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William Akers

October 1999

Assume Nothing

This assumption by parents that they're children are straight is false and destructive. Kids that feel that they have to fit into this mold that their parents and society have created for them is horrible -- almost inexcusable. But, how the hell are we supposed to change what society has formed over hundreds of years? The truth? We can't. But that doesn't mean that kids should run out and kill themselves because they live in an area where it is impossible to come out. There's always some form of an answer.

First of all, I don't think there is such a thing as an environment where it is impossible to come out. I think a lot of people feel that they will be discriminated or even attacked if they were to expose their sexuality. In some extreme cases, this is probably true. But, if you look at most of the queer-bashings that are going on around the country -- it is usually because some fag said something to some straight guy and it pissed him off. Now, does calling someone "beautiful" give him or her the right to kick your head in? Of course not. But these types of experiences shouldn't scare gay kids -- or adults for that matter -- further back into the closet.

Everyone knows that it is socially more acceptable to be a gay or bisexual girl rather than a guy. Perhaps that's why every girl at my school seems to be bisexual, and that really pisses me off. I think that maybe that's where people got this fucked up notion that being gay is a choice -- from these trendy little bitches that decide to jump on yet another bandwagon, turning being gay into nothing more than dyeing your hair or wearing a certain type of clothing.

Being a gay guy in High School might be hard for some people. I wouldn't know, I never got any flack for it. And I went to High School in Texas, so it's not like I was in a really "gay-friendly" place when I came out. I guess I didn't really get a bunch of shit for being gay because I'm not a flamer. I mean, it takes me anywhere from two minutes to two weeks to convince people that I'm gay. So, I'm sure a lot of you think that I have no room to talk about a subject that I know very little about.

I still had to come out of the closet, so let me tell you what I do know about. I know that coming out is one of the scariest things that a young person can go through in their entire life. When you get ready to tell someone that you're gay -- that feeling of dread in the bottom of your stomach can't even begin to be described. I guess it's like when you've eaten something that doesn't agree with you, and you're pretty sure you're gonna puke -- you don't want to, you're not looking forward to it, but you know that it's probably gonna happen. That sense of dread is almost like that. You're always afraid that the person you're telling is going to freak out and disown you as a friend, family member, or whatever.

I know it's hard, and I know it's no fun; But, in my mind, it's something that has to be done. I don't mean run outside with a rainbow shooting out of your ass screaming "I'm Queer! I'm Queer!" I just believe that there is a lot of unnecessary stress and pain that comes with having to hide your sexuality. When my grandmother used to call me, she'd always finish the conversation with "Have you found a girlfriend yet?" I'd have to smile and say "No, Gramma, I haven't -- I don't really have time to." What I wish I could have said was "No, Gramma. But I do have a boyfriend, and he's great. He treats me so well, that I wonder if I even deserve him. I truly wish that I could introduce him to you without a fear of you blowing up and calling me names -- or, for that matter disappointing you in any way. I know that if he was a girl, you'd be proud of me." It's just not realistic, and it is sad. The worst part of that whole situation is, my grandmother knows that I'm gay, but she still asks me if I've found a girlfriend!

So, oh loyal readers, to some extent, I know what you are feeling. I realize that coming out is something that isn't really fun, something that I'm not sure anyone is ready for. Maybe if it was more socially acceptable to be gay -- I'm not talking about forcing it upon those who aren't -- but if people didn't find it so hard to believe that two guys can fall in love, then maybe there'd be a lot less kids killing themselves because they think they live in a world that doesn't love them. Well, unfortunately, they're right. I don't think that this world loves anyone, but there are people in it that do. You've just got to find them.

I guess my point is that these days, it's hard for kids to come out of the closet. Whether it's social pressure, fear of exile, excommunication, or whatever -- kids are afraid and they're lonely, and they're scared. Maybe if this world wasn't so fucking black and empty, we could all "share our differences." -- however fucking gay and cornball that may sound. It's like they always say -- the Great Melting Pot never melted, it's just a big tossed salad full of a bunch of intolerant fucks that will cause the world to self-destruct much faster than it needs to; and, for that matter, kids and adults that feel that they've got no one to turn to. It's a disgusting situation that disturbs me beyond comprehension, because I have so many mixed feelings on the issue. I guess I'm not the person to solve it or even to try and put a dent in it. One of my favorite sayings applies here: "I have the ability to change nothing." BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T BITCH!

William
tromakid@yahoo.com
AIM: TromaKid


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