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Schell

November 1999

Loss

It's been a few months since I wrote anything. And most of it has been my fault I guess. I've just been too busy. And things have been going interestingly well for me the past while:

Part One: Gay pride?? What pride??

In June I threw Saskatoon, Saskatchewan's first Gay pride rave. Called Diversity the lineup included Gatekeeper residents E.T., Krysis, myself as well as Jeff Galaxy making an appearance from Regina. It was the first time an all ages Friday night was thrown for gay pride. Some serious obstacles ensued that month before. One which included a particular gay club which pretty much panicked when we had thrown our event the night of a drag show. The second was our club. As the time went further and further on and towards the main night Club Lux behind our backs did a lot of things which nearly prevented us from having a gay pride rave.

By the time that everything was said and done, we had almost 150 people, an eager crowd to continue dancing and yours truly giving one of the best hard trance sets of his DJing so far. And it didn't hurt for me to DJ in my Calvin's either *smile*. I knew by that time I would throw another event. I was unsure when, but I knew that it would happen. I didn't make any money off the event, but then again that was not my main concern. My concern?? To provide an outlet for gay youth and for people to come and have a good time.

After this there was some time of rest and relaxation, which included many cyber crushes which included a near online relationship again (until I found out the guy pretty much lied to me and behind my back.. ick) It also included me finally coming out to my coworker, and him laughing at me and pretty much shooting me down. Some things I guess should never be made public I guess. My summer from then on consisted of Sociology 110, work and general lounging and laziness in Saskatoon. I would venture to Regina sporadically to pick up records and to see friends, which in turn actually did me some good.

Part 2: Coming out, The Summit and him..

In July I got a phonecall from Deko-Ze, which normally is odd cause he never calls unless it's extremely important (I do the calling). He requested me to be opening DJ at The Summit, Saskatoon's 5 day rave being put on by the PPM in Saskatoon. Ironically they were the ones who had pulled me into the rave scene so it was very fitting to be opening a 5 day event. I was happy and ecstatic. Here I was going to be the opening DJ of the whole thing.

About a week before that weekend in September I gave a presentation in my sociology class about coming out of the closet and I turned a few heads. But I received an 80% so I'm not complaining. I not only turned a few heads but I think got some people listening and learning. Believe me coming out of the closet is a hard thing to do, especially when it's out to about 40 people who I hardly know. Some of my visual aids included clips from both The Hanging Garden as well as UK masterpiece Beautiful Thing. In total it was a wise move on the part that I felt a little more comfortable with myself afterwards, as well as now even more comfortable around a group of people.

The weekend of the Summit was more than phenomenal, with me pulling off a good DJ set. I met a lot of new people that particular weekend, including a guy who'll I'll refer to as C. He's really sweet, and a great guy all around. I've never been hugged by someone as much as him. That weekend I actually hadn't been hugged by as many people as I did. As I watched Mark E.G. dismantle records with his teeth (!) and Deko-Ze thumped me over the head with his set of hard house and trance I was moved that weekend. The Summit was a weekend where I felt I had left a lot of things behind me. It was a weekend where I could totally lose it and enjoy myself, and I did..

By the way this guy and I are a work in progress..(as in I'm not crossing my fingers but it would be nice).

Part 3: Nexus 99 and closure

One of the most vivid memories of Nexus in September was Deko-Ze's set, and how hard and euphoric it was. The end of his set consisted of a song by Sunscreem which is called "Who Will Love Me Now". It was here I began crying and hugging my best friend tightly. For me Nexus was closure in the sense I could leave the bad parts about 1998 from nexus on. I could finally say it was over to the guy who I loved since we met in 1998 and I lost to the day nexus had finished. I was a puddle of raver goop after seeing 6000 people go off. I pretty much went home in a box. Edmonton was a full circle holiday for me (refer to last October's article), and now I'm glad to completely put the ghosts to rest. *smile*

I know that I called this article loss.. and you're probably wondering why. To me this past year was about Loss, and what I gained in return. I lost a lot of things, I also lost myself. But in losing myself I also found myself as well, and found my calling as a DJ. Even though I lost him I regained my self confidence and the ability to stand on my own.

Until next month..

Schell
stl791@mail.usask.ca


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