December 1999

In 19 days my teenage years will be over!!! It is a scary thought! Responsibility, maturity, work, money, moving out, etc., are all thoughts that should invade my head right now ... But for some reason my thoughts are somewhere else. As I approach my 21st year of life I am happy to say that I am now an open "GAY" male! Sounds great doesn't it? And believe me it has been!

The whole process of coming out, to my close friends anyway, has been so great, I almost think it has been too good to be true! While it took some by surprise, some expected it and some ... Well let's just say it has somehow awaken their curiosity! Hahaha ...

So now what? I am out and free, I can be myself in front of my friends without fearing rejection or ridicule, I can openly comment on the gorgeous eyes on the guy at the mall! I have friends asking me for fashion tips, assuming that I am now an expert on the subject and while that may be true and I've managed to save friends from making the mistakes of wearing yellow or a black belt with brown shoes! I can't help but feel there's something missing.

But what could it be? Shouldn't I now be satisfied and happy? It's what I asked myself the night I visited a gay club for the first time; and as I stared at the happy couple kissing and smiling almost losing themselves in each other's eyes, something hit me! It was two males!!! I know what you are thinking right now: no shit Sebastian! It is a gay club after all!!! But the truth is, being always so used to just ignoring happy couples thinking I could never be like that with someone, the thought of finding that special person had somehow got lost in the back of my mind.

So now I have the chance to do that I thought! I can find someone who'll care for me and who'll hopefully make up for time loss (Hey one can hope, right?) a smile suddenly was drawn on my face as I walked around the club looking for that special guy! But I now realize I couldn't have picked a worst place to start my search. Talking to different guys and looking around I realized how sleazy the scene can be! Guys either wanted to stick their tongue down your throat, take you home, some even just wanted to go around the corner!

Now I am once again left wondering, how am I gonna meet that person? When am I gonna finally be able to have someone who I can double date with my friends? Who I can call when I am feeling down or who'll just call me to let me know they are thinking about me, like I often see in my friend's relationships.

I know I am happy to be out and I should take things slowly but I have been waiting for so long for this that it's almost impossible for me to think about anything else! I guess watching movies such as "Beautiful Thing" don't help much either ... watching two guys running and kissing each other experiencing love for the first time, I wonder if love is something that only happens in the movies or in very few couples.

So I am still young, "Play the field ... See what it's like ... Have fun" my friend tells me, "It's too early to be thinking about settling down" "Who needs commitment?" And although what he says makes a lot of sense, I am not sure if its what I want, I have been spending so many years being what I thought everyone else wanted me to be I am not about to continue doing it ... .

E-mail me: sebastian112@hotmail.com

Visit me: http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Castle/5335

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