I just wanted you all to know that I'm trying to get back up to speed as quickly as I can. Unfortunately though (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), whenever any of you are hurting, it makes me hurt too (no, not just sympathize...I mean really hurt), and right now my threshhold of pain is still somewhat lower than normal. So I'm going to log off and take the rest of today to just decompress a bit and reset my breakers (to use two entirely unrelated metaphors). I'll be back before I go to bed to check what's happening.
I got home rather late last night...much later than I had intended. By the time I could shoo away my three friends, who were understandably a bit reluctant to leave, I was totally wiped out, and I wanted to wait until my head was more clear before I talked to you guys. Thank you all so much for the outpouring of concern. I did "ghost" in and read all of your posts. Made me blubber a bit, I must confess, but it was nice to have so much love and support welcoming me home. I apologize to you all for putting you through this, and I hope that you will forgive me. Just remember, it's also okay to be angry at me about this. It was a stupid and selfish thing to do, and something I try really hard to prevent any of you from trying. So if any of you have thought about suicide lately, or think about it in the future, just look back on what just happened with me. I'll be talking more about this later, but I just wanted to touch on it briefly now.
Okay, what would a Pat post be without a lesson, right? So here it is:
Love isn't waiting for you in the eternal grave
Love isn't waiting for you to drown in a wave
Love isn't waiting for you to tighten the noose
Love is the one that is there to cut you loose.
Love isn't selfishness taking and then taking more
Love isn't going to hurt you, Love helps you soar.
Religion and science, neither can explain
how Love is the thing that makes us dance in the rain.
Love isn't going to take it's own life away
Love isn't going to hurt you and then make you stay
Love brings you home.
Love is a stronghold.
Love won't keep you back.
I care so much for Pat, not in a romantic way, but he's like my dad... Not like my Father... I need him SO MUCH...
Pat, don't leave... I need you to be here, I need you to help me... Even if you think you don't, you just being around makes me feel like I'm safer, like there's a blanket wrapped around me that keeps me warm even when there's a blizzard... I don't think you understand how much I love you, how much I care, because I don't express it enough, but I really need you to stay with us, please, Pat, stay with us... I'm praying for you, like mad, and I hope that those prayers will be answered, but Pat, God won't do it alone, I need you to try to stay....
No, this isn't about sex. I wish it were, but that's just my Beta Male suckiness. (Read Christopher Moore's A Dity Job for an explanation- and a good laugh, that book's fuckin' HILARIOUS)
Anywho, I was in class today/yesterday (Friday) and Dylan and I, we had a bit of a "Moment" (or at least, I hope so). I can't really explain it, but we just sorta connected. I REALLY hope It's not just my imagination. But really, he just makes me all giddy inside! I wanna just kiss him, but that would be BAD, especially if he doesn't like me the way I think he does...
Up all night,
And this morning,
The air is chilled;
Clouds are covering my sunshine,
And the days are growing longer.......................................................
And my eyes are growing heavier,
But I won't go to sleep.
Any minute now,
That cheery little window could pop up.............
Any minute now...........................................................
Welcome, dear friends, to my good show, would you like a drink?
I would suggest the Shiver on Ice, if you don't mind the stink.
The drink is a wonderfully fruity blend of juice,
and a dab of vodka and a little arsenic.
You see, dear friends, if you drink this I believe,
You find that your sorrows will be relieved.
This drink will bring love right to your doorstep
This drink will bring happiness to your soul
and last but not least this drink can do
anything and retrieve what was stole.
Dear friends, dear friends, take a drink and relax,
and was laughing at ALL my jokes,
he was really sweet, when people weren't paying attention to me (I had to do a REALLY boring report... I wrote it) He was paying attention!
He's giving off serious "I like you in that way" vibes, guys!
I'M IN FUCKING LOVE!!!!!!
*Kiss on the stomach-----"lets have sex"
*Kiss on the Forehead ----"Forever you will be mine"*
*Kiss on the Ear ---"I'm horny"
*Kiss on the Cheek ---"We're friends"
*Kiss on the Hand ---"I adore you"
*Kiss on the Neck ---"We belong together"
*Kiss on the Shoulder ---"I want you"
*Kiss on the Lips ---"I love you" OR "I want you"
*Holding Hands ---"We can learn to love each other"
*Slap on the Butt ---"That's mine"
*Playing with the Ear ---"I can't live without you"
*Holding on tight ---"Don't let go"
*Looking into each other's Eyes ---"Don't let go"
I should have gone to bed an hour ago. Everyone be good and don't maim or kill one another while I'm gone, okay?
I hope it's simply paranoia, but I feel like everyone is mad at me for some reason. I don't like this feelig, it makes me want to dig a hole and crawl in, to escape the glaring. But nobody is glaring, because we're online. I don't know why people are mad at me, I thought people had gotten over the hissy fit, did I do something else?
Hurt me hurt me gag me with a spoon.
Adam A fucks corpses.
I LICK YOUR POLE!
What, haven't you ever seen A Christmas Story?
BANG BANG BANG! I shot you with a Desert Eagle.
It's christmas time in the Foolgirl School,
I say we let 'em play.
We should let in all the Foolboy Boys from next door today.
The Present from the principal,
We'll announce on the microphone,
Is that the Foolgirl Girls can have a ball
With their special one.
But Sir, But Sir,
The Foolboy Boys,
half of them are fags!
And Half the Foolgirl Girls as well,
Dykes, Principal Baggs!
That's fine, that's fine, we can turn 'em,
We can convert them to be right,
All we half to do is learn 'em,
About the wonders of a straight, hot, night.
As I walk down Toady Street I pass the home of Mr. Flatfoot
The longest streatch of Sidewalk you'll ever see.
The man has lived more than five-hundred-years
and never even bothered to make me some tea.
As I walk down Toady Street I bring an egg for Mr. Flatfoot
Throw it at his house, most daintily.
But as I run from the home of Mr. Flatfoot
I often step on glass and often bleed.
I believe that Mr. Flatfoot s not an ordn'ry man.
I believe he's a witch or a prophet
and he likes to see me in that hospital van.