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Sean

October 1999

Hello again readers. I must apologize for missing last months article. I have been busy and was suffering from writer's block. So I am back though. Now to update what happened since last time I wrote.

Confrontation

I have finally confronted my feelings for Danny head on. You might remember he is the guy I was dreaming about. I have determined that I fell in love with him. This isn't a situation to be in because-he's straight after all, so I had to rectify the situation.

One night after thinking about the brief moments (meaningful to me but not to him) we had and I cried about them. I sat down and wrote him a two page letter. I told him how I never wanted to hurt him but I had to do something for myself for once in my life. And that meant hurting him and I told him I would never forgive myself for hurting him.

I went over the night we last spoke, the night of the Senior Celebration, and how I knew that I would never see him again. I told him I had known it for a while but didn't want to call him on it. I told him how much that hurt me but I understood.

Then I went on to explain how I lied to him but it was a lie that was meant to protect him above anyone. I couldn't sacrifice the finally bit of happiness he had in him left...there wasn't much left at all. I lied to him for his own protection and my suffering was the consequence. To save him from pain was well worth my suffering.

So, I just told him. I said 'I fell in love with you.' I told him how long I have felt this way and how I dealt with it (crying...etc.)

Then all the things I did for him were purely a thanks in which he would never understand. I knew if I could love him I could love again. I never loved anyone since Timothy and he was the next one I fell in love with and that made me realize that I can do it again.

I went on to explain how this was my final good-bye and I would never see him and I was finally OK with that. I told him this was my way out and I am moving on now. Then I told him (I cried so hard during this part and when I told my friend Nicole about it I cried in the car about it) 'What ever girl you have in the future better know how lucky she is because I know that the brief time I spent with you--I felt like the luckiest person in the world.' Then I signed: 'Sorry, Sean.'

After that I put it into an envelope and took it to his house and left it on his truck. That was two weeks ago. I never heard a thing and I actually smile now and mean it.

Now on to the current stuff:

Back to school

I started school and I must say I like it. I really don't know anyone but I still like it.

My first class (On Mondays and Wednesdays) is a freshman seminar class. It is a required class that is supposed to introduce us to college life. I sit with my friend Ben in that class because he and I went to school with each other. At first I thought the people in the class were going to be hostile but we (as a class) actually talk to each other. The teacher is the best, because she is funny. She also has this uncanny resemblance to Haruka Tenou (Sailor Moon friends know her as Sailor Uranus). It's odd-she even has the butch thing down and the hair cut. I swear she could be cast in the live action movie as Haruka.

My first class on Tuesdays and Thursdays is English 101. It's a good class-we are starting out slowly and I really don't like that sort of thing. We are just doing narratives about our lives and how we changed over the years. I think I will write how I was once weak but now am strong.

My second class is my Western Civilization class. I hate the subject material but the teacher is the best. He just comes out with all these comments about things that you would never expect to hear.

My third class is Math 101. The teacher is odd. She treats us like we are stupid but I guess that's good since people are getting the material down. That is where I met my new friend Matt AKA Mer.

My fourth class is Psych. I like this class. Mer and I have it together so we often talk during class.

My Friends Love

Mer is a nice guy. I think he is straight so I know the sexual tension thing won't exist. He is 16, and was homed schooled for all his life. He's interesting to say the least. He has a lot of abstract thoughts and ideas. He is a very interesting person to be around and me makes me laugh so that is a plus on his part. I think he and I will be great friends.

Truth

'What's the point? We all die eventually anyway-why do we want to continue living?' That is the voice of Little Utena Tenjou talking about her feelings after being left orphaned. That was until she was shown something 'eternal' that changed her around. If you want to know what Utena is look it up or maybe I'll write a review.

I can identify with Little Utena. I once thought that. I never wanted to love again after Timothy. Then I was shown something 'eternal'...something that I now know last forever no matter your circumstances. Love is something 'eternal.' No matter where you are, or the shape your life is in...somehow you'll have love in your life. Someone out there loves you-may it be a friend, a lover, a family member, or a stranger...love is 'eternal.'

My First Time

I this isn't what it sounds like, this is going to be my FIRST TIME at a gay club. I went to a local gay club called 'The Congress.' I had a lot of fun for my first time. I will admit it was a bit scary at first...I'm a big wuss I guess...but I didn't know what to expect.

The only problem was that this guy Anthony was with me...he's nice but he is another subject which I won't go into this month because this is already three pages long on my word processor.

I met a lot of nice people-this guy who works at IBM. He's funny and I got to have something I haven't had in real life in a while- an intelligent conversation! We also had our little immature moments. Such as singing Madonna's 'Material Girl' and 'Like a Prayer' in the middle of the bar. That was the highlight of my evening. I also met three guys named Chris, Frank, and Tori. They are all great people and I can't wait to go back next week. I have finally found a place to call home.

Although my Mother surprised me with the statement, 'I wish you wouldn't frequent sleazy places like that.' I went off on her for the first time. I told her that she wasn't there and it wasn't sleazy. The people there are friendly, and are not the 'sleazy type.' She said 'I guess you're right.' Does she want me to meet a man or not? She says she does but I am not so sure anymore. I finally find a place to shed this feeling of loneliness and she doesn't like it. I don't get her!

Well that's it for this month kids. Again I am sorry for missing last month's article- as always- write to sleeve@frontiernet.net or IM me at odango566.


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