December 1999

From the top

Just a word of advice, I love metaphors, and commas, so beware.

I better begin with my stats. I'm a 15 year old (16 in December) guy, and I'm ___ (take a wild guess). I'm from a rather large town in Ontario, Canada and I live in an igloo, well not really, but any money I fooled 20 percent of you. I have yet to leave my steel bolted prison otherwise called my "closet," as I know I should (since it is starting to smell in here) but I figure I would die of a heart attack, and besides, miracles don't happen, especially to me.

Here is the story

I'm disgustingly depressed (and no one knows thanks to a little object you will find out about in a sec) and I am bitter. There. Let's just say I'm not doing very well. As some, if not all of you know, the little masks we wear are very, very heavy, and mine is getting rusty and wearing thin. I really need to get free. I figure if I don't remove it soon I'm going to die, mentally and/or physically. I also hope that if this happens, I will have a great amount of weight taken off my back. There is just one small problem, I am also insanely and pathetically terrified of what is under it. I am also afraid I might lose the few people I call friends, all of which are straight (by the way, I don't know any queers). There is one person I know who I know would totally be fine with it, but as much as it saddens me, we are growing apart. I also can't tell my mom because she is the kind of person who goes on about how she is fine with gays and what they do but deep down you know she isn't. Damn, life sucks.

Men in my life (what a joke)

There are no men in my life, not even boys (of my age). I mean, no important ones. Hell, my eyes wander, but what I see isn't what I need, I might want it but, but I cant have it.


I don't have it unless the person is totally flaunting it, I'm clueless. How do I figure out????. For now I figure I will try and buff myself up to catch a few eyes, but that takes time and time is something I don't have much of. As I said before, I don't know any gay people, I wish I did, it would sure help out a lot. As of now, this online magazine is my only way of getting to know people like me.

Help Wanted

I really need someone to talk to, teachers and "guidance counselors" like gossip, I don't. As for psychiatrists, if I had the bills and besides, I don't need my mom knowing. I'm gonna take this "mask" off somehow, I just don't want it to be for nothing.


If you would like to "express" your feelings towards this, please e-mail me at jackmcfarel@hotmail.com.

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