You wouldn't think someone would spill it like that. A girl from school IMd me and said, "what do you know about the accident involving mack?" I said, "nothing? what happened??" and she just said, "he died." I dunno, couldn't she have said it in a nicer way? Like "he was in a car accident and he didn't make it" or something? I wasn't friends with him, we didn't talk, but he was in my grade and I've gone to school with him my whole life. It happened last night. The driver of the car he was in lost control and the car wrapped around a tree, and he was on the side of the car that hit the tree. Two other people in my grade were in the car with him also. One is in the hospital and as far as I know the other one is okay. I'm all shaken up...people don't usually say that someone died and talk about it casually as if it's not a big deal. It infuriates me that this girl has no respect whatsoever for anyone but herself. God, this is so terrible. This shouldn't have happened to him. He was too young. I don't know what to think, what to do. I wish there was something I could do.
So much for coming out to my little sister. I thought I was getting closer to the door of my closet, when in fact I stepped farther into it.
Mom, my little sister B and I were sitting outside playing Boggle. I was talking about my friend M and my friend/his boyfriend A. I said something like "No, M wasn't stoned and neither was his boyfriend." We were talking about how my brother's friend was stoned, but I was confusing my brother M with my friend M and we were each talking about a different M. And I said that M had a boyfriend and my little sister immedeatly said "ew." This blew my mind because almost all through the school year, when we were walking home, she would tell me about how she had asked her friend if she thought it was gross for someone to be gay and her friend had said yes so my sister had told her "It's only natural." And now she's saying it's disgusting?? WTF? I really don't want to have to deal with my little sister ripping on me for liking girls, so I guess I really shouldn't tell her yet.
He said he'd get me a PSP for my birthday. He also said that he'd get me the next few books in the A.S. series, but not for a birthday present. Just something he'd buy me now. Now he's saying that he's going to get some books right away, but that "we'll have to put off the PSP for just a little bit because I need to get things sorted out." I emailed him back and asked if I'd get my PSP before school starts.
=) I have a pic of my ring on the net. Go to www.myspace.com/hazelhope. It's a crappy pic, but I will get a better one soon. I also have a new pic of me - I'm with my cat. So, if anyone's bored enough to look, that's where to go. I heart my ring. Woot!
My sister's ex is obsessed. He won't stop harassing her, though he's done it indirectly since we called the police so we can't press charges. We could've before, but my mom and sister decided to give him a warning instead. Today he drove past where my sister took her road test and was revving his engine. He drove past twice, and it was clear that he was extremely pissed. That just blew my mind. It clearly showed that he's obsessed because the datre for her road test was set months ago, and if he wasn't obsessed, he wouldn't have been waiting to follow her there for months. He also called my oldest sister claiming that he "thought K would like to know" that he's moving to Iraq. What a fucking moron. He's not moving to Iraq, and no, she wouldn't give a shit if he did. Then he called my sister's friend and said that he had bought a gun and that it was "for D", who is my sister's friend. He doesn't have a gun. This is yet another thing that shows how obsessed he is. Threatening to kill my sister's friend? He's acting like she is an object..a possession..not a person with rights. He even went into the police station and started screaming at the officer who is helping my sister with the whole situation. The officer said "he swore at me left and right." My mom asked what he was angry about and he said "he was just angry. angry at the world." He needs to get it through his thick fucking head that my sister is a human being. He does not own her. She does not belong to him. She has moved on, and he needs to leave us the fuck alone. My mom is worried because he is so angry lately. Worried that he'll come to our house. My mom thinks it might be a good thing that D is here all the time, just in case he does come to our house. But, if he's already angry, especially that D is hanging out with Katie, wouldn't it make him even angrier to see D at our house? But I have to admit, even though it drives me crazy that D is here ALL the time, I do feel a bit safer knowing that he would protect us. I didn't feel this way until this morning, when my mom was telling me about all the stuff that my sister's ex has been doing. D wouldn't ever let anything happen to my sister, and I know that he wouldn't let her ex harm me or the rest of my family, either. He's a good guy. I do have some issues with him, though, and I still don't want him here all day every day. It's just annoying. Grrr. My oldest sister, my mom, and I were talking about him this afternoon and I heard some things that I hadn't known about before. One thing, I think my mom told me a long time ago, was that once in the middle of the night, she saw my sister's ex standing in her bedroom doorway just looking at her. He didn't know she was awake. She moved and he immedeatly went downstairs. Think that makes him sound like a creep? This next one will make you think that even more. At 2 or 3 in the morning one time, he walked in on my oldest sister having sex, claiming that he was looking for his glasses. At 2 OR 3 IN THE MORNING. PERVERT. PERVERT. If that doesn't scream PERVERT, I don't know what does. He also walked in on my brother (this is what happened that made my brother despise him. He still gets frighteningly pissed off if it's brought up around him) when my brother was naked and about to get in the shower. He asked my brother if he needed help with anything. WTF? My brother doesn't know about what's been going on lately, or he most likely would've kicked the shit out of him. My mom doesn't want us saying anything to my brother because if he finds out, gets pissed, and does something, he'll be the one paying for it in the end. But I know that he'd scare the fuck out of my sister's ex if it needed to be done. God, I just wish this guy would disappear already. He's so fucked up it's not even funny. I wish he would get the fucking hint and leave us alone. I've even been hoping that he will call our house so that we can just have him arrested and get it over with. Ugh.
Grassroots was, though I kind of hate to admit it, awesome. My best friend and I got dropped off at the grocery store that's right down the road from the fair grounds. There were some shops from Grassroots set up by the road so we looked. I bought a big blanket thingy to hang on the wall above my bed...but I only got it because it's rainbow tye dye. Woot! It's really pretty and it was only 12 dollars, which isn't bad at all for how gorgeous it is. =) I also got some incents. It was 4 dollars for a burning tray and 40 sticks. It's "Oceans" scented. So we bought our bracelets to get into Grassroots, and we walked around looking at all the other shops set up inside. My friend got a henna tattoo on her arm, it's really nice. We had about an hour left to waste until the Sons of Pitches arrived for their concert. I found a ring that I loved, and before we left I ended up getting it. It's silver with a GORGEOUS stone thing in it. I'll have to take a picture and post it on the web, because I can't really describe it. It was expensive, but worth it.
Alright, lots of little posts today, I guess...
Anywho. I'm feeling some anxiety coming on about tomorrow. Everyone's going to be dancing, but I really don't dance. I never dance at school dances, so I usually don't go. But I already feel like an idiot because I don't want to end up looking like an idiot and just standing there while my friends are dancing. Urgh, I dunno what to do. Gah, and one of my friends that's going will try to force me to dance...he always does.
The past couple of days, I have been playing around with writing songs. I'm not getting it, though... Do you need a tune in order to write a song or can you write a song and then figure out a tune for it?
My Mom is really depressed, and I don't know why. Which bugs me. I'm worried about her. She's also very irritable and snappy. I asked her earlier if she was okay and she got all mad at me. Her mood leaves me all alone because I have no one else I can talk to right now. She says I can talk to her. But. My older sister's friend (who is a guy) has been sleeping at our house, and in the same bed as my sister, for over 2 weeks now. First of all, he doesn't like gay people and occassionally says some things that I don't appreciate. Second, they are sleeping on the futon in the family room. This is where the TV is and the only place I can play DDR. DDR is my means of exercising and when they sleep in there ALL day every day, I have no way of playing DDR (I refuse to play in front of anyone). Third, his being in our house constantly makes me very uncomfortable because it has been only females living in our house for over 5 years now. And fourth, he is eating using my Mom's money. We barely have enough money to feed my little sister and I, but now he has to come along and mooch off of my mother as well. He has his own place. He has his own car. He has friends. He needs to get the (excuse my language) fuck out of our house. He seems to think that he lives here, and has become comfortable enough to be rude to me a few times. Now, my older sister is supportive of my sexuality. She even told him "we don't use that word in this house" when said "fag" once. Yet when I'm right next to her and she's talking to him, she will say that something is "gay." She knows that it's offensive to me. I'm losing my mind, and I don't know what to do because I can't talk to my Mom about this. Whenever I say anything about it, even if I don't want to start a conversation about it, my Mom will get all pissed off at me and say, "I don't want to talk about this right now." When we decided that it was time I got off of my meds, she said she would be there for me if I needed to talk. I REALLY need to talk about this, it's really bugging me, but she refuses to talk to me about it. She won't really let me talk to her about anything. She just gets mad and assumes that I'm going to start yelling about it. When I just want to have a calm conversation with her. I have no one else to go to, and it feels like she's pushing me away. I don't know what to do. I've expressed this concern to her, and she just says, "I always talk when you need to." BULLSHIT. I cannot STAND being angry with her, either! HELP!! My Mom has talked to my sister several times about her friend sleeping here all the time, but she will not listen. I feel the incredible urge to slap her very VERY hard across the face. It's a disgusting urge to have..she's my SISTER. I'm also worried about her. She comes home drunk a lot, and her friend as well, which scares the fuck out of me because drunk driving is so dangerous. I talked to her friend about it one night, and he said, "Nah, it's okay. As soon as I get behind the wheel I'm sober." I said, "Well you're going to get into a car crash." His reply? "Not with your sister in the car." What the fuck does he mean NOT WITH MY SISTER IN THE CAR. EXCUSE ME!!!!!!! When you're drunk, YOU ARE DRUNK. YOU DO NOT DRIVE WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK. YOU DO NOT DRIVE WITH MY SISTER IN THE CAR WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK. NOT MATTER HOW SOBER YOU THINK YOU ARE. He is such a fucking MORON. He is so fucking FULL of himself. How DARE HE think he is sober enough to drive with my sister in the car. If he really truly gave a shit about her life, he would not drive at all after drinking. That's not all that's worrying me, either. My Mom said that when I get older I have to be careful because alcoholism is on my Dad's side of the family. And my sister goes out drinking all night. I'm scared to death that she's going to end up an alcoholic. I do not want to see her like that. I don't want her to depend on alcohol. It makes me sick to my stomach seeing her drunk. She's 21 years old. Why is she so IRRESPONSIBLE?! I'm falling to pieces because there's not a god damn thing I can do about any of this.
I've been unhappy with my body lately. I try not to think about it that much, but who doesn't pay attention to their weight? I think I have a positive attitude for the most part. It's not something that completely puts me down, but I still think that I could look a lot better. My biggest issue is my lower stomach/abdomen. Because it's not flat. I feel gross just writing this. I really want it to be flat.
What if your life was like a song? Even your pain would be beautiful...
I love my mommy so much. She and I were in the car, on the way home, and I was talking about acting. I told her that I think it would be fun to get into acting and do voices for cartoon movies and be in film. Our conversation went like this:
Me - "Mom, do you think that's a stupid idea?"
Mom - "What?"
Me - "Acting."
Mom - "No, of course not. You try whatever you need to."
Me - "You would support me if I wanted to get into acting?"
I despise Grassroots. People park in my front yard, put beer bottles in our mailbox, and last year golf balls kept hitting our house because someone decided (I will never understand why) to throw them from the woods without knowing where they would go while screaming "COCK FIGHT!!!!" But I have to admit, my love for the local band the Sons of Pitches has made it possible for my best friend to talk me into going on Sunday. (Eric *drool*) I have no money and told my friend that and she said that she's making me go whether I have money or not. So, Eric here I come! (She's paying for me which I feel really bad about but she insists. I will pay her back when I get the money.)
The wind carried your notes to my ears
and drawn from my heart were the tears.
Your song stole the strength from my knees
and gravity forced me to the ground.
I lay silently crying,
listening to your beautiful sound.
My friend B called today from Rhode Island and said that she saw Thom from Queer Eye at a restaurant. =D Kick butt. But Carson is my favorite.
My blisters are starting to go away and I don't hurt nearly as much. Mom got me some Pure Aloe gel which really helped.
The new Harry Potter book is really good so far...I'm almost to chapter 6, and am very excited about some of the things that will be appearing in this book. I can't wait for the 4th movie to come out...I like the new director a lot better. I thought the 3rd movie was AWESOME, especially compared to the first two. Woot for the new director!