October 1999

Wow, what a month. Remember me saying before that my life had changed a lot, very quickly? (Or did I ever say that? Well, I meant too.) This month seems to have brought the biggest, most painful changes so far.

'You know those dreams when-'

You know those dreams when someone is chasing you and you can't run? Or someone is after you and you can't scream, but your parents are in the next room? Or you are watching someone else get hurt, but there is nothing you can do about it? You aren't in control. I feel like I'm living one of those dreams. I'm screaming so loud, I'm running so fast, I'm fighting so hard and it's all going unnoticed. No matter what I do, I won't be heard. That is so frustrating. It's really sad, because for the longest time I believed that what I said did matter. It's like putting your entire soul into something, and then watching it fly away. There's a saying that kind of relates to that, something about if you love it you'll let it go. But I never really listened to those sayings, after all, how many times have YOU caught some flies with honey?

Best friends and worst enemies-what's the difference?

Not much, as I have figured out this week. Okay here's my question for this month. If someone really hurt you, and you told your *best* friend about it, and all of a sudden your *best* friend is friends with this person, are you justified to get mad?

I used to do the dumbest thing. I laugh at myself about it now. I would make lists of my top 5 best guy friends and my top five best girl friends, and then I'd start a clean page and write really big at the top: FIVE BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD. I would redo this list every few months. I was thinking the other day if I was to write one, I don't think I could come up with five people of each sex that I even remotely trust. And if I did the *whole world* list, I could only put 3 people on it. And I guess that's not bad, but I only have 3 people in the entire world that I can talk too. And only 2 of them really know me. Worst enemies: I never wrote a list of people I cannot stand. It would be too long.

If you could be one place for the rest of your life, where would it be, and with who?

I don't even have to think before answering. I'd want to be at the end of a dock with a cross floating in the water in front of it. I'd want to be with Thomas, DL, and (for lack of a better nickname) techno-boy. Do you have people in your life that just fascinate you? Or you feel that every second not spent with them or speaking with them is almost like wasting time? I cannot seem to figure these people out, and I want to. I feel very comfortable sharing everything about myself, and putting it all out on the table, if they are the ones sitting there.

DL is one of my *whole world* best friends. He is also Thomas's best friend. I became friends with him because of a silly little crush, but now, he's like my brother. Although I must admit, the crush might still be there-Techno-boy. He is another one of Thomas's best friends. Hmmm, I don't know how to explain our relationship. I don't know what our relationship is. He is exactly like me. We have more in common than me and anyone else I know. But for some reason, we aren't that close. But then at another level we are. See what I mean? Confusing.

This whole article has been neither here nor there, I guess I just want you to know me better. I will try my hardest to come up with a set *subject* for next month, but I have so much to say, I don't know what to say when. I want to say thanks to the people who have written me. I don't feeling like I'm whistling in the dark anymore.

Until next time, my advice would be, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow you might meet the person of your dreams. Tomorrow you could accomplish your life's work. Tomorrow you will make a difference in someone's life. So until tomorrow--

sweet dreams,


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