i'm too excited for this weekeeeeend, so i'll just let it out here. I don't know what to do until then, but i'll likely be bored. a friend stopped by my place and-a-gave me a baby agave. it feels like it's loosened up in the soil since then for some reason, but i'll try to take good care of it. he said that it's an agave azul, so it'll look cooler than that lawn ornament shit I see all over here. it's painful, though, and by the time it's fully grown I'm not sure where I'll put it. Also, I tried to get a driving permit but they wouldn't let me take the test so i'm doing it tomorrow
so anyway more and more i just wanna get high and get fucked. gimme some weed and a ton of condoms and a ton of horny guys with big uncut cocks and I'll suck them and fuck them and be a fucking slave, just get me my fucking weed and i'll do whatever the fuck you want because it's the only fucking cure i have for this fucking shit. just die fucking die go away get away get away get out of my fucking head get the fuck out get out get out get out get out fucking die leave me the fuck alone shut the fuck up fuck fuck fuck
I did a presentation at work today and I struggled so much. I went crazy red and my voice kept making mad noises.
I got home and kept going on about it to my girlfriend. Until she pointed out, the world does not revolve around me, and nobody else was still thinking about it, to let it go.
It's getting worse, not better. It's getting harder, not easier. The screaming gets worse and worse and I keep having these feelings that feel so foreign to me. Sometimes it's hard to remember that nobody else can hear it. Sometimes I can hardly hear myself speak over it. I've been good at not raising my voice to hear over it, but that's difficult. It's like trying to talk over music that is just too loud. But instead of music, it's more like I hear hell.
Everything's alright and sorted out. Yakow couldn't show up on Saturday because his sister's car broke down outside of Richmond on her way from college, so I'm walking around a local lake with him this Saturday, which is going to be seven miles of fun, and someone else is visiting on Sunday to make some of the musiks with me. I've started a really nice tribal beat dat i am ver proud of.
For my two friends, I would've liked at least one call back, at least one message. The least any of you could do for me was that. At least give me that, I never asked, but maybe I should have. I give and give, sometimes there isn't a thank you and that's ok. I look past that because you're a friend of mine.
"You are the guiding star of his existence." I wish I were more credulous of these things; instead this only reminds me of thoughts I'd rather not have on days like today. Images from last Friday multiply throughout the weekend. Their beauty makes me want the snow to stop coming. Those jagged golden spears look so gentle.
I don't know how to start with this, but yesterday was a really good day and it was because my class had planned going horseback riding plus a BBQ and we took advantage of that last week on women's day because we didn't do anything for them when the school gave us the time, but we had planned a surprise when we were at the BBQ. It was really good, but we had some problems with the owner until we solved them and went to a kinda bar (I can't find a way to traduce that word.
I'm tired. Tired as fuck. I've got a fucking migraine, and it won't go away. The screams are loud and I've been feeling a lovely urge to kill someone. That last one doesn't feel like me, but whatever. I keep fantasizing about various activities like slitting someone's throat, smashing someone's head with a sledgehammer, flaying someone alive... that sort of thing.
The more I try to face my memory head on, the more misery and hate I feel. When I think about it all, it's like the gates that keep all the rage start to weaken. It's not nice.
A smashing total of 0 people showed up to my birthday festival, so I had a massive celebration. Today was an unexpected success.
I am so unlucky I cannot even believe it!
I have never really been a depressed person, sometimes I get anxiety but fucking hell, I have been so depressed and down today! And this is why:
My dog got sick four weeks ago, and as she lives with my Dad in this remote town, I decided to fly up there to spend some time with her. The flights alone costed 1450 AUD! Which is a joke, to fly domestically I could have flown to L.A or London for that price!!
There are only two people who are definitely coming. But one of them is Yakow and the other is someone who is also very cool and loves everyone, so he'll be a lot of fun.
Yakow again asked me to sit with him at lunch, which I had to accept, so I haven't gone to my fourth period class all week. It went fine, but after a while I guess he got bored and started listening to music, so I just talked to his friend a bit and fucked with his iPad while he was doing stuff on it. I proposed that we go walking around a local lake that he lives near, an offer to which he excitedly replied.
Life is okay. It's been loud in my head, but then, it usually is. I'm a little bit tired but that's because I've been doing some work. My dog is happy and healthy and I love him. My boyfriend is healthy and usually happy and I love him more than I love my dog.
I've been talking more to the cute translady, and hopefully we'll get to meet sometime soon. It'll be nice to have somebody facefuck me. I am.... REALLY horny. Especially after the Boy tied me up, pushed me over the bathroom counter, whipped me, fucked me with a vibrator, then kicked me in the side when I fell over.
I didn't really speak to Yakow today. Aside from a few seconds of a quick chat that I got in before he lost interest and began talking to someone else who showed up out of nowhere. It seems like he's trying to avoid me for some reason, so I've been doing the same. I'll likely keep it up for the rest of the week, and if he shows up at my house on Saturday, that may change. If not, I guess my friendship with him is done. And I won't even know why. And I have nobody to give me company except Ween and my own mind, and neither of those are even around anymore.
Following a heated argument with my mother, I've decided to write a series of letters to her about my experience as a queer individual. If, or when, I choose to give them to her, I hope to resolve some of the disputes we've had over sexuality, gender, and identity, while fostering honest communication.
This letter is one of four. It's an introduction where I try to explain to my mother why I am the way I am, explaining larger concepts like heteronormativity and how they affected me as a young teenager, and continue to affect me today. It's got a lot of academic jargon - sorry. I promise the rest won't be like that, and won't be as long. And it's got
The second will relate the events recorded on an earlier Oasis account ('Magic Fantastic', for those who might still remember): coming out, what I now know to be sexual abuse, and its aftermath. The third letter is about summer 2012, the rave scene, pretending to belong. The fourth letter will be about my current relationship, overcoming addiction.
This is also a writing project specifically for Oasis. With the site closing later this year, I wanted to, at least once, give a full, honest, self-reflexive overview of my late teens and first year of twenty-dom which I've been sharing on this website, because I shared everything through (mostly bad) metaphors, and I feel like I owe it to you guys for all the support and confidence you all gave me in myself and my writing.
After these four texts, I'm going to leave with a last text about Oasis and why it's been important to me.. and maybe write a little bit about my friendship with Jeff, if he's okay with it, because I never shared anything on here about it, and he's been really important in my life. After that, I guess we'll all be 'leaving Oasis' for the last time... ;)