. Kyle had to leave Saturday, and we stayed up in each other's company on Friday from night till dawn. We talked about everything again and again, we would do our best to be together every chance we got, he only lived about an hour from me. I was going to come out to my parents sometime this summer, but he didn't want to force me, it was my decision alone. We would see about everything else later, we had time. He was probably going to be facing rumors, if not blunt fact, when he got back. He wasn't looking forward to it. I felt for him, and knew if it was me and those rumors I would be pretty messed up; I admired him for facing it headstrong. I tried to get him to transfer, but he said no, he wasn't going to be scared away.
As for being scared, no problem there, we weren't bothered the rest of the trip. It seemed most of his friends were either cool with it or just weren't around. One of those not around was Jamie, she was probably feeling hurt and stupid at the same time, she wasted her bimbo tactics on my guy, ha, stupid flirt. Jeremy I guess left one of the days after I practically strangled him. I didn't see him after that, just never did. I also didn't see the guys they said beat up Kyle, I hope something happened where Jeremy did the right thing and squealed, and those guys were in jail or on probation or something. Kyle didn't much talk about them or the incident. I'd like to think they got what they deserved.
The day Kyle left we kept it to a short hug in public, for his parents and the rest of the friends he had. There was a hush as we embraced, but it was just as short and quick as he hugged anyone else. I was the only guy he hugged, though. They all just shook hands. We waved bye and Dennis and I started to walk home when one of the girls popped up: "Hey, wanna come with us to the ice cream parlor? You didn't think just because Kyle left we were going to ignore you, did you?" While not all the group looked so enthusiastic, most of them were smiling and inviting. So we went, and we had a good time. Dennis was hitting on a red headed girl there, and I just sat back with one of Kyle's closest friend at another table and talked. She said she suspected things were different with him for a long time, but she wasn't going to force anything out of him, said he was a great friend. I missed Kyle terribly. Talking about him almost brought me to tears, I couldn't stand to be away from him. We talked on the phone a few times, and I sent him a postcard.
Dennis and I got about the same going away crowd that Kyle did; a few lesser, just because others had left, too. In the car ride I was hit with a feeling of nostalgia for this island, this island were I had my first love. Where I discovered myself, and another. This place I would never forget, where I felt the most scared for another person in my life, the angriest at something, and the most heartfelt moment of my life. This place, this wonderful island by the ocean, was an emotional icon in my head now, everything reminded me of something, and since I had loved here for the first time, I loved here, the island. A tear, yes another one, came down my cheek as we crossed the bridge that left behind my paradise and presented the rest of the world, new problems, new experiences, a new life. Because I was changed, for the better, I understood myself more, I accepted myself. I was a new guy, a new Jake. What am I trying to say here? Is what I am so complicated now? What is this general feeling I have now, and why does it make me shudder? Is it simple, maybe, is it not some cosmic mystery, but rather just a basic emotion? Yeah, that's it, I do know what I am; for the first time in my life:
"I am happy."
About the Author:
Hey, my name's David. This is my first try at gay literature, and my first try at a romantic story. I usually write other stuff, either more drama, some suspense, sci-fi, lots of stuff. I have a hard time finishing things, though, this is one of the few stories I've been able to keep up with and finish. It's also the longest. I could finish this one because unlike other fads and little obsessions, unlike current ideas and passing interests, I am questioning, and I'm a teen, and I have hormones. The first few paragraphs of this story are very much my own, in opinions and events, that's a lot of my background there. As for the rest of it, pure fiction, kinda my fantasy. I'll give my email, but please don't request anything else. Also, watch your headers and stuff, my email isn't completely private and a hundred percent safe, either. I would appreciate comments about the story, but please keep em' to the story, I don't want to argue about any views on gays expressed here, unless they seem vital to the story or characters. Anyway, my email is email@example.com. So, mail me, and if I get enough good news, I may try this genre again, hey, there may even be a sequel in this story. Thanks for reading!