I leave for sleep away camp in 2ish months. I really like camp. It's such a dump and has so little money that they have to be creative when it comes to the activities that we do. We have jello fights and mud wrestling matches all the time. So, yeah, it's really fun. I'm considering comeing out this summer, just to see what it's like. I'm sooooooooo sick of being in the closet.
Yesterday I promised to tell my friend Ari why I've been so distant and upset latly on friday after school. I've been so upset because I'm strugling with my gender identity and kinda my sexuality so I pretty much promised to come out. Then, today in school he asked if I could talk to him about it after school that day. I said yes. So, today after school we went to the band room.
so, I have this friend named Ari who doesn't know I'm queer or questioning my gender identity. I'm almost certain that he has a crush on me which will only make things more awkward. I've been pretty distant latly and he knows that something's up. He's been asking me about it but we've always been in school so I couldn't really say anything about how my gender has been pissing me off.
This winter I learned how to pitch, or rather, how to throw softballs in random directions and look like a fool at the same time. I like it a lot but I'm really bad at it. I'm not obbsesed with it but once I start something I have to keep doing it and I have to get it perfect, I'm a perfectionist who just doesn't know how to quit.
Today in values class we had this wierd workshop where we were split up by our gender and we had to talk about issues that affected us. I stayed with the girls. I have a girl's body but I'm not a normal girl. Generaly, I just push the fact that I'm a girl away. I've basicaly just thrown the whole concept of gender out the window.
The musical ended today. My school did a production of Anything Goes and today was the last performance. I played harp in the orchestra (it was called and orchestra but it only had 10 people in it so it was more like a band) I'm kinda relieved that it's over and kinda sad but mostly I'm just tired.
I don't know about everyone else, but I discovered my sexuality in a very abrupt way.
There is this boy in my grade named Ari who I've become pretty good friends with. He doesn't know that I'm gay (I call myself gay even though I'm a girl) I'm pretty sure he's straight. So, today we were talking about what movies we liked and I said that I didn't see movies that often. Then he said that I should see a movie with him some time. Is this him asking me out for a date?
for english class we have to write form poems. I hate doing this but I write much better poems this way. (sometimes they're REALLY bad but most of the time they're some of my best poems)
here they are. The first one is a triolet and the second one is a petrarchean sonnet
Sure, I'm gay, a dyke, a flamer.
But why do I care
about being a perverted sinner.
Sure, I'm gay, a dyke, a flammer.