haha i love schoolyard heroes :D
I haven't written in a while.
I figured out I only write when I am pretty messed up and feeling depressed. So it must be a good thing I haven't written in a while :D I've been in a great mood. It feels like spring is here, (besides the snow the other day) and the third trimester has finally begun! Woot! I love my classes so far and I think i probably will make some friends. I haven't really made any this year. How ridiculous!
Lately it seems like everything is falling apart around me. I know I always say nothing really effects me, cause I know it will pass and I really don't care, but I'm starting to think everything has had a deeper impact on me. I'm starting to think it's been seeping in and it has just taken longer. The only thing that really has a direct effect on me is if I have a crush cause I go through major mood swings and shit.
and I ignited.
I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.
I am. Am I? Maybe I love self destructing more than recovering. Sometimes I think I could have a split personality. Half the time I'm helping myself and the other half the time I'm just trying to kill myself. Everything feels like a muddled mess.
One day at a time though. Woot for optimism.
im surprised when i look in the mirror theres a reflection.
im surprised there is someone there, all this time i feel like i have no substance.
im surprised theres even a face. i feel like bliss.
"are you okay?" he asked
no, dad, im not okay, im an angsty emotional teenager who never gets out and sits alone in the house all day contemplating the purpose of my life.
"yeah, im just not hungry, you guys can go though"
i dont care for eating out much. i like the meals you throw together with whatever you find in the cuboard. it makes me feel resourceful.
and i have to admit, its making me a bit sad.
sometimes it is really soothing though, and i love it.
this relationship we have is only weird to me because i know the things you dont. i feel the feelings you dont. its only weird to me. i look for signs that dont exist. i hold onto them. i keep forgetting im nothing. im sure it will be okay though.
we havent talked all day. but thanks for wishing me happy vday.
your song is on repeat.
sex and candy here.
I hate myspace. I love it, but sometimes I hate it. It's ridiculous to say, but it's true. It makes me feel insignificant and shows me how much cooler everyone else is. Even if they're not. It makes me depressed for a short time >:|
then I remember, oh yeah, I told myself not to go on myspace when I'm feeling shitty cause then it just gets worse :O, but I do anyway.
It's like when you are crying and you just think of more things to make you cry more. Same concept I guess.
I've been listening to the Classic Crime's new cd, and I must admit I love it. A lot. The lyrics are amazing!
Today was a two hour delay and I was so glad cause last night I went to bed semi-late and couldn't get to sleep but I really really wanted to get sufficient sleep since I had a math test today. I've been having a lot of head aches lately and it's really annoying. I think I must be dehydrated, but I'm not sure. I just drank a bunch of water, hopefully it gets better. I can't think of any other reason why I would be getting them.
Somehow the solitude isn't as it has always been. Somehow it's different. And somehow I'm not enjoying it anymore. But only for now, it's just one of those many mood swings.
9.30 on a friday night, empty house and a one man party. Minus the party part D:
I'm so vulnerable. A couple of months ago I remember writing how wonderful this is, how exciting, and that I know I'm going to fall in the end, and that I'm just digging a grave, but I loved it.
I am such an idiot.
I figured out today that I don't only have the essay that was due yesterday, but also another one from the same class due tomorrow. That sucks -___- But I guess it's ok because it's my own fault for forgetting, oh well. It kind of was nice for me because today when I got home I was feeling a little shitty so I wrote the essay really well because I was trying hard to distract myself. And it worked because I do better work when I'm under pressure (since it's due tomorrow) and I was actually wanting to write it. I just have one more to write !!
when you asked for light, i set myself on fire.
god i love that song <3
Today was such a fantastic day. Probably because I stayed home from school. I can't believe I thought that essay was due on thursday >_>
Now I just have an extra day to do it haha and I forgot my book in my locker, fuck! Tomorrow I get to leave early for a denist appointment but luckily my classes tomorrow are easy so I won't have any homework, woo!! It was so beautiful out today, I'm gad I went for a long walk !
but can i speak? is it hard understanding, im incomplete.
mcr is good.
Half days are so great. Today I finally got to go on a long walk cause the past couple of days I've been too tired to go anywhere. It was really pretty outside :D
And I read some more.
Overall good day.
Home alone, it's my brother's 21st birthday and my dad took him out. I ate a piece of cake even though we didn't do candles >:D
And I jumped around A LOT, cause I was hyper and dancing to nice music :D
Tomorrow I have a stupid conference, but it's a half day and I guess not that bad. I love taking naps.
I'm in love with shinedown once again. God I forgot how much I love them! I'm home alone and it's super great to have it up loud again. Lately I've been going to bed at 10pm or later and instead of feeling tired I am feeling really good during the day and I just take a nap later and feel great. I think this is something I'm going to start doing.
Haha whenever I try hard at something it feels like I just get shot down. Like in school when you think you did a fantastic job and you find out you actually just got a C, I mean FUCK, D: I hate when that happens. I've learned to do what's expected and nothing more. When I do that things turn out pretty well. I wish I could say the same in social situations. Too bad I try hard sometimes.
Sometimes I feel like there are feelings you feel because they come as habbit. They come as natural reactions to something that has previously occurred, and you react the way you do because of experience. You get used to it and do it unconsciously. When I start to wonder what I'm really feeling, what is habbit, what is real, I become confused.