November 1999

"I-I hardly know, Sir, just at present-at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."-Lewis Carroll

Change as many times as there are stars

Last weekend, I went away with my youth group to a Young Life campground about two or so hours away. It's funny how time away can bring forward so many emotions that you have put away in your "closet." Being able to actually see the stars is wonderful. How long has it been since you laid down on the ground on a nice night and just looked at the stars. Did you know there are millions of them? Of course you did, but have you really thought about how many that is? A lot.

Wonderful Little Shining Suns

And I laid there for about an hour gazing at the multitude of wonderful little shining suns. I got to thinking about my life and mistakes I've made, and wrong paths I've taken. I cried so hard, as if crying would somehow let me run backwards on those roads, or it would cause a giant eraser to smudge out those moments that I regret so badly. My best friend came out of his cabin and sat down with me somewhere in the middle of my sobbing. I couldn't tell you for the life of me a word he said, I just remember feeling comforted. Feeling safer and feeling like it would be okay. Finally when my eyes were dried up, I stopped being hysterical and realized that maybe by actually getting to this point, by being this sorry and hurting this much, by doing that, I had in some way been changed.

And since I woke up this morning I think I have been changed several times. Finding out who I am has lost some importance to me since then. As long as I am not always going to be who I am right now, I think I'll be okay with it. (Not that who I am now isn't great and wonderful and fun; I always want to be growing and learning and changing). I should go now; I feel another change coming on and I don't want to miss it!

Love in Christ,


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