December 1999

What the fuck? - that about sums up my life as of late. This is my second article to Oasis and I promise not to be the whiny little bitch that I was last month. (Like I could promise that). Anyways, it's been a long couple weeks and I keep telling myself that I have experienced every possible emotion to its extreme. But it's not over yet and every day, a new sensation creeps through the numbness I have created around me and I feel new heights of rage, love, jealousy, apathy, sadness, and hope. Kinda sounds like those quotes on movie posters, huh?

If only I could share with you all that I have learned from the last month, to keep you from making the same mistakes, than it would almost seem worthwhile. But I have a feeling that what I'm sharing is one of those things that need to be experienced and that no one can ever really warn you about.

Regardless, I have come to so many conclusions about my relationship with my Boy. I hope that change is a realistic possibility and one is not trapped by life into a series of repeating cycles.

What I have compiled is a series of personal reflections and decisions that I hope all of you who have found someone special can take note and perhaps avoid some of the trouble you might cause while caught up in the oblivious state of ecstasy, that is love.

This will be unedited and uncut - a copy of notes I scrawled out at six in the morning after several sleepless nights of realizing how much I truly loved my Boy and acknowledging what a kick in the balls I really needed to appreciate his presence in my life. So, here you go:

Things to learn from all this . . . and not fucking forget (like last time):.

1. Don't ever forget how it feels to be made jealous - so don't fuck around (physically or mentally).

2. Don't take what you have for granted - you should enjoy every moment of the time you spend together from holding each other, to the arguments, to driving in the car together on the way to the grocery store.

3. Give each other space, get the routine shit done in your own time, so your can fully appreciate your time together.

4. Frustration, anticipation, and tension are the key to great sex - it's not just about getting off.

5. Talk to each other! Be honest about how your feeling and actually try to resolve issues when they come up. Don't just make each other feel better about everything and then move on.

6. If you love him as much as you think you do, you better fucking show him that.

7. It's not all about you - so grow up and give something up to make time for each other. Parties and friends will always be there, while moments of a relationship are tenuous and precious at best - so make the best of every moment.

8. If you really love him - then you better tell him that and make sure he feels special (don't assume he knows how much you feel about him).

9. If your so fucking attracted to him then you better do all the stuff you really want to do with him or fantasize about doing - and keep it FRESH. Yo, that means don't just think about it!

10. Never, ever, regardless of how tired you might be or how early you might need to get up in the morning - question the point of so frequently sharing the same bed and falling asleep over at his place - once it's gone, it just might be your biggest regret.

Well now, for those of you still around after all that can I just share how scared I used to be of a long term relationships. Being committed, ah!!!!! "Doesn't that mean him and me become a we?" - but I realized it never has to be like that. We're young, I do not have to fall into the same monotonous pitfalls as my parents. I can remain an individual with my own interests and pursuits- I just choose to share the other parts of my life with another very special person. Each of us may remain whole, we just choose to follow the same path.

My Boy brings out something special in me, allows me to focus my energy and passions. Why should things ever have to fall into a routine if you are aware of that very possibility.

Most importantly, I think I was scared because I'm young and how could I expect to settle down for life, but it's not about that at all. It's about the feelings that you share with that special someone and a desire to keep them going as they long as those feelings endure. I feel that a relationship is not the promise of forever but rather an agreement that as long as you feel so incredibly attracted and drawn to that one other, then why not try to keep it going? I can't fathom a point where I wouldn't feel this way about my Boy and so as long as we continue to share these incredible feelings- how can that be a bad thing? You must believe that if the desire is there, compiled with a mutual respect, than you can overcome any problems that ensue.

And yo, you can always keep things FRESH - that's not only easiest part but also the most fun.

Well, thanks for listening. Remember to show your Boy how much you love him tonight- from a simple call to see what he's up to or finding your way into his bed before he gets home tonight so he can see your clothes on the floor and find your naked body curled up asleep in his bed, as he walks through the door from a long day at work, needing nothing more than to fall asleep in his already warm bed.


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