December 1999

The Ever Burgeoning Circle of Intolerance

The hardest thing in life to learn is that acceptance is hard to find. People play to the stereotypes that they see on TV, in public, and in church. No wonder so many young people (especially gay and lesbian youth) feel the need to commit suicide. I know that my own life would have been much easier to deal with if I had felt that I had either a place or a person to turn to for guidance.

I knew I was gay when I was 12 years old. Maybe not in the sense that I know now but I certainly knew that I was different from all the 'OTHER' boys. All I knew is that I viewed them in a way that girls did and according to everything that I had learned in life THAT was not normal. Now, kids watch the news and see reverends from Kansas preaching hate against homosexuals in the name of God. No wonder things have become such a mess. Because of things like this I was a very scared, apprehensive, and depressed child.

As I grew and my teenage years passed by I became disenfranchised with life. I didn't want to live. I would wake up every morning in a dark mood and prayed to GOD for my life to change. I wanted him to make me 'not' gay. I was so down on myself that I would go for days without eating. I would skip school and go hide in a small wooded area near where I lived. Sometimes when I skipped school I would just go home and get underneath my bed and lay there all day. Sometimes I would cry at these times. Mostly though I lay there like a mannequin because it had gotten to the point where my body was as void as it could be of any emotion. It was eas-ier to deny my body of feeling than it was to deal with all the pain I felt inside.

I was a lost child. Suicide started to become a recurrent thought and option for me. After time I began to think of nothing other than HOW to kill myself in the most efficient way possible. I began to make a list of viable suicidal applications that could be used if I ever decided to follow through with what my mind 'thought' it wanted. My suicidal ideations grew in strength and magnitude. It is any wonder I made it through this rough time in my life and that I am even here at all writing to you about this.

When I was 15 my mom began to notice my mood. She noticed that I began to wear all dark clothing, that I was dejected most of the time and that cuts began to appear on my arms. Actually I was depressed most of the time but there were a few good moments littered throughout this horrific period for me. It was at this time that my mom decided to send me to see a psychologist.

Over time I began to come out of my cocoon and I unlocked the door to my feel-ings and I told my mom and counselor that I was gay. It was very liberating and it relieved a lot of pressure for me. I began extensive counseling to come to grips with being gay and eventually my suicidal ideations went away.

I know most of the credit for my recovery should go to myself but I do in essence owe my mother my life. If she hadn't noticed my abnormal behavior I don't be-lieve I would be here today and I would never have learned to love myself again. I have discovered that life is grand even with all its great injustices.

I guess my point to this article is, 'learn to love yourself'. Also, if you notice a family member or a friend whose behavior changes for no apparent reason seek help for them. Encourage them to seek guidance and most of all let them know you care and that you will be there for them through think and thin. It is important for gay youth to know that they will be loved no matter what their sexual orientation.

Anyway, for those of you out there who feel this way, know that there are people who care. If you need someone to talk to e-mail me. I will be more than happy to talk with you about your feelings. Also, if anyone has any comments or suggestions that they would like to make on my latest article please contact me. I can be reached at boyblue99@hotmail.com. Thanks and best to all during the holiday season. HUGS


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