December 1999

Hello again. I am sorry I skipped last month but I have been pretty busy lately doing stuff for school and work. It's almost so surprising that I don't have time....because for the first 17 years of my life I had time for everything. Well anyway that doesn't matter anymore. I am not sure how long this article is going to be because I have nothing that exciting happening in my life but I will try to do everything I can to tell you the important things.


I hurt one of the greatest people I have ever met in my life. His name was Jesse. He is probably reading this and I am using this to use a public apology. I hurt him by breaking up with him, but I think it is better for him. He is so much of a better person than I am and he deserves better than I. I am not saying I am a horrible person, because I know I am not, but there is so much more out there for him that he would enjoy more. I know he'll find someone that is great for him someday, I just know it deep down inside.

While driving home one night I saw Danny. To be honest it was very upsetting. I wrote him that letter to get over him and it didn't work at all! I don't know what to do anymore about it. I try and try to get over him but I can't! It's almost impossible now.

I've stopped using his name and from now on he will be referred as "The Prince." It's a long story but all my friends give nicknames to the men they like in life. So I will refer to Danny as the Prince. My friend Kara is trying to convince me to call him one day and see how he is doing. I don't think I can do that though......after the way I left things. I wish I never wrote him that letter, it would have avoided all this heartache after a while.


I think that everyone in life has a purpose to fulfill. It may be a good destiny (as in saving someone) or a bad destiny (take your pick from the myriad kinds of bad things people do) but it was they were meant to do. I finally think I have found mine. I have told many people about it and they don't quite agree to it....but after thinking about it I think I may have some belief in it.

I first started to notice it when the whole deal with Tim went down. It seemed to me that even though I was utterly miserable people around me were happy. I know what you are thinking, and I do not believe that they liked to see me unhappy. That's the way it looked to me though...that whenever I was unhappy they were happy and vice versa. I thought about it for a while and have come to somewhat terms to it. Some of you may be confused to I will use a reference to a short story.

The story was called "The ones who walk away from Omelas." I don't remember who wrote it but I remember it so clearly. I could tell you the entire story but I will give you the basic idea of what it was about. It was about this town that was always happy. They did everything. People ran around naked, and there was no religion to make conflicts. People had orgies in the fields and no one ever fought. It was paradise itself! Then this house was described as being beautiful but in the basement hid an awful thing. It was a child (no gender was mentioned) who was repeatedly beaten and gawked at. The child lived in poverty. The child's purpose in Omelas was to let everyone know what sadness was so they could live happily. They couldn't be happy unless they knew what unhappiness looked like, and that was what the child provided.

Could this be my purpose in life? To live unhappily to let everyone else I know live happily? I don't know the answer, sometimes I believe it, but other times I do not believe it at all. It's a toss up...I just thought that if you could think of it and give me back some input it would be appreciated.


I finally know what it means when people tell me "Being gay is a lonely life." I didn't believe it and don't get me wrong......I would not want to be straight, but it is lonely. I finally got it out to my best friend Nicole one night. I was telling her how lonely. I told her I loved my friends and all but it wasn't enough anymore. It was really odd because she explained it best. She said "I can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely." That is exactly what I meant to say. I told her how it wasn't that I didn't have a boy to hold and kiss, but it was more about a person who could understand me. I want a friend who I can talk about sex with and have them not cringe (I found that in only one straight person which would have to be Matt), and to be able to go to gay clubs with, and go to a gay bookstore with. Even to enjoy watching a gay movie with. I don't have any of that in real life. I have on-line gay friends but that is about it. So I need gay friends.......but I don't know where to go to find some.


This article is almost over with but here is one final thing that is happening in my life. I've made a new friend. Her name is Stephanie and she is the girlfriend of another friend of mine. Well she has decided to set me up with this guy that she knows. His name is Jason and he is soon to be 17. He sounds nice because we have talked on the phone before, but I am not sure of what to do about it. We've talked twice on the phone and the second time he was kinda tired.

The ironic thing about Jason is that he was liked by this guy who liked me. I mean this kid Anthony was obsessed with him. Anthony would go to the place where Jason worked and go up to him in line and purchase something then would save the receipt on the wall. Anthony had many. I guess Jason didn't like him at all and told Anthony that he was straight. Well Anthony called and I couldn't wait to tell him I know it sounds mean and everything but Anthony is always telling me that every guy wants him and it was time for him to know that not every guy wants him!

That's it for this month. As usual write me if you want to question something or make a comment. My email is sleeve@frontiernet.net and my AIM screen name is odango566

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