First of all: thanks tons and tons to everyone who commented on my last post - you made me feel a lot better. =-)
Now, this really has nothing to do with sexuality or anything, but if anyone could help me, I would appreciate it soooo much. My homework. There's an algebra problem and I can't remember how to do it, and I'm soo stuck. The problem is 4x-3y=12 but it says what's the value of x if y = 6?
The first day back at school and some of my "friends" are already trying to label me. I almost screamed! We were in the hallway during lunch and Amanda told me she came out to her parents and told them she's bi and we were talking about that, and she asked me if I was a lesbian. And I was being goofy and I made the whole angel face and said "maybe.." and my other "friend" goes "oh, please, don't even SAY you are a lesbian, you are NOT. you are bi and you know it. you haven't even had SEX yet." I was SO offended. I said, "yes, i am gay, and sex doesn't have anything to do with it." and she's like "yes, it does. you can't know you're gay or not until you've had sex." I was like, JESUS!!! Okay, so I guess all those 12 year olds coming out as gay have had sex? GROW UP. Who is she to tell ME what MY sexuality is?!?! It's not up to me, and I'm guessing that means that it's not up to HER either. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. GRR GRR GRR. So I think I'll sit in another part of the halls with Charlotte from now on. I don't want to be around people who feel they have the right to tell me who I am.
Even though I feel I've been losing faith in writing, I layed down on my bed last night and wrote for well over an hour. I'm going to give my past the attention it really deserves from me and tell my story in an autobiography type thing. I want to title it, and I think that I'm going to have different "chapters". I want to call the first one Monster in The Closet. That name seemed to jump out at me. The monster I'm referring to is my father. Saying it's in the closet, is kind of showing (to me, personally) that there was a lot of abuse that went on behind closed doors. That, and though some people saw that he wasn't in a good mood (that's what they probably thought, anyway) in public, no one really knew what it was like at home. So that title just fit perfectly for me.
The last thing I say to my mom always has to be "I love you." Whether it's before she leaves home, or before I go to bed at night. I've got this constant paranoia that something bad might happen to her and in case it does, I want to leave things on a good note, letting her know that I love her. I can't stand this feeling, because I know that if I go to bed for the night, there is basically no chance whatsoever that something bad will happen to her. I don't know what to do to make this paranoid feeling go away.
I saw Brittany (I have no idea how she spells her name) in the mall today with one of her friends. That started me thinking about the car accident again. She looks fine phsyically, which is great, I just hope that she's doing okay mentally. I think maybe part of why I get upset thinking about the whole thing, is that I never got to know Mack. We went to school together our whole lives, but we were part of different crowds, and never really knew each other that well. I don't know exactly how to explain it. It's just a huge, tragic loss, no matter how you look at it. I don't want to think about it, but I guess it's going to take a while for it not to be in the front of my mind all the time. Since he died, I've been wanting more to get along with everyone around me (despite my negative mood swings), because now I realize that the person I love most could be taken away from me at any second. And that scares the shit out of me.
I heart Tom Felton.
And porcupine balls (no, not porcupine testicles..)
And diet pepsi.
God, this is terrible. I think about my ex boyfriend once in a while and there's things about him that I really really miss. I hate him. How can you miss someone who fucked with your head so much? How can you miss someone you hate? How can you still care about someone you hate? Damn him! I'm fighting the urge to add him to my buddy list.. I'm NOT going to be a total moron and IM him. Grr. He's such an asshole. He hates me. And I don't care. So why do I miss him?
So, we didn't get my permit today. Because my dad is a prick and won't let me hold onto my passport. He insists that if we kept in mom's house, it would get lost, and he'd rather spend the money (that he "doesn't have", might I add) overnighting it to us than let us have it here so that I can get things done. Fuck that. It's no more likely to get lost here than at HIS house. We have to get a social security card for me, too, because we only have my number written down on a piece of paper right now. Urgh.
I hate life. Life is pointless. I don't care what anyone says. I have my reasons.
I especially hate my older sisters today; I have the incredible urge to do something mean and evil to them.
I fucking hate whoever is setting up fraudulant charities during this crisis. The greedy bastards can burn in hell.
I hate this school and I'd rather die than go back to that hell on Tuesday.
I keep hearing about more people that I know/used to know who are my age and pregnant. And what blows my mind is that they're actually excited and happy about it. I'm not saying they shouldn't, but they don't GET it. This will change their lives FOREVER. And not necessarily in a good way. They think it's going to be so much fun and all that good stuff, but it's not going to be fun for quite a while. It makes me want to rip my hair out when people my age get all happy about this. And only because my older sister went through it and I had to go through it in a way, too, because it had a huge impact on my life as well. And these people don't know what it's like and it drives me insane! Me, and these people my age, we're all just kids! KIDS! Kids have kids! Children having children. Babies having babies! Gah!!!!!!
Yay! Tomorrow is my birthday! I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep tonight, then I'll end up sleeping all day tomorrow. I'd never forgive myself. EVER. I haven't been able to sleep at all lately... I layed in bed trying to fall asleep last night for hours. Urgh. My best friend is coming over when she gets off of work tomorrow and spending the night, then we're going to the fair all day on Friday. Plans changed. We picked up my copy of Nintendogs yesterday...but I can't play it until tomorrow, of course. I might've gotten Harvest Moon: More Friends of Mineral Town, too. I have Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town. I just wanna play Nintendogs!!
Thanks so much to everyone who commented on my recent post. You all made me feel much better. =)
I'm definitely feeling motivated right now to look at the positive side of things.
Well, today my mom, my little sister and I went out because we were all tired of sitting around the house. The door was shut tight when we left. We don't usually lock the door. No, that's probably not the wisest thing to do, but we've never had any trouble or anything. But since my older sister broke up with her boyfriend we've been locking our door because he was harassing my sister and we believe he even got into our car one day because everything was moved around. So we've been locking the door lately. I guess today we forgot, but when we got home our dog came running towards the car all happy because he was outside without a leash. The door was also ajar. So, either he somehow managed to open the door or it could have possibly been my sister's ex. I doubt that it was. I know some animals (I've seen it done right in front of me before) can learn to open doors, but I honestly can't see our dog ever figuring out how to open the door. I'm not too worried, but it just irks me that there's still the possibility of my sister's ex coming around. We all want him to go away. Grr. He's such a dumbass...we'll be in Ithaca, and somehow this only happens when my sister is having a bad day, and he'll show up right behind our car or in the next lane and he'll drive off revving his engine really loud. Frustrating!
Ha...ha. My step-mom just asked me if I had summer school this year. I said no. She said "good for you." What she doesn't know is I was supposed to have summer school this year. I just didn't go. Shows how involved in my life my dad is...
He doesn't deserve to know that I like girls.
She's asking if we've gone school shopping yet. Does she not realize that you need money in order to
Every summer, before school starts up again, I find myself hoping that there will be a lesbian in my grade who moved here over the summer or something. And every year I'm disappointed. Every summer I tell myself I'll lose at least a few pounds just so that I can go back to school feeling somewhat confident. And every year I'm disappointed.
I got my hair cut today. The woman who cut it told me a way of managing my hair that's really easy and that'll make my hair look really nice. She showed me how to do it when she was finished cutting my hair. I like it. I also bought three shirts. One was specificially meant to go with a black skirt I just bought, but of course, it doesn't fit me. And it was the biggest size they had in the clearance section. It's also "perfect fit" which I hate...I can't stand clothes that cling. Probably because I think I'm too fat. So that's just one more thing to push me into the gutter.
Well, supposedly Britney is paralyzed. I haven't heard anything to confirm it, but that's what word is around town. I hope to God that if she really is, it's only temporary. And if it isn't, hopefully it's not full body paralyzation.
Calling hours are on Thursday. Obviously I'm not going to the funeral, because that needs to be private for Mack's family and friends. There is a memorial service, though, on Friday at 10am in the hs auditorium. I might go for that. It would be appropriate to, I think, to show support to his family and friends.
From the newspaper:
TOWN OF COVERT - One Trumansburg High School student was killed and two others were injured Saturday in a one-vehicle accident on West Covert Road in Covert, Seneca County.
Seneca County Sheriff's deputies said that at around 3:45 p.m. Britney O. Pinette, 17, of 2247 Wilkins Road in Lodi traveled off the south side of the road, struck a tree and overturned. Seneca County Sheriff's deputies and Trumansburg firefighters responded to the scene.