Sleep O dear and distant child, sleep and hope for better things
to-morrow shall not come for years, time is death and hollow kings
yellow is the sky at night, green is she by day
sallow is the moon she lights, lost and worn away
Sleep O dear and distant child, dream of gods and Minotaur
yesterday is far away, i have dreamt of hell and gore
singing are the whales at night, howling at the sun
wailing are the strings by day, begging you to run
Sleep O dear and distant child, fear the passing day
mercy she so sorely lacks, fair though she be may
In my last journal I talked about meeting Josh and the kiss that made me see fireworks! Over the last few days our relationship has grown into boyfriend/boyfriend status, and as it's been before, the clock's ticking for my eventual departure.
I've met a number of boys (and a few girls too), gotten to know them quickly, and if it's cool with them, gone far real quick. I hope you know what I mean by that?
This might be just my perspective… but I strongly recommend to all Oasies™ this recently-published memoir by Jon Croteau: My Thinning Years: Starving the Gay Within. It is currently available (Amazon, I know) --- despite conflicting publication dates!
I don't know if I've written about this before, but I get to spend the last period of every school day looking at Hanet and just being in his general vicinity, which is really nice because he's definitely the prettiest guy in the school, if not the entire cosmic life. He's just right next to his girlfriend and I can't talk to him during the class, but I've been desensitized to both of those things for a while, so it's actually great. But because of this I have noticed that he's basically the girl in the relationship; he's that much more feminine than his girlfriend.
Mom and I started a new chapter in our lives, this time on the Atlantic coast of Florida. We've been near here before, so it's not entirely a new place, and for a change that's nice.
We're living in a high rise condo this time, and on Tuesday I met a boy my age named Josh, our Mom's actually work at the same hospital. He's cute, kind of girlish, and a bit overweight, which I like. The first time he had me over I found out he's Jewish, unless they have a Menorah on display as a artwork. I doubt that.
Why the fuck can't I just fucking kill myself and get this fucking shit over with? Why the fuck can't I just let the fuck go of these fucking assholes who make my life so fucking miserable and just fucking let myself fucking DIE? That's all I fucking want, I just want to die but I can't fucking kill myself because it would fucking hurt people. I don't WANT to care about this, I don't WANT to give a shit about their feelings, I want to fucking die and end this fucking piece of shit called my life.
I went to New York with my father again last weekend and stayed with his friends in Port Jeff, where we went on a boat to Fire Island. It was a beautiful place that inspired recollections of childhood vacations and distant scenes of Dutch beaches. I encountered a deer who came very close to me in exchange for a few Cheetos. They were probably very bad for the deer, but at least I got to meet it. It started getting cloudy, so we took the boat back in the rain and it felt like it nearly flipped at one point. I loved every part of it.
Today was an interesting day for me, good and a bit weird.
School's been back for a week now and I ran into Nick, one of my friends that I haven't seen since the last day of school a few months ago. He's one of the two friends that didn't respond back to me about the text mom send outing me and Colin.
Nick and I don't have any classes together and have different lunch times so we never really cross paths, and unfortunately it's the same with Colin too. At least we get to hang out before school and at Cross Country practice.
(First of all, this not having the journals on the sidebar is annoying me more and more. Now I have to go to a whole other page to see what the new journals, the life of the party, are.)
Well another day, another wasted 24 hours spent anguishing over where my life is going.
You probably have all seen the original video of 19-year-old Daniel Pierce being rejected and ejected from his home by his family.
Very troubling! Here is his story in a live interview with local TV:
It's already been a year since the time of long lasting genuine happyness and prosperity I enjoyed. I still hold onto my relationships and family even through the storms, we're all stronger for that in the end even if we don't see it at first. Things are continuing to change, I don't know how many times I mention change but it's something I need to live with.
Linden, I'm proud of YOU!
I've been busy since I last wrote on here, but now I finally have time to do a update that isn't rushed.
I think anyone who has been reading my journals knows my relationship with my mom is over, but part of me is hanging to to hope that there's something wrong with her that's causing her irrational behavior. I've talked to everyone in my family about this, and they all are shocked that I would even feel this way. Dad told me that's he's proud of me...and he's also told me that he doesn't want me to get hurt.