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Sebastian

November 1999

It's been such a long time since I wrote last ... and although it was my first time I really enjoyed writing it and the amazing response I got from everyone. Unfortunately my Internet access was terminated days after my article made it on "Oasis" and while I was able to respond to most of those who wrote, now that I am once again on line I found another 15-20 e-mails from people who read my article. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, the support I got was so great and I suddenly stopped feeling as alone as I was when I wrote it.

Since my last article my life has taken a drastic change, I have stopped feeling pity for myself for being gay and actually began looking at the upside to it and how great it is ... Because when you really think about it and you become comfortable with it, it can be lots of FUN.

In my last article, I wrote about my need to desperately come out to my friends and stop hiding my feelings and gay tendencies, but the truth was that I didn't need to come out my friends but rather come out to myself. I needed to become comfortable with who I was and while it may sound egotistic, I needed to discover how great and unique I really am.

I know it's easier said than done but before you can come out to anyone I think it's important to not only accept who you are but also love who you are. Once you have achieved this, the process of coming out to your friends comes almost naturally, I am no longer afraid to make comments that might have earlier put me in awkward situations, like mentioning how great Ryan Phillipe looks in that new movie! (And he does!) Or admitting I like Boy bands not so much because of their music ... or wear clothes that would normally would have been considered "Queer", because it's me! And I Like me! And if you don't, tough!

Throughout this last couple months I began analysing my life and try to pin point the exact moment when I became gay and you know what? I couldn't find it! Because I was born this way, I have always been this way and the people around me, my family, my friends ... love me for me, for who I am and the way I act towards them.

Since I can remember I was always different from the other kids. While most 6-7 year old males enjoyed beating each other up, playing soccer and running away from girls, I was dancing, picking out my clothes, watching soap operas and your average super hero cartoons. But unlike the boys who wanted to be like the super hero because of it's ability to beat up the bad guys, I wanted to be like him because he was so good looking, had nice clothes and just looked "Cool".

And as I look back at those times, I realise how much fun I had and how much fun my family had too. Browsing trough photo albums one night, I found a whole book full of pictures of one night when my parents had the music up loud and took pictures of me while I got down and boogied for over hour! (And I swear those same moves are now in Ricky Martin's videos ... hehehehe) Somehow I had forgotten how much I loved that night ... and that was me, the same person that I am now, and if people cant accept me now even though I am still the same person I was 13 years ago then it's not my fault! I didn't change, they did!

And while I am still not officially out except to other gay friends, I am no longer afraid of who I am, and I can be myself with the people I love, I am not going to approach them and let them know I am gay! They will see it for themselves and if they are ready to deal with it, then they will approach me about it, if they aren't then they can keep believing I am straight, because it doesn't matter! I am still the same person ... who I may eventually decide to sleep with, or who I happen to find attractive has absolutely no affect what so ever on my relationship with my loved ones ... . It's me Sebastian, I was born like this, and I have lived for almost 20 years like this and will continue to so until my time is up!

E-mail me: sebastian112@hotmail.com Visit me: http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Castle/5335/index.html


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