I'm going to rant a little while if you don't mind. In the light of last month's article, this might seem like I'm contradicting myself, but this is honestly how I've been feeling. I'm not sure what the point of this article is this month, but I'm sure I'll discover a lesson tucked in here somewhere. I guess we'll find it together.
First off, I've got you update you on my life. We've moved! I know longer live where I have for the past six years. So why is that a big deal? Well, the major reason it really sucks, is that I'm in the middle of my senior year. People I've gone to school with for what seems like forever will no longer be there for me.
I'm a very social person and this has just crushed me. No one seems to understand why this is such a big deal to me. Everyone's like, "You'll get over it. You'll adapt." I know that's true, but it hurts so much. Especially when no one seems to care.
Loneliness tugs away at me. Sitting in my bed, the night we found out we were moving, I wrote this description of depression:
The darkness hunts me like a panther hunts it prey. Its claws surround me. The blackness surrounds me and offers not escape. It is like the air is drawn from my lungs as the bitter ink touches my soul. I throw my fists, but the strikes are in vain. The emptiness knaws away at my emotions. Beating them around like a kitten and its dead play-thing. I cry. No one hears a scream in the vacuum of space. No one hears me cry in the corner of my Loneliness. So why do I bother? The tears do not lighten the darkness. They do not wash away the blackness. And they most certainly do not fill the emptiness. my tears are useless-wasted energy. But I cry anyway. I cry for the thing that will short my soul out. I cry for understanding, I cry for compassion, and most of all I cry for your love.
I was feeling like no one knew where I was coming from. Like I needed someone. Oh, but here's the lesson in this months article. Read this poem I found a couple days later (It's not my own work):
It is rewarding to find someone whom you like,
but it is essential to like yourself.
It is quickening to recognize that someone is
a good and decent human being, but it
is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable.
It is a delight to discover people who are worthy
of respect and admiration and love,
but it is vital to believe yourself
deserving of these things.
For you cannot live in someone else.
You cannot find yourself in someone else.
You cannot be given a life by someone else.
Of all the people you will know in a lifetime,
you are the only one you will
never leave or lose.
To the question of your life,
you are the only answer.
To the problems of your life,
you are the only solution.
How true! So even though I'm lonely and depressed, and I think I need someone to help me get through this, I don't. I am strong enough to make my own path. And so are you. When you are down... no, when you are beaten down by the world around you... GET UP! If you don't, everything that you have learned, every lesson, every moral, every life-changing experience has been in vain. You've got something to share in this world.
GET UP. You don't need the people who's own attitudes have trapped them in conformity. If you GET UP and make a difference, then your actions might change someone else world. Your words might lift someone else up. So when no one was there for you, you GOT UP anyway, and because of that you where there for someone else.
I have two quick personal notes that don't really connect with my point above, but I just wanted to let you guys know and maybe evoke some responses. I went to my first rave in Detroit a couple weeks ago. Totally awesome. B.T. (You know, the object of my affection) and I went with a couple other friends. I love to dance, so I had an absolute blast. Oh, and so you know I'm pretty straight edge so I didn't take anything! Any other rave-oholics out there? Drop me a line.
THE POST OFFICE
I'm working on an online resource for gay teens. It will have a chat room, personal ads, articles, inspiration, a "coming out" service, and many other gizmos for you guys. I need your suggestions though. It'll only succeed if you guys participate. E-mail me and let me know what you think!
Oh, one more thing.... GET UP!
MrPostman is known at home as Nick. He is 18 and lives in Michigan. He loves theater and music. Go ahead drop him a line. Pobox469@hotmail.com