On Monday in debate class I read what was essentially an edited version of my last journal (The Gay Athlete's Anguish), adding a part about the fear of changing and showering with a gay teammate to replace any personal references, along with a part about how Americans are becoming more accepting of gays, except when it comes to sports.
When I finished there was silence. I mean I could hear the clock on the wall behind me ticking. Or was that my heartbeat?
So. I had a charming flashback yesterday.
Woman of broken glass, thus I declare myself; God as my witness.
Always I wish to see she who is kindly and decent and loving,
Yet I see still there is part of me staring at mirrors and seeing
someone who takes what she wants and does not look back; lies and abandons,
nary a care for the screams and the shrieks that are sounding so loudly.
Such is the life of a woman who stares at a mirror and sees a
maze of a thousand truths, faces, and voices obscuring her own truth.
This is the forest primeval! The deafening tones of the voices
screaming at me for the crimes that are indistinct in the twilight, so
shrouding my mind and destroying the things that I thought I once knew as
True and eternal; how foolish! How naive I was! I see now.
Woman of broken glass: thus I resign myself, God as my witness.
so i had an aukward encounter with someone last night it got me overly confused im lesbian i kno but im trying to determine if its a phase but honestly i feel amazing with females im attracted to but with males its like a comfort aspect im just a little puzzle on the situation all i want is a girl to call my own but i still seem to get in flings with guys i dont like the i hate relations with them i love females 99% 1%male im so puzzled by this i really am #confusion
Last night was atypical. I listened to some music, played some minecraft on my slate. But something felt off, I remembered one of my friends, he's off on training, a weekend warrior hehe. I then suddenly felt lonely, I just slumped to the side of my propped up pillow in my bed. I supposed he's ok, I'm just being silly.
Spring break has been a fucking disappointment so far for the most part. It's cool that I get to just play a ton of albums I haven't heard yet and get into a lot of music that I didn't really have the time for, and listen to album after album of entirely unexplored musicians without responsibilities, with occasional music store trips, but I've been kind of lonely and bored. Boredom just leads to somewhat disappointing series of lonely orgasms that just empty my soul of the motivation I had to ignore my problems.
hes gone again
Well, I don't think I mentioned this here, but my orchestra went to Costa Rica for a week over Spring Break.
I could give you some bullshit travelogue, but I know it wouldn't mean much to you if you weren't there. I'll stick to the important bits.
First, the country itself. It's a beautiful country. It was the first in the world to have no army for itself, established in 1949, and looking at the people, you can imagine why. I can't imagine those people in the military. They're too nice.
been crazy busy lately
giving a lecture
getting into performance art
modelling for magazines and art films
getting hired as editor for my school's undergraduate academic journal
networking and building contacts
i love performing and modelling
(independently/word-of-mouth for art-oriented projects, no commercial work, so i don't have the pressures of a commercial agency)
it's really helped me to overcome some of my feelings about my body
We had plans to walk around the lake this week, and now he isn reaponding to the texts I've sent. Now I'm just bored, disappointed, and lonely. There's absolutely nothing to do.
Cute Blonde Girl got hurt recently. Fractured something? I don't know. I'm not really sure what all the correct terminology is. She has to be on crutches for 6 weeks, and she's really miserable because the crutches hurt her arms and she is always too sore to do much of anything, so she's stuck inside a lot. That's particularly awful because spring is her favorite and the weather is finally starting to get nice, and she had really been looking forward to running outside. So she's pretty upset about it all. I went to Starbucks with her Thursday morning in between classes, and I got her a little get well present-- some jelly beans (her favorite) and a really cheesy card with a dog on it. I wrote something equally dumb in the card, and she loved it anyway, haha. She said she's putting it front and center on her bulletin board full of cards.
Quick update about this week.
I almost came out to some friend when we were talking about really personal stuff and mostly it was because she told me that she kinda got a crush on her coach, but when I had the guts to tell her some friend came and ruined our talk, since this thing I've been noticing how close we're getting.
you were the light bulb to my projector
the voice box to this whisper
but who would ever admit
that he/she misses
but yeah anyways i miss her
i cant think clear
amazing that i can bare
thoughts i cant share
well with the person that it matters w/
i use 2 flatter with
the thoughts i shared
"and the silence surrounds you
and holds you"
yeah i know i did
known as a pest
but just know you were my best
each day a slap in the face
my addiction a disgrace
at how no one can
i boast my sadness
with my eyes
This is something I originally was going to use for my Introduction To Debate class, but I think it'll be more suitable here.
I've been playing sports for my entire life, really for as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest baby pictures have footballs and baseballs as props, and I think being an athlete is in my blood. I've played on competitive teams since I was five, and being taller than the other boys has always been an advantage to me as is being a naturally fast runner.
I went walking in the woods yesterday and saw a massive blue Heron there, which was an amazing sight. It was probably the biggest bird I've ever seen.