October 1999

I wrote this July 20th to the boy I love after a chance meeting.

He is sixteen.

There was no reply.

Hello Alex.

I know I probably shouldn't me emailing you, but I had to say what a pleasant surprise it was seeing you today. It's kinda funny. Everywhere I go, I hope you'll be there, and the two times I don't -- you're there. Seeing you at the Prom was the most surprising event of my life. It never occurred to me that you might go. At least, not with me.

I miss you, Alex.

I know I've screwed up a lot in trying to talk to you, so I'm just gonna lay it all out. I love you. Am I gay? Yes. I've never given that question a straight answer. In my mind, anyone can fall in love with anyone else, but the truth is, unless I fall in love with a woman, I'm gay.

I saw RENT last Saturday. One of the things I never understood is why you never asked me anything about your favorite musical. OUR favorite musical. It's not just because of you, Alex. I bought the soundtrack because you loved it so much, but that's not why I feel the way I do about it. The music is powerful and reminds me that there's no day but today. And given how good today was, tomorrow will be even better.

[Auth. Note: Alex expressed a lack of enthusiasm in being in this year's musical.]

I really enjoyed seeing you today, and I hope you do stick with theatre. You really are good at it. For the play last year, the director passed over me and everyone else who auditioned. She went straight for you when she was a man down. I've only been in two shows-both of them musicals, and both of them just chorus. You've already been in three-and in your first, you already beat me. I was one of 2 guys who was in the chorus.

I dreamed about you last night. We didn't have sex or anything-we never do. You were simply there, Alex. I just want to be with you. I want you to understand how I feel-if that's even possible. I love you, Alex.

Being in love is amazing. It's like you live your whole life with your eyes open, and then you discover that you can open them even wider. Everything is more vivid, Alex. Being in love with you has brought me closer to God, and has allowed me to see more than I imagined possible. I don't even remember what it was like not being in love. No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to repay you for how happy you've made me. I know less than ever what I'm going to do with my life, but I know that whatever it is, it's all for you.

Talk to me, Alex. There's nothing you can say that could make me stop loving you, and nothing you could do that could make me leave you-unless that's what you wanted. There's nothing I can't try to understand and help you with if you'd only talk to me.

I suppose if you've read this far, you won't mind reading one little bit more. I don't know if you're a fan of Shakespeare, but Julius Caesar is opening in the Boston Common, and I would love it if you would go with me-to it or anything else. I would love to spend time with you, Alex. It would make me the happiest man alive if we were friends, but I can't make that happen. I can only spend time with you if you want it, and while I know there's a reason you've never called me or invited me to do anything, I know that there was a reason you said hello to me at the Prom, and had a drink with me and the others today. You mean so much to me, Alex. If only you understood...

I know it's hopeless and pathetic. But that's what I am. Or was?


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