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Ryan

October 1999

The Case of the Ambiguous

Wow, my very first article!! I'll try not to bore.

Well, I spent the last weekend thinking of where I'm headed sexually. As a bisexual 17-year-old, I've had to figure out a lot on my own, and play it by ear. I enjoy finding a symbol to describe my life and its mysteries. In my calculus class, we went over an old rule called the Case of the ambiguous. To put it simply, one is given information, and based on it, there could be two, one, or no answers by the time you are done.

My biggest problem can be simply stated: I don't know what I want. Well, I know what I would like, but when it comes down to making a final decision taking a big step into a relationship, I'm never ready. Too many feelings have been hurt by me, and I'm sorry, but it was beyond my power to proceed into the wonderful world of a love life.

I should start with the farthest I have ever ventured. It started my junior year at a choral Christmas festival in which I was participating. I met him in the bathroom, and I suppose you could say our natural gay alarms went off. We instantly were attracted to one another and made an incredible amount of eye contact for the rest of the night. I found out that he lived only a town away from me and that he was currently single. He was a senior, but was planning to go to a state school not too far away. We continued talking between rehearsals and I found out that we had SO much in common. After hitting it off so well, we got in touch not to long after.

That's not quite the truth. It took about two months to get in touch with him. Phone tag, we were both very busy people. I went through pure torture without hearing from him for weeks upon weeks. Finally I heard from him and gathered that he was still very attracted to me, but as for having a relationship, it wasn't his idea. Alas, he was going to college and he didn't want to be tied to anyone's strings, so we just went out a few times, talked, discussed our lives, and that was it. I think I was truly heartbroken, not a usual feeling for me. I've always been a Stoic.

Anyway, we became very close to sexual activity, but I backed down on account of his disinterest in me. I don't understand how some girls in my school can stand being ho's. I joke around with one of my hot straight friends about being his "bitch", but I never thought I would ever be in that actual position. It really opened my eyes. I had my first revelation: I need an understanding partner, in whom I build a firm trust.

My next tale of woe occurs immediately following my breakup with the guy, if it could even be called that. She was a senior as well, and went to the same school as I did. We had (and still have) the deepest psychic understanding. Our minds work so much alike. It's like having a twin and being able to finish her sentence. We had been good friends for a little over a year by then, and pretty soon, the topic of going out and sex came up. Like an inexperienced person, I became very apprehensive and stalled in responding to her wishes. The truth is, she was extremely busy. I've never encountered a student more intense and selfless with her time. Her heart was always into her life and her future, something I admire almost too much. Near the end of the summer, I was debating whether to bring up sex again, but I decided that "the time hath passed" for intimate love with her. Besides, when she wasn't around to spend time with me, I lost my interest. Can you blame me? I really hope not, because what I decided I thought hard about. There is always the problem for a bisexual man to find an open-minded woman that will give consent for a little fooling around. But with her, that problem didn't exist. She wouldn't have minded. Thus, my second revelation came to me: I need somebody who is around, somebody who has time for me.

My final "issue" is still unfolding. I have been in genuine love with a girl in my class for the longest time, but I've always been way too shy to ask her for a relationship, not to mention she was unavailable until her old boyfriend. This year in school, we have started out very close. I can tell that although we don't have the timeless similarity as I had with the former girl, our outlooks on life are very compliant with each other. From what I can tell, she knows I love her, she enjoys spending time with me, and yet she still is not ready for another boyfriend. I understand that it takes time to heal an emotional wound. I'm still working on her, but one thing really makes me hesitant. She doesn't know about my sexuality, and I'm not sure about her acceptance of me fooling around with men on the side.

So, I'm stuck with these three events, and I can't keep my mind from that obscure trigonometry rule. With the facts I have learned about myself, what do I WANT? Do I seek 2 answers, A woman that accepts my taste for men? One Answer? That either means, I go for one sex. I don't believe I could live a secret double life away from my partner, I have too much respect for the feelings of others. But, there is always that path of no answer, the path most traveled by the so-called "irreverent youth" of America. Maybe my values can become bent enough that I will not think twice about relationships I enter. Maybe it's only a question of time before I become comfortable with not requiting so much of my potential lovers. Oh boy, I've got a little growing up to do, huh?

I hope my organized ramblings have helped somebody, I plan to write next month as well, so until then!!

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Ryan is a student living in a small town in upstate New York. I will be in the NY All State Conference Chorus, and also in Area-All State, so if you happen to be as well, give me a message. I like many bands, but the most notable are Tori Amos, Depeche Mode, The Smiths, Luxt (by far the BEST Gothic band out there!), Nine Inch Nails, KMFDM, Tool, The Cure, They Might Be Giants, etc. The list goes on and on. Feel free to send me your thoughts, your hopes, dreams, fears, and most of all, your questions by this address: cyanide2@juno.com or IM me at SickPuddle.


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