November 1999

I've Changed

In a space of time about six or eight months I've changed a lot. It's odd to think that so much of my feelings and my reactions to situations can be different from experiences that I've had not such a long time ago when they reoccur now.

In love I'm the same but totally different. I'm the same in that I've still not got a boyfriend and am still desperately seeking the perfect guy, and still getting nowhere! But a year ago I know that I'd found the person that I loved. I was in love with my best friend. He was beautiful, had a wonderful personality, and was straight. I never told him of my love for him because I didn't want to risk ruin a friendship when I knew that there would be nothing achieved by taking a risk. I really suffered for him. I knew that I loved him and I wouldn't deny that, even now, when I'm 200 miles away from him and have no contact with him. I would look forward to seeing him, I would build myself up for something to happen knowing that I was just building myself up for a big disappointment. And that just made the disappointment worse, because I was disappointed that I wasn't wrong in my expectations as well as the fact that he wasn't interested. (if that makes sense!?)

There are people who I fancy now, but I stop myself from loving them. I can recognize the good looks, and the personalities. But I can stop myself from going that one step further unless I know that I have a chance. At least, I think I can anyway, when I meet the perfect guy I'm sure I'll prove myself wrong!

My attitudes towards my sexuality have changed as well. At first, when I came out to some fairly conservative people, they said things to me like "I don't have a problem with homosexuality, I just don't like to see it around me too obviously." Now I used to agree with that statement. Not any more, mainly because it's obviously crap. Everyone is free to show whatever side to themselves they want in whatever way they want. If being too obvious is kissing your partner in the street, or acting camp then I'd be tempted to turn round and tell whoever dares to stick their nose in to fuck right off. I'd like to see them telling a black person they were acting too black, or ask a hetero couple to walk on separate sides of the street.

And I'm not alone in that thinking. When I'm standing there waiting for a tube, I look at the latest set of adverts. "I hate homophobes, especially when they flaunt it," or "my son's homophobic, I hope it's just a phase." They support me when I'm feeling a bit rough, but I wonder how many people are actually taking note though.

How long will it be before I change enough to not care what other people think of my sexuality. When I send this into Oasis, I'll also be sending a coming out email to some new friends of mine. I used to think I'd changed enough to be able to come out without worrying too much-but I've put it off and off until I can't be bothered any more.

Best of luck with whatever your issues are.



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