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Joshua N.

December 1999

Finding Myself... Again

The title was very true for, even though I was starting my new life and I thought I was complete, I didn't feel like myself. Something wasn't right. I knew that I wanted this life, that I wanted to do what I was doing. To hang out with my gay friends and talk about who we liked and what we liked. Yet, I left out the rest of my life, the rest of my friends, the things that made me "straight" acting. This, I knew, was not right.

But I didn't want to be that pre-gay Joshua, I wanted to be that Neo-Genesis Joshua, reborn to the life I was supposed to lead, the life I wanted to live for the longest time, the life that I thought would make me completely happy... but something was missing, something was not clear to me, like a sign in the distance in a foggy day, I could see its outline, but not the contents, what it said.

Confusion was part of my daily life, thinking every other moment, looking for a reason of why I wasn't happy. Doubt stooped to Depression and that lead to a horrible loneliness that I hadn't felt in a long time. I separated myself from the rest of the world, only going out of my room for food, take long walks and go to school. Even in those moments that I wasn't in my little prison I would not talk to anyone, would not answer the phone, not even say hi to people I would see in the distance, even tried to go the opposite direction.

Twice I fell asleep crying, trying to understand why I was so sad at myself, why I didn't love who I was as I used to. This went on for more than 20 days, and in that time I didn't talk to anyone. Until one day I talked to one of my friends that I met through the Internet and that I now hanged out with almost all the time (of course I stopped talking to him because of the depression). He said he was worried about me because he hadn't seen me in a long time and really missed me. He also told me that the rest of the gang was wondering what happened to me and missed me also. This brought a smile to my face, for the first time since my depression started and also started thinking of other people and not dwell in my sorrow. I promised him then that I would see him next weekend and we could hang out. I had three days to find out what was wrong with me and solve it.

Lucky me I had 20 days that I had been thinking of that same reason, but it needed that boost from my friends to actually find and answer. In the middle of the night, while I was trying to fall asleep, it came to me. It came to me in a train of thought as it raced past my minds station at top speed. A glimmer of it was all I needed and with that I found my answer.

I had gone to the extreme. Instead of accepting my new identity, I tried to absorb it quickly into myself and instead of melding it with me, I bumped my old self out like a smelly sock. Not a good idea I found out. For the old Joshua was not a bad guy at all. Very charismatic, full of life, caring, funny, great fashion sense, philosophical and yearned for knowledge. The old Joshua had defects, but barely noticeable. Why would anyone in the right mind want to throw such a personality out the door? Finding this out it was all about merging them both into one person, Pre-Gay Joshua and Neo-Genesis Joshua. And indeed I did, but it wasn't easy for I had to search for myself once more, refind my old self and convince "him" to return to me and meet the new Joshua and see if they can get along, to see if they could mix. And indeed they did, though they are still working on it.

Once I returned to my old self I hanged out with my old friends. We had many laughs and after a while one of them took me to a corner and asked me what had happened to me? Told me that I had changed, that I seemed more alive now than when he met me. I just smiled and, never leaving my sigh from his eyes, told him in a whisper: "Meet the old Joshua."

Next Week I will be my last column on my coming out story so hold on to your seats as I tell you of my first crush, first date and many other first in my life as Macro Joshua.

joshuan50@hotmail.com


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