December 1999

Full Circle

Okay guys, I know I said that this month would include your thoughts on the topic of love, but I've decided to wait until February for that one. I've gotten a ton of responses from you guys. If anyone else is interested in responding, please check out last month's (November's) article for the questions.

To be honest with you, I'm kind of distraught this month, and it's been amplified this past Monday (November 15). In the past month, my mom's been a real witch, I might lose my place as second in my class because of a chemistry grade, and I might not be able to work anymore because of school scheduling problems. The stress is mounting.

In hopes of relieving some stress, I went down to B.T.'s house. We went to watch CATS this past weekend. (It was awesome by the way!) For those of you who don't know, B.T. is my best-friend, supposedly straight, boy-toy. He's caused me the entire gambit of emotion. For background on our relationship check out my July article "What Next??" and my August Article "Learn To Fly Again."

He knows I'm bisexual, and he has no problem cuddling with me or joking about us being "together." Even though he's always had a girlfriend the entire time I've known him (not always the same one… he goes through them faster than I can keep track of). We nearly always sleep together and just cuddle. He's cool with that, and so am I. Even though I love him greatly, I don't push it.

I've had my suspicions about his possible "gay tendencies," but I've never confronted him about it. I'm just going to let him decide for himself, and I'll be here for him when he makes his decision. He may have made his decision this past weekend.

He was incredibly sweet to me the entire weekend. More so than usual. Sunday night/Monday morning I was surprised at how close he was as we cuddled. Around 2 AM, I awoke to him softly kissing my lower lip. I responded in like, and one thing led to another. Suffice to say, I had a lengthy make-out session and sexual encounter with my best friend, who I've had a crush on forever and wondered about his sexuality. It was incredible. To honor Oasis, I won't share in depth details, but you can e-mail me if you're interested.

Afterward we talked a little and fell asleep cuddling. The next day things took a drastic turn. He totally gave me the cold shoulder. He insisted that he had slept through most of it (yeah right!), and he had been dreaming about his girlfriend. To be quiet blunt, how can you sleep through an orgasm, and how would he coherently say MY NAME in the middle of it. He hardly acknowledged me, and the next night he went to work with his dad leaving me to sleep alone in his bed!

Understandably, I've been quiet upset about the situation. Here I've shared something very special with him, and he blows it off. Being quiet hurt, I wrote this…

I'm done. I've said it before, but this time it hits home. A sudden realization has come to life to me It's not supposed to feel like this. Life and love… It's supposed to invoke laughter, hope, and truth. Instead I feel tears, pain, and lies. Even plain, old-fashion friendship doesn't tear like this. Hell, friendship is a type of love. A true love. But I don't feel that here in return. All I feel is manipulated. I've given all I can. I've been as honest to myself and to B.T. as I possibly can be. And I've gotten only lies and cruel laughter in return. It's no longer worth my investment when there's no joy. I'm done

The rest of my time with B.T. was awful. I felt cheap. I couldn't even look at him. I had made up my mind that it was over. When he saw how upset I was, a little spark of the sweet boy I know reappeared. The last half an hour that I was there, he was again totally into me. What was I supposed to do.

If you read my earlier articles, you see how confused I was with our relationship. I had come to the conclusion that I was just going to let it go where it went. I wouldn't push or hope for anything. But now that this has happened, I can't just put this memory away. Could it be that that night was a confession to how he really feels, and it just scared him on how strong those feelings were? Perhaps I just need to give him time to come to terms with those feelings.

It was once I got home, in this confusion that I wrote the following:

What do you do when you care about someone so much that you'd give up anything to be with him or her? When you love that someone so much you'd lose everything that's important to you just to be close to him or her. But you can't. You're not allowed. They care, but they're in another world… they have another life to live.

All you want is to be close. To touch them. To feel their skin. To hold them and to be held. To know that you're important to them and they share some kind of special feeling. It's not about the sex. Just the cuddling and holding hands and the kisses when you just feel like kissing them. The additional stuff is nice, but not necessary.

Just to be near. It's not about exclusive rights. They don't need to be with you 24/7, and they can have other people who hold special places in their life, but you need to know that you hold a special places that's all your own. You wish they'd tell you that.

What do you do when you'd be happy just spending forever with that one person? Doesn't it seem ludicrous that one person could make you so happy even with both yours and that one's faults? It just seems to feel so right. When you think of them all the time and hope that they think about you once a week.

I just don't know what he feels. I can't tell if there's love there, or would he not care if I dropped off the face of the earth? How important am I to him? He's told me I am, but why won't he show me? How can I show my love, and it be okay? And what if I deny it, ignore it, hide it? What if I pretend that my love isn't there? How is that okay? My heart tells me it isn't. I've got to follow my heart even if my love isn't returned. And if that is the case, then I will be able to move on and grow and live.

Those are my thoughts. I'm back where I was. Confused with mine and his relationship. Share your thoughts…


MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! Hope you have a great holiday season, and that you find the love that will make it complete.

Also, next month I want to do an article on New Year's resolutions. E-Mail me at pobox469@hotmail.com with your resolution and it may be included. Be specific… how will you carry it out… give examples… I look forward to hearing from you.


MrPostman is known at home as Nick. He is 18 and lives in Michigan. He loves theater and music.

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