Only you, only you, you know. And I feel "Drops in the river" by Fleet foxes will come to define this time in my life.
I am consistently doing better. I am feeling optimistic. I am past the initial sadness. I feel this will be better, not just know. That's what I'm glad about. We didn't talk all weekend, she was busy, but she called me monday afternoon and we chatted for awhile.
She called cause we hadn't talked all weekend. That was nice. She never does that. I felt more normal than ever. I'm not sure what "normal" means to me anymore. It's all changing!
There's nothing I can do
There's nothing I can do
There's nothing I can say
There's nothing I can say
I can say
Today is better for sure. All day. Came home and felt a lot better. Sat in the living room for the first time since the night it happened. Ate a meal. Bought my family Mcdonald's because we haven't had money for real food and I don't know how they've been surviving really because I don't eat and if I do it is something small at work that I buy because I'm there more than here. We are tight on money.
I couldn't fall asleep last night. I was trying and I was so tired, but I couldn't. I was really sad for a bit but then I wasn't thinking about anything and I just couldn't sleep. Only had less than 6 hours of sleep. Felt shitty the first half of the day at work.
Sitting in the car waiting to go in to work with my dad. Silent. He asks me, "You feeling ok?" No. I'm not. "You should just call in, and rest" I can't.
I felt physically sick. Emotionally sick. Just altogether sick. What a letdown after yesterday's feelings. I felt so good yesterday. I don't know if good is the right word.
On repeat. On the train. In the dark. The week I went to visit her. The last time I saw her. Before all of this happened.
The first night we slept together was the longest night of my life. It's number two now. We barely slept because we were so excited that my arm was around her. It was one of those cute things you look at later in life. Awkward teenagers. We didn't say anything, it took me so long to work up the courage to roll over and put my arm there. I think it might have been over an hour. And when I did it, her reaction was instantaneous I'll never forget.
You know I always just type the title of the song that is currently playing. Almost all of my journals are like that clear back to three years ago.
I am keeping these as a log for myself, whether or not anyone reads them is a plus. I like looking back. Gives me good perspective.
Things I will miss. Things that will make me bawl my eyes out. A list.
Her rubbing her feet on mine when we sleep because it makes her sleepy and I think it's super cute. Her rubbing her feet on mine anytime because she loved me.
Waking up in the morning seeing the light touch her face. Outlines of her face. Sharp. Angular. Pretty. Sleeping. I could stare for a long time. Kissing her in her sleep. Smelling her hair.
My kisses. I always kissed her everywhere. She loved that. Her neck. And collar bone and hair and stomach. Her hands.
Today was my first day of work back. I'm lucky I had those two days in a row off when it happened. It was ok. Not that good, though. It was slow. I felt just up and down kind of. Before this happened I was up and down but it was super high energy-hyper and then a little morose. And today it was between trying not to think about it and feeling like punching myself in the face versus being a little bit ok. It was too slow. I made sure I wasn't completely distracted. I kept it in the back of my mind.
I'm going to have trouble adjusting to the little things. Like saying "I love you" when we say goodnight. Or calling her baby, love. The first time I almost accidentally say to someone, "Oh, my girlfriend...." And then remember, is when it'll truly hurt. 3 years of habits. Fucking little things. I don't want to even say her name. I took down most of our pictures. Not because I'm going to be an overdramatic idiot and try to forget everything we had. But because it'll help. I kept our favorite one up next to my bed.
Feeling better today. Probably because I actually slept. Got a good 10 hours the past two days. Definitely felt clearer to think. I was afraid of waking up and remembering. I have to say it wasn't as bad as I thought. I did dream about us being okay though. That hurts a little.
I showered. And got dressed. And cleaned. I always clean when something is wrong. Like somehow picking up clutter and organizing things will organize my thoughts and get rid of my mental clutter. It helps, for some reason. Felt pretty good until this evening when it hit me. Hard. Cried for awhile.
I didn't sleep really. A couple hours. Nauseous. Shaky. My hands are in a constant state of sweating. It's gross. I move my arms when I sit up and feel the sweat under my arms. Headache.
Back and forth. Clarity. Distraction. Remembering. Don't let me sleep. Don't let me wake up and remember. I want to sleep for a long time so I don't have to deal with waking up and remembering, that is the hardest. It's so hard. It's like when I used to have bad dreams and wake up and feel relieved. And roll over and hug her. And now I'm not dreaming.
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
She broke up with me.
My best friend.
We'll still be friends.
I will never leave.
When she fixes herself there is a chance.
Don't get attached. Don't have hope. Please live.
A message to my future self: Don't hope too hard. Please. And be careful about trusting. It is a dangerous thing.
My love. My girlfriend.
I wish I would've known so I could've savored our last times together.
I've barely gotten to see her the last couple months.
I want to cuddle.
Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up, kiddo.
The screams all sound the same.
I'm ruining perfectly good songs this week with my obsession. Feeling this shitty and connecting them with horrible feelings. A year from now listening to them will make me sad because I'll remember. Like smells.
We had a good talk. I hope I can learn to understand. I asked her for sure and she loves me. Things are unpredictable. She might not love me tomorrow but for now she loves me with everything she has, and that's more than I thought she would say. She never tells me really how much. Sometimes people are robots and they say I love you without meaning it. I'm so shitty that I can't comprehend how someone can love me. But she does. That's good enough for me I guess. I can't be selfish or sad anymore about it. I love her more than anything. She's the most important person to me.
I think I will be okay. I don't know what will happen. I may be over reacting, who knows. But I'd rather be prepared for the worst. I'm going to be here whenever she needs me. I hope that's ok. She loves me. She is worried she will never be happy on her own. Why can't she understand sometimes people need help before they can be their own person? We are changing. That's ok. I can change with it. I feel like I'm maturing. I don't feel selfish anymore. I've realized this the past couple days. I don't care how I feel about it. I don't care if I'm sad.