November 1999


OK. This month we: learn about the exciting worlds of city politics and amusements, a mild sports update, Mike repents for printing the "Bonus" in last month's column, and he dishes out his usual Words of Advice and Question of the Month. Let's check it out.

My Cock Is Cleaner Than Your Bum

This headline is a total rip-off of some movie with Danny Devito at Harvard that I saw on the TV this morning, but it was so great that I had to combine two totally different subjects under it just so I could use the line. Topic A has to do with cock fighting. I saw this special on HBO the other day where this town has an active cock-fighting club. They all get together with their roosters and strap razor blades to their legs and let them at it. Dumb sport. They had some guy on saying that the best way for these roosters to die is to go down fighting. Who's up for putting this reject in a cage with a buddy and letting them fight to the death? Hey, it's honorable, right?

Topic B rants on my favorite periodical. Once again, my idiot paper decided to run a column from some half-wit. Said wit wrote on why bums should be respected. He pointed out that they bring character to the city and are citizens in every count. Speaking from my experience last year, bums scared the hell out of me. I am a hobo-magnet. They see me coming and their faces light up because they know that this sucker will probably shell out his pocket change. They get all up in my face until I'm relieved of my coins. I'm sympathetic to their plight and I understand it can be very hard to rise from the bottom but I refuse to condone begging. No amount of handouts will allow this guy to get cleaned up and look for a job. He's living day-to-day and doesn't have a long-term plan. Perhaps the city could rehabilitate them, but it's not doing them any favors by letting them resemble street fixtures.

Knicks and Hicks

Yeah, I said it. The Knicks are here at my school practicing. Cool, huh? Too bad I haven't seen them yet because their practice schedule is ridiculous. I also heard they're going to be here a whopping week and a half. They didn't practice last year due to the strike but the year before they were here a good while. I just want to see monkey-man Patrick Ewing. That would be cool.

He's Fine Guys, Honest

I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression to a lot of you last month. If you managed to get down to the "bonus" at the end of my column, you may have been in for a surprise. We've all taken the self-pity wagon for a spin and I had my turn at it. Fortunately it was only for a night or two and I got over it. I put it in there to show that I'm real. You can be the most optimistic person in the world and still have your days. Thanks for the ones that wrote in concerned, and thanks to the guy that gave me a kick in the pants for writing it. It's good to be humbled now and then.

Oh, and the headline, "Too Short," well that was kind of a joke. See, it's really just a minor theme amongst many. To give an example, it'd be like claiming that I don't do well in school because I don't eat well. Sure, it may have something remotely to do with my grades, but in the larger scheme of things it seems silly if you sit down and analyze it.

Friendship Factor

My Question of the Month last time brought in a lot of responses (thank you thank you thank you). Curiously, the paragraph leading in to it seemed to touch a lot of you. Apparently I struck a nerve somewhere commenting on how a lot of potential hookups go awry by getting to know someone too well. This seems to be the general consensus. One guy wrote in saying he plans to use this as his senior thesis. Could make for some interesting reading, no?

Mike's Words of Advice

1. Never start drinking heavily at 5:00 unless you plan to be dead in bed at 10.

2. Even the dumbest comedy movies have their moments. Watch one over and over again until you begin to pick up on the little stuff. You'll be rolling on the floor.

Question of the Month

Like I said, last month's response was great. Honest. For once I'm not being sarcastic. This leaves me somewhat strapped on what this month's question should be. Of course it needs to deal with sex or else I won't keep your attention long enough for you to write. Okay, let's make this significant.

What one age grouping gives you the biggest turn-on?

For a little clarification, keep the age groupings down to about five years or less (i.e. 15-18 would work). I promise I won't use this information for anything other than personal curiosity and I won't publish names or email addresses. Scouts honor. Email at the address below.

I'm Spent

That's right, you've got me panting and unable to move. I'm all out of ideas for now. Once again, thanks all of you for reading me each month. I really appreciate it.



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