November 1999

Well, this is my second article and hopefully I can get a little deeper this month. I think I was just barely able to scratch the surface last month because of lack of thought.

We had our bonfire and homecoming last week. It was great, me and my girl friend just held each other all night. It was so romantic, even if it was with a girl. We played the spirit games and danced a little, then we went over to the swings to be alone. We returned in time for the fire, we were right in front. I held her in my arms and she held me. It was so great, I can't wait until I have this experience with a guy.

Well, it is my birthday this month and I will now be 15. I can't help but think maybe I will get a boyfriend soon. It would be the best birthday present ever, but it's just a wish. I think that I want a boyfriend so bad because I have always had a void within me, a void to be filled with love and it seems to be constantly empty.

My dad is just some empty carcass with seemingly no feeling and emotion and my mom, well she doesn't much seem to fit that description any more. Even before they split, my mom was always out clubbing or whatever she was doing with my new stepfather and for those years when I was 7-9, she was never there. I had a sister for a mom. She watched me, bought me nice things, cooked, challenged me to start the foundation for what would make me a good person. And when she was not there, I was left with my brother. He usually had friends over and wanted to show off so he would beat me up for little things. There were a few, and luckily only a few, times he had hit me with enough force to knock me over. He is still messed up. He reminds me a lot of Hitler, and you can't ever trust him. One minute he might want to be a big brother and take you to the mall and out for lunch, and then next he is making fun of every little flaw you possess. And my stepdad is just an asshole, he is sooooo strict. He thinks if he had to be in by eight at my age than so do I.

I have no fun at all and hardly any friends, because when I have them I am not allowed to do anything. I can't wait until I am older and I can move to San Francisco with him. I can't wait to escape from now and what I call my life to find a better life. Like I have said, I like being gay. I guess it's because I always picture it as me being saved by my gay "knight in shiny armor" so to speak, and him doing romantic things for me.

When I look at a heterosexual relationship, I see the man doing all the romantic stuff and never being taken care of in the emotional way like his head in her shoulders as he cries and she says it will be okay, it's always the reverse. When I think of a gay male relationship, I see them sharing the duty, they are both romantic, both are weak and in need and strong and giving.

Well that's my article for the month. I better give up now so I have something left for next month. Take care, good luck, and love yourself as well as everyone else.


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