Following a heated argument with my mother, I've decided to write a series of letters to her about my experience as a queer individual. If, or when, I choose to give them to her, I hope to resolve some of the disputes we've had over sexuality, gender, and identity, while fostering honest communication.
This letter is one of four. It's an introduction where I try to explain to my mother why I am the way I am, explaining larger concepts like heteronormativity and how they affected me as a young teenager, and continue to affect me today. It's got a lot of academic jargon - sorry. I promise the rest won't be like that, and won't be as long. And it's got
The second will relate the events recorded on an earlier Oasis account ('Magic Fantastic', for those who might still remember): coming out, what I now know to be sexual abuse, and its aftermath. The third letter is about summer 2012, the rave scene, pretending to belong. The fourth letter will be about my current relationship, overcoming addiction.
This is also a writing project specifically for Oasis. With the site closing later this year, I wanted to, at least once, give a full, honest, self-reflexive overview of my late teens and first year of twenty-dom which I've been sharing on this website, because I shared everything through (mostly bad) metaphors, and I feel like I owe it to you guys for all the support and confidence you all gave me in myself and my writing.
After these four texts, I'm going to leave with a last text about Oasis and why it's been important to me.. and maybe write a little bit about my friendship with Jeff, if he's okay with it, because I never shared anything on here about it, and he's been really important in my life. After that, I guess we'll all be 'leaving Oasis' for the last time... ;)
Since ykw couldn't really sit with his ex girlfriend at lunch today, he, without much effort, convinced me to skip the period and sit across from him. So today was the first time we spent over a half hour together all year. And it was nice. I got to have about 50 minutes of admiration, and we had a great time, which made me happy.
The only thing that happened last weekend was getting ripped off on an Aphex Twin bootleg for $25. I shouldn't have trusted a business to actually be trustworthy, especially with a musician nobody in the US even knows any more.
I fell in love with her ever since i met her in college. I tried to tell her so many times but i was so scared so i tried to turn this love into a friendship thing. And i thought i did. After college, i heard she had some serious relationships but nothing flourished, then, she went to on the other side of the world to work. I never got the chance to see her again but she sends me casual emails and private messages from time to time, she said just to keep in touch. I don't want to answer her... i don't want to keep in touch. I don't want to remember her.
You-know-who finally told me about his girlfriend, for the first time ever. And the reason he told me this is because he broke up with her today. So this has lightened my mood even more than all my time with him yesterday did. We've been talking more and getting increasingly closer. He's even coming over to my place on my birthday. I've also been talking a bit with one of his friends and getting along pretty well.
I am very smart and very pretty and I should not leave myself logged in on my boyfriend's computer, especially when he is six hours away and can get up to mischief without me seeing :)
plot twist: i now live in a 2-story penthouse loft lol
Last night I got high as hell. It felt very, very good, and quieted the screams down nicely. They're back now that I'm sober, of course, but I had a beautifully quiet night, with nary a nightmare to be found. Speaking of screams, ZeeBoy wants me to name them (collectively, I suppose) Rachel. I suppose Rachel is the name Legion took when they transitioned?
HERE NOW BOIS SEE HERE. WE CAN'T GO WHALING BECAUSE THE WHALES ALL ASCENDED TO HEAVEN! I VOTE WE BUSY OURSELVES WITH THE MONOLITHIC COUNTRY OF AFRICA. HEAR HEAR!
Short, Sweet & Snappy.
1. Pass ALL subjects at uni. (Going to work my ass off, owe it to MYSELF.)
2. Get abs for Europe in June.
3. Stay tanned.
I have so many things to say, but I don't know like where to start, everything in my head is a big mess right now, and being sleepy doesn't help at all.
maybe we could get married under a streetlight in heaven & see if all the angels in heaven will burn when we kiss, but i'd fall in and out of love with you before the traffic light changed colors: tonight i kneeled before my bed and said our father in french and said thank you for everything and please keep helping it's 2:03am and i'm alone again, i know i wanted this, i didn't want to be the one he couldn't keep warm anymore and i'm sorry for still being so cold
It's kind of interesting:
I asked my parents for a goPro for Christmas, it was my only real gift. I don't know why I wanted one. I'm not really one of those people always posting videos of their exploits to see if they can't get a tiny round of thumbs-up applause.
I guess I had some sort of weird idea: I thought about the things I'd so much like to do when I grow up. I have so many weird and remote isolated mountains on my bucket list.
The GM-Hope-MasterForce-Thief-polystyrenegenerator-gman urged me to meet him at a specific location today, and then was absent. It seemed that he had disappeared for the rest of the day without warning, leaving me to burn out the lights of the sunless corner of sublime elusiveness with no foam trayholder.The only times I even got to talk to him were either really short or he was talking to a bunch of other people and we didn't even have a real conversation. Why he didn't give me any warning is a mystery, but what a fucking way to end the week.
Conversations with Gman always put me in an unmanageably good mood when I get home, and I don't know what to do when I'm this happy but also this bored.
February started off all wrong. One day about three weeks ago, Cute Blonde Girl and I went to a coffee place off campus, and everything was fine until I left. She stayed behind to catch up on a little bit of homework, but on my way back, I just... I don't know, I totally lost it. Out of nowhere. I don't even know where it came from, or what it was, but I just had this ridiculous freakout. Sobbing uncontrollably on the street and everything. It wasn't her fault or anything, I didn't even talk to her (or much of anyone else except a call home for my sister's birthday) for several days afterwards. After the week was up, I started to ease back into my normal life, but now, even weeks later, everything is just so horribly wrong.
I'm 19--turning 20 this year, even--and I honestly feel far more awkward and uncomfortable with myself than I did at 15. (God, just typing "turning 20 this year" made my stomach lurch. At least I have until November.)
Perhaps from the beginning it was destined to fail; He was a drug dealer and I was a church-goer.
However I believe for me or anyone to label him as a bad person as the cause of the failure of a relationship would indeed be a misconception as it simply it is untrue. Jake is an amazing person.