Joshua S.

December 1999

It's kind of hard seeing everyone anticipating their journeys back home for thanksgiving, while I await a day alone in my dorm room. I have been dating Carlos for 3 weeks now, and we have spent every night together since Halloween. Tonight is my first night alone, and so far it has been very difficult. I feel as if I lost someone, but I know he only went home to Texas for 9 days.

I never imagined I could like someone so much as to feel such an emptiness without them. It hurts me to realize I have become vulnerable, that I have allowed something...someone to consume me, to distract me from college. Don't get me wrong though, I love spending time with Carlos. I love the idea of being with someone. I love the person he is, and I can't help but be amazed by him. I care deeply for Carlos, but my theory of "relationships don't last" scares me into the idea that I'm wasting my time with him. I am lost without a person, because they are going home for nine days. What happens when we fight, and no longer speak to each other?

I was strong when I lost friends in my coming out, and it bothers me to think that I am no longer the strong self-controlled person I was. True, some people would say I was actually just a coldhearted Anorexic whose only care was to die, but I don't see it that way. I see myself now as being softer, being more vulnerable. It has been a very confusing month for me.

I had bouts of Bulimia, manic episodes, and yet I was engulfed with happiness when I was around Carlos. I can't help but have moments where I just want to push him away. I know this is silly since we have only been together for 3 weeks, but I have never liked anyone as much as I like him. Maybe I'm just being stupid, and maybe I am too afraid of being hurt or even being happy. There is one thing I have discovered though. No matter how much I like someone, they can't change what I think about myself.

I still have to find happiness within myself, and so I will continue on that journey. I hope someday to find in me what other people see everyday. I am only a freshman in college, but I have always felt much older than my actual age. I guess I am still learning, but I expect so much to come of things for I feel so old. I feel that I don't have a lot of time left to experience things.

I guess I am just bored with the trivial things, and I want solid commitments, but then again ...who doesn't? As I prepare to sleep alone tonight, I try to ignore the void within me. This is now the time to put me first, and try to accomplish things that will benefit me. In time, I will be a successful political scientist magazine journalist stripper...hehe... look out.

On a more serious note. This past week a student at my university took his own life. Please pray for him, and everyone else who feels trapped in life. May they realize they are not alone, and that they can survive the pain.

Thank You,

Joshua S.

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