I'm working on my rainbow blanket. I'm working on it from the back so idk what the front looks like. It shall be a surprise!!! It's all fleece and warm and yay! I decided that I was gonna learn how to quilt. Then again, I say that every time I make a blanket and this is the 5 th one I've made. So maybe I'll actually get it learned this time. Tomorrow is my girls' birthday. I'm soooo excited.

i had surgery on wednesday and now im in soooo much pain its horrible.
they cut into my neck and took something out and now it hurts soooo much . i wannna cry

I managed to get my mom to cooperate, and I now have a "doctor's appointment" at 2 P.M. tomorrow. Note the quotation marks. My plan to skip the dreaded pep rally has succeeded! Now if I can just skip the next 4 or so, I'll be all good. I'm sure they'd get suspicious if I suddenly had various health issues every time we had a pep rally, though.

Why do I hate pep rallies so much? Well, the ones at my school are insufferably lame. If you've sat through one, you've sat through them all. The gym has no air conditioner, and having the entire middle school and high school packed in there does not help things. I have absolutely no school spirit, and most of our cheerleaders aren't even that cute, anyway! There is, however, one thing that makes me want to avoid them like the plague. That, my friends, is the game. (Haha, I'm sorry!) No, not that game, the pep rally game. They always have a stupid game in which someone from each grade is randomly selected to have to play. There is no fate regarded as more horrifying than being picked for the game. If you are picked, you must go and embarrass yourself in front of the entire student body. Oh, yes. I've never been picked, but there is a first time for everything.

All I want is to be close to you. To know you, to be your friend, to go for long walks in the cold, holding hands to stay warm. To hold you, or to be held -I'm not sure how these things work, you see. All I've known are insecurities and false hopes.

...i think i'm going to kill someone. i pressed "preview" and the entire journal went kablooey.
jefffffff! d'you think you could do that thing that tumblr has where your post is automatically saved before posting? its no biggie, cus i usually copy&save my posts before i post 'em, but it'd be awesomee if you could.
graciass.

here'sashortsummaryofwhatiwrote...

i now love physics because T and i are lab partners. she makes me feel incredible, even though she's in love with someone else, and this is slowly killing me.

Nrgh. I just .. Spontaneously started like, BAWLING. I hardly cry.. I mean the only real time I've cried in the past two years... I can't remember. Today, a song came on the radio and I just broke down... I think I'm going to break soon. There's only so much friends can do to help... What I hate the most about this is why.

So the one girl I was fighting with (call her Holly) we made up right? Well, before all of that I had the biggest crush on Holly. Now, she is a very harsh person. She speaks her mind no matter what the consiquences are, and I knew that if we were to ever date that wouldn't change. So I talked myself out of crushing on her. Then Holly and I had our fight, and I said to myself that I was totally over her.

Of my non- straightness.
When I first started coming out to people, a few said they knew. (Well one person said they knew, and I asked if I gave off 'that vibe' and she said yes).

Now, over 10 months later, it turns out one of my now really close friends knew after going to 1 GSU meeting, which was one of my first. And even though it is Gay-Straight, she could still tell. And today she told me it was a nice try at cover.

I am ok with it, I just didn't know I put out that strong vibes. Or maybe they just have epic gaydar.

So yeah. Fun convo of the day!

today everyone had to stay in the classrooms because there were skunks roaming aroud one of the buildings. can you believe that? it's for real. well anyway it's raining here, and lute music is great to listen to right now. i'm very contented right now. these last few days have been very pleasent and mellow. oh how i cherrish days like these when everything goes the way i'd like them too. today i brought my classical guitar and jung out with some new people (musicians of course). gosh life right now is just fine, after all my life has not been this pleasent and calm in long time.

So that was pretty much the longest title ever. But I've got important stuff to say.

Finally got a date! WooHoo! For the sake of anonymity, like always, I'll call her Evy here. It seems my luck has changed, because she kind of just fell into my lap (not literally) when I wasn't expecting it; we met through a mutual friend. I haven't felt this way in a long time, like there are PopRocks inside my heart. I'm seeing her again tomorrow, can't bloody wait.

I just checked the PNS web site, and the times for PNS champs have been sped up! Like, a lot! It was about 20% qualifying rate last year, and now it's about 10%... I already had a time from last years standards, and was considered a shoo in for at least 3 others...

But, I've checked the qualifiers, and everyone I thought would make champs from my team is out. Alyssa's out, Chris's out, Eric's out, Emili's out.
Nicole, probably by far the fastest of that hot new fast 5 in our club, is still qualified in the 50 and 100 back.

Now his parents are using his mental well being as a bargaining chip for homrones. If they ever have any idea that any of that is happening, he doesn't get them. Period. Until he's 18.

(see my previous journal..)

SO

I got back from camp. Skunk was depressed. Like.. really depressed.. like.. he cut his chest while I was gone depressed. We got in our first argument depressed. Really, really depressed.

We hardly talked for a few days.. well, we did, but when we did it wasn't for long and it usually ended up on a depressed note.

OMG!!! There's a guy at my school who's bi and is actually cute! ^.^ The 14th won't suck!!!~~~ (even though he has a girlfriend at the time) Hey you can't beat good eye candy! ^.^

I think I'm going crazy.....again.
This time the culprit is RLS....also crushes.
To explain: I'm a bit of a control freak, not when it comes to what other people do, but when it comes to me; myself, my work (both academic and fun) my stuff. I simply cannot stand when I can't have some semblance of control over my thoughts (this is why I hate pain meds, and laughing gas) if I can't control what's inside my head, what can I control?