Why am I so afraid of something as stupid as people not liking me for who I am [gay]? I must just have a general fear of confrontation. I also keep obsessively labling myself like that. I need some reality. I wish I would just kick my own ass and act brave.
On a side note, soy products are good - I could get used to this.
Love & Peace,
~From a year a go~ February 2002
Life Without you... I was so scared today
I want to sheild you from everyone
I never want you to be hurt, I want to protect you
I wish I could wrap you in my arms and your pain would disolve
Why cant it be that simple?
I dont want you to leave me
I want you here With me
Your so beautiful, how can you hate yourslef
Without you, where would I be
I need you
It is so funny how someone can mean so much to you at one moment, and then in the next, you can't wait to get rid of them. heheh.
It's so hard in a world where people have such high expectations of what they want you to be and become.
If they knew I was bi I think their world wouldn't be quite the same, I don't know if they would treat me the same, or if it would make it all seem ok.
It's just as easy to let things be and pretend to be heterosexual. Well it is for me.
I went over to Tucker last night to watch a movie with my friends Joe, Adam, and Jenny. I dragged my roomie along. Somehow, at about 11:00 at night, we decided Quills would be a great movie to watch. Between me and Joe, we have the keys to the film library and to the theatre, so we watched it on the big screen... boy, do I regret it.
blAH! I'm going to go take a shower and get ready for work... Oooooh, Fuck Perkins... Well, Anyway... uhhhhh. I'll be backkk. :) ... Hmm...
I couldn't sleep last night,
Or maybe I did;
All I know is that we danced in my dreams...
And I dreamt that what you said was true,
My heart began to pound.
But I woke with a start, at 9 A.M....
Just the day before...
You called me at 9:45...
You woke me and apologized...
I didn't care.
And so I actually beckon you to call,
And my phone remains silent.
Though in my head is a cacophony,
i don't have muhc to say today. nothing happened todzay cuz im such a loser...lol. one of my friends just figured out that i look like gordo from lizzie mcguire...god she's such a dimwit...that's my nickname.
Damn what a nice day today was. In fact, the last couple days have been quite nice. Did I mention its February in Portland, OR? Not that I am complaining or anything. :)
So im sitting here in my chair blanking out at the computer screen... This is the first saturday night I've spent to myself in a very long time... I only want to be with him... But god knows where he is... And I'm sitting here, and I don't know how much longer I can hold back my tears. I haven't allowed myself to cry in such a long time, but what other option do I have? I'll spend all night thinking about him and when he told me that he wanted me. It seems that that is no longer applicable when my appearance has finally reached out to him. So I'll continue on tonight, waiting for some sing of life to come to my direction... And I'll jump with each sound of opening doors, just to further dissapoint myself... When you come on, I'll be here...
What the hell is this shit
Whos hand is this
Where did the skin come from
Why is it connected to me
Blind, the walls, stare
Floating, lost, dead
It isnt mine
Voices, Voices.. no im not making them up
I see the people, the people talking
I can see everything
And hear, I can hear the laughing
No feeling...Im moving... im walking
blindly... i cant fucking feel myself moving
Well, considering that it's happening right now, i felt it was most appropriate to write about it. So this guys tells me that he wants to do stuff with me, and I'm all for that considering im not generally persued. Well, right now, one of my best friends, Kelly, is practically fucking him. So in response to this im just going to pretend like nothing is going on. Because honestly, I'm really pretty fucking sick of being the transportation for people, and being in the room while they are fucking and I have to pretend like it isnt happening.