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Mike

November 1999

I feel there is a need for an introduction, since this is my first time writing for Oasis. My name is Mike, I live in Indiana, I'm 17, and I'm gay. There you go, that's basically me. Not really, but I don't have enough room to go into great detail. (At least not yet....)

The new school year started, and I'm off to a rocky start. This is my senior year and I made the mistake of taking classes I don't need to graduate. I have kept a steady F average in Chemistry so far, and my grade in Math is slowly declining. I am doing very well in my Film class and in my Photography class, but those are interesting classes, and I have a problem with paying attention to stuff I don't care about.

I feel more at ease this year, probably due to the fact that I came out to my friends this summer, and I now know what its like for people to know the real you. I have been blessed with the gift of great friendship, I should say. No one has reacted negatively, except for a couple "You're lying!" and "You can't be!" remarks.

Boys have come and gone, too. I have had this problem with falling in love with my close friends and it hasn't done a damn thing for me. It used to be only on my straight guy friends, but now I get crushes on my gay friends too. I'm almost to the point where I'm pushing all guy friends away, just because I'm afraid to get close to them. I like to refer to this as "pushing the boys into the volcano"....

I have been depressed, too, for many reasons. My main reason for my sadness is that I feel so alone. The town I live in is not at all small, but the people here are all the same. I am close with a lot of gay people, but they either don't think of me like that, or I don't think of them like that. For example, let's call this person X. X and I met at Borders over the summer. We immediately clicked, watching Gregg Araki movies, drinking tons of coffee, getting trashed together, and listening to music 24-7.

The only problem with this situation is that X never would think of me like a boyfriend. His type are jocks, preppy boys, and all-around muscle heads. I fall into none of these categories, and from what I gathered from him, I was the total opposite of what he wanted. And I loved him, that was the hardest part to deal with. I had to let him go. B, this boy I met, who was so close to coming out of the closet after befriending me, also falls into the category of 'lost loves'. He got scared and jumped back into the closet faster than you can say rutabaga. Such is life, I guess.

Back to my original reasons for depression, the other is that I still have not told my parents. A weird and perverse side of me wants to see the look on their faces and that's all, but the other side of me wants acceptance. I want them to know why I was on antidepressants for so long, and why I had to go to a shrink for a good 2 years. Coming Out Day came by so fast, I didn't even have a chance to think of what to say.

There, that's me, summed up into a whole 5 or 6 paragraphs. The drama of my life is so pathetic that new stuff happens everyday, so be expecting a long column next time.

Love and a 1000 oceans,

Mike

You can write me at SpaceDog1674@hotmail.com. All letters will be answered. I love making new friends, too!

P.S. The soundtrack to my life has been pretty much just 'To Venus and Back' by Tori Amos. Most of my inspiration comes from her, and if you have not heard this, I highly suggest it.

 


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