October 1999

Dear Soul


As you already know my name is ck. (Kinda straight forward wouldn't you think?) I am 15 years old and I'm happy with my life. Until now that is. I'm smart, kind, and a caring person. That will often go out of my way to help any one, no matter their age, sex, weight, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter to me because as long as you show me respect, I will respect you. I'm a hard working person. No matter how much I hate doing a task, I will do it with ample time to spare. In school it's the only reason, why I do so well. I try, if everyone tried at anything, I'm sure with some 'stick-to-it-ness' you will complete your set task.

As a child I've always felt as if I was one of the lucky ones. Hand picked to make a difference in this world and it's views on current/past events. I felt as if I was here to do something greater in life. This feeling of belonging and purpose was what I used to get through a hard childhood. As each year passes I don't get that feeling of worth or of importance as I once did. It's as if I should be getting closer to what ever my fate has set out for me. But each year leads me farther and farther from that single path of which I was placed upon this mount of earth to fill. As a child I listened to my soul and thought things out because I had time, and I felt I needed to. I sat down in a nice spot or on my bed and basically let my body speak to me.

Things somehow become clearer and questions are now easier to answer. Now as I'm getting older I can't find the time and I don't listen to my soul, as I once did. That's why I'm writing this as a self-help, personal note.

I know that fate has not given up on me, and I know that I will still become something that many people never have been able to understand. When I have a problem I always turn to you (my soul) and you always give me tough advice. I thank you for this, without you I would have done something stupid a long time ago.

God, you know I'm gay. I'm gay-- I've been fighting this for over three years and now, and only now in the summer of '99 can I come to terms with this fact. I can finally say without a doubt that I'm gay and I prefer men over women. In a way this is a huge step for me because the first step is telling the world what you're made out of. Is to look at your self. Not on the physical realm but in the mind inside, and being happy with what you see. It's a well known fact once you like what you see inside. You show it on the outside.

I've always believed that every thing in life happens for a reason, and I still do. I was born to fill my fate, as every other human being. I moved away from my native homeland. I have questioned myself so many times, why am I not in my native settings? Instead of living and breathing a different life? I've come to the conclusion that my fate moved me, away from my native land. So I may learn about life in the eyes of a square that doesn't fit in a round circle. But yet everyone is the same on this mount of ground, although it's not because we are all different. It's because we are all the same. That we can even live together on one solid plain.

Now I believe that my fate has pitched another 'fast ball' and made me gay. Some how I get the feeling that becoming gay was the best thing that could ever happen to me. (Odd isn't it?) Something that I fear with my life, feels so right and yet so wrong. If I have learned from my past, I should not think/live in a negative state, about being gay. Yet, it is so hard for me to think 'happy thoughts' when all I see around me is negative.

My biology teacher is gay, and just because she is the teacher's staff cut back her hours, and added a new teacher to take most of her cycles. I walk around school and even my close friends are talking about how they hope that they don't end up in her class. It's hard on me, when I see the people that one day I will need to open up to. They have no positive opinions on a subject that already has changed my life so much.

With being gay, I feel as if I have let down all the people who thought I was 'cool' or someone that can be of much help when in need of help. But most of all I feel as if I've let down my family. As if I've defaced the family name.

My mother has always looked to having a wonderful grandchild, to hold and to remind her of her youth. I hate that I've taken that away, from my own mother. What about the pain I'll put them through? What about the pain I'll put everyone through? I feel so guilty that I'm the cause of all this future pain.

I've seen all the anti-gay stuff around the web. Can you believe I went searching for it! They all say that gays should die because they are what they are? No other reason is needed!. That's equal to the beliefs of Hitler. Kill them all. Because they are, what they are? I can't believe that this topic causes more pain than the holocaust but yet no one cares. No one. It's only the gay groups out there that tell the world what's going on. The only time our government does care for the gays is for the represent when a election is right around the corner.

Even with all this anti-gay stuff, gay people still become something in life. I know I will become something in life GAY or NOT GAY. No one will stop me from my goals and dreams. Because I have the one thing no one can take, faith in my self.

Thank you,



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