I really hate college. The teachers practically just spout series of random words and numbers, expecting me to keep up. I want to scream and leave. Shortly after leaving, I would get tons of tattoos and go into the adult entertainment industry. Yes, porn. At least I can get paid for having a big butt in that industry. I'm skinny enough for fashion modeling, but not tall enough, so I think porn modeling shall do.
As I mentioned, I had plans with Cute Blonde Girl this morning. I had to wake up really early. Like, I don't think I've EVER woken up that early on a Sunday. But I didn't even care. I was like ultra nervous, though. I was running around trying to get ready without waking up my roommate, and I ran into my RA in the hall and it was really awkward and I was scared he was totally judging me because who gets up at 7 on a Sunday morning? I put on legit makeup and everything, even though I'm often too lazy to do much more than mascara and lip gloss.
Just now I dreamt that a dog (that I remember being somewhat close to, but not very much) had died and a friend and I had to escort its soul to the land of the dead.
This isn't going to be easy for me to write, but I think I'm finally ready to start telling my story. Thanks to Dante and the other Rejects for giving me the encouragement to do this. Without them I'd be completely lost.
Trans. A simple word. Yet it defines me and scares the living shit out of me at the same time. It also comforts me, giving definition to what I am and what I need to be. This isn't a choice or a whim, this is reality.
I did it! I finally did it! I told total strangers what I am! I'm so happy that I am about to cry, and I've done a lots of crying over this!
I wrote in the introduction that we might say some things that could shock or offend some people, so don't get mad at me if that happens.
As a group we have many secrets, and being gay is the common thread we share. I have secrets too, but these are kept in a more secure place.
I was in Cuba for some reason in this dream. I couldn't understand anyone, but for an unknown reason the government locked me in a prison with a relatively small group of strangers and forced us to stay there for a night. There was a younger woman among us. The rest of the group brought me into a room full of solitary confinement chambers, and locked the woman out on her own, who seemed terrified, screaming at us. The Cuban strangers I was with quickly grouped up in the chambers and locked themselves behind the heavy metal doors.
Life just went crazy all of a sudden. OMFG.
I have an interview at the fire station next week, which means that I am one step closer to being a volunteer firefighter alongside Edwin.
An old high school crush has revealed an interest for me, and I am kinda really falling for him. (I have an open relationship with Edwin, by the by).
I turn twenty on the 24th!!! I'm getting old.
In a few weeks I'm going to buy this Chrysler 5th Avenue I've had my eye on for the past month or so and then I'll be getting my actual license on Oct. 17.
This obviously wasn't meant for the website, really, but if you're bored enough to care about my week, here you go.
Guess what CD finally came in the mail!
*inspired by Richard Siken's poetry
Daybreak was smeared across
the upstairs window like
frosting on a week old cake.
I woke up with the feel of
your august fingers on my temples,
rubbing circles the way
you used to do when I was nervous.
It was comforting then
but now it haunts me.
Jamie, I'm mad at myself
for dreaming of ghosts
and maroon sweaters.
It only means that I'm dwelling on this,
on the shadow that you left behind,
living inside its cold attic chest,
breathing out stale carnations
through silvery lungs.
I miss you, Jamie.
I miss the iron butterflies
I, Super Duck, queen of social awkwardness, am possibly/probably/hopefully hanging out with the girl I like this weekend. Wait... What's that noise? The sound of all of your jaws collectively hitting the floor in shock? Yeah, I'm pretty shocked too. It's just coffee, and I don't even know if it's a "date" or not, so I'm hesitant to call it that.
but failures always sounded better, let's fuck it up boys, make some noise!
Salutations, my friends. You may remember me, I forget how long it's been since I've been here and don't really care enough to check...
Anyway, I'll just do a quick run through of the haps, what I've been doing since summer:
-Went to Indonesia over the summer. It may sound fun, but my parents chose the old-person bus tour, which essentially means it's America, only with better food, warmer climate, and interesting animals. Still fun, but really, it was ruined by the setup.
I know I shouldn't be writing this, but I'm bored so why the fuck not. That's a weird problem I've been facing lately, by the way. An abundance of free time. Time management is a whole new game in college, it seems. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I have Human Rights and Ways of Reading. Human Rights is an examination of social issues around the world, from LGBT rights in Russia to the political crisis in Syria, which seems pretty neat. Ways of Reading is all about literary criticism and different methods of analyzing literature, which seems okay, I guess.
Not sure what to do with life.
Studying the wrong things. Caring about the wrong things. Not sure what to do.
Keep politics to myself.
Never tell your best friend you have a crush on them.
Do the dishes.
Stick with the people that love you the most because you shouldn't trust anyone else.
New Oneohtrix Point Never album, R Plus Seven, is coming out at the end of the month: