December 1999

Thanks to everyone who wrote in about my November column. I didn't think anyone would read it.. It's inspiring to get such good feedback. SO, here's more for everyone. Unedited, as always.


In April, I lost my way in a Chicago warehouse, with eleven spicy boys. A great wave of anguish knowing I could not take any of them green home back with me. The twins, oh god those twins with dark green eyes and olive skin shades of scarlet and violet and blue and half-witted grey and a boy who wrapped his bare arms around me and lured me to a small bright heaven. Asking me to come to his car for a time and a half.

Why I didn't I don't know. (Instead?) I got together with a beautiful sweet boy four days later, in a long slow swoon into mad mad love that's lasted all of these seven months and so enlightened my life I remember vaguely hazy what it was like before. Through this open blue portal I see with more clarity than I have ever seen, the inflated world crystalline, pulsing ultraviolets under my skin, my mind and my brown brown eyes that burn with the sight, the stretching beauty jeweled facets of glorious, breathing life. I am fed by love, revealed and infinitely comforting, freeing me to wake from long languid solitude with its drawn grey skies and endless nights of forlorn and jealous sighs and fear of a quiet madness. This single greatest experience of my life, throwing open the gates of pregnant inspiration after a long long pause, enabling me to write again, with more depth, fervor and imagination than I have ever dreamed possible.

There are souls and stories and humanity repeating themselves in a violent clamor, and eventually with white ecstatic fever I will tell them all. This is mine, part of my beautiful path, my claim after tying silence to my head and living for years with my heavy eyelids drenched by red lust every night -- doing my damndest to force myself straight, involving girls in my fantasies, only to have them kicked out of my mental bed by that cute boy who always talked to me in class, smiling with dark lips and bright sapphire eyes as I lay there in my half-sleep, lips parted for the kiss that would not come.

In my dream, we are two beautiful boys, together, blind in the ecstasy of dance. In my dream, love is beautiful anguish and pure. In my dream, there were fission god-overwhelming flashing experiences so terribly profound, so beautifully human that finally I understood how to be.

In my dream, I am a child again who sees a thousand tiny blue flames like shattered pieces of the brilliant afternoon sky moving in a slow descending spiral on his bedroom walls, so asleep but so aware, the world sooo alive, saying hi hi hi! hi.

In love, I am the child I forgot about, innocent, eyes wide wide open and dreaming a very real dream.

I am the lonely boy made whole.



Andrew continues to write for free. He can be reached for fun, games, chat or employment at andrew_ks@yahoo.com

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