I come undone.
I am having thoughts of sentimental nights spent with my lover. It's been so long since I've felt someone's touch. It's felt so long since I've given all my passion to my body and let my hands express my longing. My hands are magic. They're soft. I will tell you I never had a second thought on what to do all the times we went a step further. Everything is natural to me.
It was always natural. The way my hand gripped the small of her back and always pulled her back into me when she slipped away. And how I ran my hands up her sides and her legs.
5% fictional, 100% emotional.
I stood there and looked at your identity and said, "What did you do to your face? I loved your face."
You looked back, "What did you do with your innocence? What did you do to your hair? I loved your hair."
And we stood and studied each other and our respective metamorphoses as if our brains and emotions became an exoskeleton the other could see through the translucent membrane.
I fished dry.
This is a chronicle of the time after my break up with my girlfriend of 3 years. I wrote this about a month and a half after it happened and I started to heal and think clearly about things and put them in perspective. If you are having a rough time with things, anything, not even a breakup, you should read this because life is not always so serious and I am doing great now.
woah woah woah woah
i can't take it.
Things are good. I feel mellow tonight. I feel like writing.
And it's the moment I realized I can relate and understand the other half of all the tegan and sara songs.
their meaning bleeds right through this page
i state my case and you impale yourself
on points to you i wish i made
let's just pretend this never happened
and we'll be on our way. even with these scars i can't remember
how it started anyway. your blood, it stains me like a trophy
when i wear it i'm ashamed
of what i was
or who i am
or everything i could've been
I love the foo fighters.
It's march now. February kicked ass. Got a lot done. I am sitting in my room at my desk contemplating my suppressed feelings that I have recognized as suppressed. I am doing well, but I am suppressing, and that's no good. Besides that, things are well. I am doing better. I wish this wasn't a process, I wish I could flick a switch and not feel this way.
Got my license. Things have been great the past week. I feel great. I've been doing great. The past couple days I've felt really normal and myself. I wasn't sure if I would still be myself or if I would just develop into a new person. I think it will be both, though. I'm still pretty much a dork.
I'm always afraid of feeling too great because of the crash.
I've crashed a couple times.
Each consequent crash is significantly less than the last. The last time I got drunk I got most of it out. Been on a good streak. Fell a little tonight. Only a little. But god, I can barely move my arm.
I'm suuuuper sick. All I can think of this time last year? 2 years ago? That you got this sick and you couldn't sleep and the coughing kept you up all night and your abs were sore from it. And I took care of you and made you tea. And food. And when you couldn't sleep and your coughing woke me up in the middle of the night I would be half asleep doing light fingers on your back and stomach because it was your favorite thing and it made you sleepy. And it calms you down. And you were able to fall back asleep at night. Propped up with pillows because laying down made your lungs worse.
but every time they play "home"
it crushes my heart
and burns my throat
and makes me want to punch a whole in the wall.
she always used to say i was her home.
Alabama Arkansas I do Love my Ma and Pa
Not the way that I do Love you
Holy Moly Me oh My you're the apple of my eye
Girl I've never loved one like you
Man o Man you're my best friend I scream it to the nothingness
there ain't nothing that I need
Hot and Heavy pumpkin pie
Chocolate candy Jesus Christ
Ain't nothing please me more than you
Home, Let me come Home
Home is Whenever I'm with you
Home, yes I am Home
to get me through this semi-charmed life.
Feeling overall better. Past couple days been a little sad sometimes, not sure why. Everything is going as planned. Got my driving test planned, insurance on my uncles car so I can take my test, been driving his car around. Just feel a little shitty. Emotionally and physically.
I got a super bad cold yesterday! Everything-nose, eyes, throat, cough. Ugh, it sucks.
well i guess this is growing up
Been ok for a bit. Came home. Not so good.
My arm hurts.
Headfirst for halos.
Makes me crazy, feels good. Enough of this calming shit.
Sometimes I need to freak out.
Sometimes I wish I could hate her.
I wouldn't have to feel anything. I don't want to feel anything. She doesn't feel anything she doesn't care.
I just want to stop caring.
I want to stop caring.
She is nothing.
I am nothing.
I don't think about her a lot. But when I do I can still feel it.
Making it to the top of a lesbian thread on reddit with my new hairtcut-big self esteem booster. I never knew I could be attractive. It is a strange thing to feel good about yourself when looking in the mirror.
So many people think I'm cute. FEMALES! WHAT?!?!?! Strange. I like it.
Past falling to the past.
I cut my hair off.
I've had long hair my whole life.
It's now short.
I scheduled my driving test for my license next friday.
I'm going to do my taxes.
My fasfa, submit it for financial aid.
I am saving for a car. I almost have enough after the next check or two.
Things are getting better.
I'm going to kick the world in the face.
Show everyone what I can do.
She broke up with me, but she didn't break me.
Watch me rise.
I will always be the better person.
I will always feel justified in my feelings and reasons. Apologize when I know I am wrong. To her. There was a time long ago i told myself to let go of my pride so we can resolve things when needed. So that I can love like people should love. That is why I can't stay mad at her really. I can't go to sleep mad feeling like something is unfinished.