I haven't gone to group much in the past while. Not since that stuff with Britt happened. Britt being my ex, I don't know if I've mentioned her. Not much happened between us. Not much of a break-up dispute either. We're still pals.
Okay so basically in the past like month since I've been on this site:
1) I started going to Open Closet, a group for gay teens that meets downtown
2) Came out to my parents
3) Was brought out by my aunt (she kida randomly called and asked if I'm a lesbian.)
4) Went to a party and got hammered and made out with a cool chick I met at Open Closet
So tomorrow is Christmas. I don't know about anyone else, but this holiday season has seemed so slack. I mean, even my mom is lazy about decorating. We hardly did anything. My friends all think the same thing. It just doesn't feel like the holiday season this year.
what do you guys think?
I was bored and started by drawing a clock, then another clock, and another clock, and another, and then i realized two of them made a face! So I gave the face a cigarette, and then true to my lesbian pride I added a couple random venus symbols. I finished it by colouring it using only the colours of the rainbow, and called it "Goolge" because at the time, my lesbian crush was trying to type 'google.ca' into the search bar and ended up typing goolge, and it sounded like a cool word.
Today was great. I actually did something fun for once. My buddy Luke and I both needed to go to a candy store (Like bulk barrel for example) for our second period class. So since I needed to get a new hoody or two, well, not 'need' so much as want... anyway. I asked him if he wanted to come to the mall with me and Caitlyn. And this was the first time we ever hung out outside of school, so that's why I'm explaining the event of going to the mall with this guy.
I got to witness another fight between best friend and guardian. I've seen my other best friend, Teri, get in shit by her gramma and dad. A few times. Once I even got in shit with her. It was scary. I mean, we were standing in the middle of main street, glenoce. The only vehicle in the road was her dad's, when he found us. I may have taken a swig of whiskey from a guy i didn't know, but it was in a 7up bottle and her dad wasn't around then. he never knew about that. all he knew was that we were standing in the middle of an empty road with boys at night. oooooh so bad. and i cried when we got yelled at. i've never been yelled at by them. then her dad hugged me because i was crying.
So, I decided to use that Nair hair removal cream yesterday. I mean, every girl has facial hair, mind you it's usually blond, and unnoticable. But I didn't want it. Body hair bugs me. Everyone who knows me knows I shave every inch of my body except my head and my eyebrows, and well, a small area 'down there'. Anyway... I decided I was going to start making my face 100% hairless.
I'm allergic to the cream.
So I did it again this weekend. I chickened out. I spent the weekend at her house again. I even took off work again yesterday to be with her longer. I can't believe this. I'm risking my job over a damn crush. No. Love. I can't get her out of my head. The way she lets me hold her when we're alone. Anyway. I was going to talk to her. Either that or I was just going to kiss her. I even started to ask her what she felt last weekend when I did kiss her. "Hey can I ask you somehting?" I said, speaking at a thousand km a second. "Last weekend at Teri's........Nevermind."
I decided I'm gonna ask my buddy Luke about this group in my city that meets every Friday night somewhere downtown. It's an all gay group and I don't know exactly what goes down there, but I think right now all I need is support. I'm driving myself insane. I just realized sometyhing this weekend. Even if my girl does love me back, she can't be with me. Her boyfriend would make sure I'm sent to the ER if she ever broke up with him for a girl. And well, that's kind of depressing. I guess really all I want now is to be around others like me, who go through the same stuff I am. Like, in real life. For support, you know. My school's GSA keeps me pretty sane, it's one of two reasons I like school. I mean, I feel normal there, if there even is a such thing as normal.
Wow. Kay. I woke up and my first thought LITERALLY was, Kiss her. Today is the day Amanda, you're going to tell her you love her, and you will kiss her, whether she likes it or not. Maybe not in so many words, but well, that's the feeling I had. That today is the day.
Well, my mother rushed me to get ready so she could get to work in time, being that the snow was really bad last night and would be ten times worse today.
Have you ever found yourself sitting with a pen and paper -- or a computer and keyboard -- feeling the desire to write somehting, but having no idea what to write? Especially when you've written one or two entries already that day? I'm feeling that right now. I love to write. I really do. But right now I'm loving it so much that I'm writing just for the sake of writing. Not to express any feelings, or get my confused thoughts out in front of me, or brag about some amazing news. Nah. I'm just down-right rambling. I just got home from work. It was soooo slack tongiht. First snow squal of the season, and no one wanted to shop for groveries tonight. I can just see all the Loblaws shoppers sitting my their gas fireplaces, thinking, "I should really get some more food for that empty fridge, but it's way too damn cold!!" Don't you jsut love Canada? I do!! Man. Where would I be without snow in the winter!? I got off work, stood outside in the lobby calling my mom to tell her i'm ready for a ride. She said Dad was on his way. So I thought, I'll call him, and his cell rang, and rang, and rang until i got so bored of waiting inside. The snow was just coming down! So slowly, so gently, but there was sooo much! And the way the street lamps lit it all up... It was beautiful!! I had to go outside and feel the crisp air, and the wet snowflakes on my face. Dad picked up, I asked where he was. He said, "Right in front of you." I looked, but saw no red SUV. then I looked again. That car sure looked like the shape of our truck. But wow there was a lot of snow piled on it!! He was waiting there for like, two minutes!!
I remember those confusing days, when I knew deep down inside that I am a lesbian, but I was too scared to even process the thought 'lesbian'. I remember having crushes on female TV characters, or girls from school, but even though I knew I liked them, I ignored the feelings. I remember in grade 9, I spent a month fantasyzing about a girl in my science and English classes. She was cute, and so outgoing. I sat a few seats behind her in science, so when the lights were off as we watched videos, she'd block my view of the screen. I didn't care, I just stared at her for the duration of the entire video.
I've told you before that I like you. That first time I emailed you and told you I am a lesbian, I asked you not to see me any differently. I told you I wasn't asking you out, or trying to make you like me back. I told you I just wanted to get over you.
I thought I had. I told you a week later about a girl in my Spanish class. I said I was planning on asking her out. I had it all planned out in my mind. It was going to work. And then, that night... oh that wonderful night. We were on the bed, watching a movie. Teri was on the computer, a few feet away, and you and I were holding each other in our arms. I realized then, that I still loved you. I didn't just 'like you'. I was absolutely head over heels for you. You said it; you may have been talking to the TV, but you said, "Kiss me." So I kissed you. We started talking about sexuality. You said you thought you might be bisexual. You said it didn't matter, but I know it does. It did for me. I went and kissed you again, on the lips. And again. I kissed your cheek, your neck, your ear. I didn't want the night to end. There is no way it doesn't matter to you. I've been where you are. I've been at the stage, where you're afraid to admit your sexuality. I've told that same wonderful girl, Teri, that I think I might be a lesbian. It will become easier for you to say it. And you know I'm here to talk if you ever need to.
I came to the conclusion today that my school needs to do a play about teen homoselxuality. You know, gay awareness. We just recently had a play about awareness of domestic violence, and i thought, why not do something like that for hoosexuality?
I was originally thinking of basing it on Julie anne Peters' Keeping You a Secret, but when I started writing an email to her asking for permission to use her story, I thought, why not be more original and creative, and create your own story?
I took my old crush to my old town to visit my other best friend. And it was just as great as the weekend they met. We were there for pretty much the entire day. and at the end, while we were watching Gothica, I kissed her. I didn't mean to, and honestly, my first thought was, "I thought I was asking Laura out this week..." Guess that won't happen, my feelings for Caitlyn have resurfaced. Damn. At least she admitted she might be bi. I've known all along, I thought it was just me hoping she was, but I guess in reality I knew. And now, she's starting to come out. It's kind of cute actually, I remember going through that phase. Blushing as you admit to your clsoe friends, that you might not be straight...