November 1999

So, what compels me to write and submit something like this? Well, I'm at this incredibly weird point in my life where I don't know what exactly to do. Am I looking for help? Maybe to some extent. But also that I just want to know that there are other people out there like me, and maybe reassure someone out there that there's someone like them.

I realized that I was bisexual in the recent past. I was in a club one night -- one of my favorite things to do -- and was kind of messed up on some things that I had done. I don't condone the use of drugs per se, but I think that it's just something that I enjoy -- in moderation. I had always been extremely liberal in my thoughts on sexuality, but that night I had to come face to face with thoughts on 'my' sexuality. One of my friends that I was with remarked on how attracted she was to this one guy who was sitting down near us. So she asked me to walk over and talk to him with her for some moral support. But during the conversation with him, I noticed that of the two of us, Tyler, the boy, was paying a lot more attention to me than to my friend.

So we ended the conversation and that was it, right? Wrong. I was on the floor dancing with some friends when Tyler came over and started talking to me. He asked if I wanted to get some water with him (water, you see, is an integral and sometimes life saving refreshment in clubs) and I agreed. He bought me a bottle and we sat down to relax. He asked if I was on E, I replied yes, and offered me another pill. I reluctantly took it -- something that I never thought I would take from a stranger. Nothing was wrong with the pill, but it sent me into the atmosphere in terms of my state of mind. I didn't know which way was up. He asked if I wanted to have some vapo rub put on my face and I of course agreed. It felt so good -- almost too good. I opened my eyes and to my surprise I only saw Tyler's bright blue eyes looking into mine. He was full on kissing me and I didn't even realize it. So what next? I freaked out -- that's what's next. My state of mind wasn't one of disgust, but more of wondering if what we shared was more than just some story you would tell a friend about a time when you were "So fucked up." I hung out with Tyler a lot that summer...learned from him, and discovered my sexuality. So where am I now?

I'm confused. I feel like I'm caught between two worlds-like one foot is firmly planted on the ground (heterosexuality) and one in quicksand (homosexuality). Why quicksand you ask? I've always been one to look at the dangerous side of things -- the allure of being told not to do it. But the only problem is that I'm sinking now. I feel the need to explore my newfound sexuality, but at the same time am so afraid and scared of the external that I don't know what to do.

One thing that I have noticed, especially on AOL -- is that there are lots of people out there that would gladly take advantage of my position. But I realize that I would not want to conduct things with boys any different than I would with girls. Take things slow at first and see what happens...not necessarily just jump in the sack with anyone that offered. It is here where most of my problems lie.

I want to reach out and make some bisexual and gay male friends (of which I have none-aside from those met on AOL) but don't have the guts to. The few friends that I have told -- for the most part have been supportive of me. But there is only a certain amount of caring that can come without full understanding. I appreciate the support, but am feeling the need to express my emotions with someone that can relate. Someone that maybe is going through, or went through the same thing. I know it's just a matter of time before I will find them, but I want it so bad it hurts sometimes.

I listen to a lot of electronica and DJ music. Moby just released a new album with the song, "Why does my heart feel so bad." When I listen to it I could almost cry because like the song says, "I feel so alone." I know I'm not alone, but all my friends are straight-and only a fraction of them know anyway...so sometimes I might as well be alone.

I find myself talking to myself in circles a lot. Like there's no answer to my problems...like I'm stuck in a funk that won't go away -- like quicksand. To use a cheesy metaphor, I guess maybe I need someone to help me regain my balance and pull me out. In time, I know -- but it doesn't seem I can wait any longer.

In any case, this is my story -- and this is where I stand. I've made great progress in my mind with the whole situation. I can admit and come to terms with what I am, but then the problem of "what do I do now?" pops up. Any suggestions? Like I said at the beginning, I'm not expecting any easy answers, I know I'll have to find those largely on my own.

Without sounding like an egomaniac...I know that I am one complex person (who isn't though). I just don't know how I'm gonna get through this on my own. I've always been a person that can understand everything they do and why they do it. This is the first thing that can perplex and break me. I just need a little help -- and a little understanding and compassion from someone that knows firsthand of what I'm dealing with.


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