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Chris Kryzan

November 1999

Dear Chris,

I have a dilemma and I am wondering if you can help. I have a boyfriend and we have been going out for about 2-1/2 months. We met over the net and we hit it off. We became really good friends and when I finally met him we decided to be boyfriends. It has been good. However, I now question our relationship. I'm 24 years old, by the way.

We are alike in that we can talk about things and not worry so much about what we say to each other. We can be intimate but we choose to wait so we will not rush into things. I don't think as much about him as he does. I can see so much "love" in his eyes when he is around me but I know there is no love there -- well, there is but I think my love for him is different. Could, or should, I say I love him as a friend? Also his femininity bothers me a bit, and if we were to have (anal) sex -- and we have talked about this -- he would want to be the bottom and me the top but I really want to be the bottom, even though I do have problems with that (I think I'm a closeted bottom(?)).

I would love to meet someone like him -- that is, with his personality and friendliness -- but just to be masculine and in shape and look nice. As for me I take care of myself, in how I look, and I want my partner to, also. He once joked about not doing that and I took him seriously and he got upset. Is that wrong? I am so confused right now and I don't know what to do. I have someone in my life but I always find some small reason to break up with them. Can I be too picky? Please help me.

I also have one more question: I always seem to fall for straight guys. Is this normal and how can I get around this? It has caused some problems where I can get things mixed up and think that things people say or do are clues that they either like me or want to hook up. It is a real pain.

One last question, is it okay to be single at my age, I know this might sound silly but I just wanted to ask. Sometimes I do feel like that but then there are times when I don't.

Thanks,

Johnnie

******

Hi Johnnie,

I think there are two primary issues in what you wrote, and let's tackle them one at a time...

First, you give the impression that you're trying to find ways NOT to have things work out with your boyfriends -- in fact, you say as much when you ask "Can I be too picky?" Now, I guess I should say that having high standards is a good thing, but the question here is do you set them too high, or, more likely, do you set them to a particular level based on each situation, so that whoever you're dating can't possibly meet them.

Here's the question to ask yourself: What, exactly, are you afraid of? Is it getting TOO intimate with a guy? Is it that you think you need to be seen only with a guy who is so gorgeous that others tongues will drool? Is it the sex itself, perhaps? It's hard to identify, from what you have written, but I have a feeling that somewhere in here you're going to find that you're scared of something, and that's why you fall for straight guys, that's why you find little reasons to keep boyfriends out of your life. Once you get to the answer to this question, and decide how you want to move forward, I think you'll find you enter into a relationship with much longer term possibilities.

Second, is it okay to be single? Certainly. We live in a society that seems to enforce the idea that perfection, or completeness, is only accomplished as part of a couple. But that's ridiculous. It's fine to be single, if you're fine with that, and are comfortable with who you are. But don't use this as an excuse for not having a boyfriend, if what you're doing is pushing them away, alright?

But back to being single... there's no need to be in a relationship if you're not ready, or if the right person hasn't come along. And not all relationships have to be long-term ones -- they come in all shapes and sizes, and it's fine if it's just for fun, or just for sex, or perhaps it's the man you have been searching for, too. But when it's ready, it will happen, and most likely it will be random -- meeting the right person is not something that you can make happen, it just does.

Hope things go well for you!

Chris
chris@kryzan.com


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