Rainbow_Penguin's picture

Its been a while

I feel so... exposed. My brothers girlfriend spent the night the night before last and we stayed up talking for hours/cleaning my room after my brother went to bed and she told me that she had always known I was gay. From the first time we met, which was when I didn't even realize I am. She was all "Yeah when I met you my gaydar went crazy." I was so confused and I still am.

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I just got done reading Smack. It’s a really good book but its made me think way too much. I know its not the point the author was trying to make but I want to... chase the dragon. Just once to see what its like and go. Just go somewhere for a while, meet new people, live. I know I shouldn't, I mean I've got a roof over my head. My mum, my animals, a job, an abusive person who claims to love my mum. But other than him I've got it good. Except I don't know who I am, I'm so bored with myself and my life I feel burnt out all ready and I haven’t even done anything. I'm eighteen years old for Anubis's sake I have many years before me but I feel like I've let too many years slide away without meaning.

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I just wanted to say

Thank you to everyone because your all so flipping nice!! But no time to write so comments and such will come later.

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Some Advice would be Nice

Okay. So far I've just been writing to write and that’s all fine but I need a little push with this. How would I go about finding a GLBT teen center close to me? I've been trying to look on the internet but it hasn't helped at all. I've only found results in New York and such. I found one in Hillcrest which is only in downtown SD but there was no address or number.

Then if/when I do find one I'm so scared about going. I'm really really almost painfully shy when meeting people and I am not a talker. You really have to spark my interest to get much out of me. I pretty much don't know what to do with myself in social situations. Now with writing I'm good, I can talk away over the computer or through letters and notes and think nothing of it.

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Kingdom Hearts, frustration, Rent, three orange cats and then some.

First time ever playing Kingdom Hearts and I must say its fun. Although A long time ago my mum spilled soda on my controller so the buttons keep sticking so I'm getting angry at it. I kept trying to hit the little shadow thingys and nothing would happen. Since I tend to throw things when I get mad I am now watching Rent, with my cats.

I absolutely love cats, and dogs, and horses come to think of it but the cats are the only ones allowed in the house. I have five total in the house and two outside. My three children are all orange tabbies I bottle fed so their very affectionate and love to cuddle. There are two boys and a girl, Noah, Rex, and Baby cat. Then the two others are Angel(a tortoise shell) and Stormy(grey and white patches with dark gray stripes in the light gray). Stormy is my brothers cat but she makes too much noise when hes sleeping or something so I've adopted her.

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Telling a friend, Math exams, and Magazine wallpaper

With a little bit of past history thrown in the mix.

So today I went and saw one of my friends who I haven’t seen in about a month because of my job (I work full time at a Feed and tack store). First thing I did was tell her I'm a lesbian. She cooed at me, said how cute, and hugged me. Not the reaction I expected at the time but now that I think about it she probably wasn't surprised. For the year we've know each other I've never had a crush on a boy. Also while going through months of crushing on one of our friends (who is bi and I will call S.) I cried on her shoulder many of times. It wasn't that I liked S. that bothered me , it was how she kept running me in circles and took advantage of how strong my crush was. Basically she would hold hands with me, cuddle, and kiss, say she didn't want a relationship then repeat all over again for three months until one day her ex boyfriend came back into the picture, they got back together and I was finally told she had never liked me that way. Needless to we don't talk anymore.

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I've finally removed the baind aid but there seems to be some stitches left...

That is how I feel about myself right now. I hid my sexuality from myself, sewed it up then covered that with a nice band aid of denial.
After four days of lurking on this site I finally got my e-mail so I could log in. I just wrote this really long entry and stupid me forgot to save it somewhere else in case the page c hanged or something. So I am starting the whole thing over. Its very frustrating but what can you do.

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