November 1999

Hey everyone! While this is my first time writing in, I'm a bit bitter at the moment, so I'd like to warn you in advance. And while the "drama" has always a been one of my largest complaints about the queer community -- I plan to contribute my own today.

Where do I start? No one ever warned me that growing up would be so confusing. I turned twenty last month and it sure messes with my head -- why is my life so bunk right now. What am I saying, I mean all my friends usually look to me, the pillar of optimism, for advice when their lives take a turn for the worse -- but where is everyone now? Me, the "happy, little, candy raver" -- god, don't I love to be described that way. And while I may be an idealist that searches for the means to spread a love, it sure hasn't gotten me anywhere lately. Love fucking sucks. I thought it would solve all my problems, change me from the bitter person I used to be -- but the only people I seem to change are the bitter people around me who find what they want and take off. I just don't seem to be going anywhere. where is that elusive special someone. .. I know we are all looking for them.

Right now though, love just seems like the most addictive, mood altering drug possibly conceived by man. It is completely enveloping when present and when it's taken away, you'll do anything to get it back. That's my current dilemma, though I'm not sure how to even approach this break-up while still consumed and intoxicated by it. We dated for about two years, worked out the problems that arose -- I sure fucked up enough, but we always got by... but after all that time, we'd sit and wonder 'is this what were supposed to be doing?' I mean, we're both young and in college, shouldn't we be dating lots of different people? I'm still not sure. but it's kind of out of my hands. He's met another boy, which is supposed to make me happy. I mean, he never got out of the house... but still, this came out of nowhere.

I know I was not there for him, but he was so distant, so hesitant to be part of my life. He says he didn't feel special anymore which made me burst into action but he claims that was exactly what he expected -- guess I'm just old news. Sure, I'm supposed to move on, right? But I can't. Not just yet. Not when I'm in love. I don't want you all to think I'm in denial about this all, we talk about it and the love is still mutual, just compounded with self doubt and fear of the future... perhaps I'm masochistic, that way. Anyway, for all you out there who feel what I'm saying, know that you are not alone.


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