Anyone who has been reading my journal knows that I have issues with my dad, mainly that he doesn't really acknowledge my existance. Well today I made a chip in his shield of apathy he has towards me.
Well I finally did it, I finally came out to Josh. After all the attempts to talk to him alone I finally got my chance yesterday. Out of the three people I've told, he was by far the most understanding and accepting.
It was a funny scene at the dinner table last night when my mom decided to go through the mail. To date my mom is the only person in my family I've come out to but she doubts my seriousness on the subject, thinking maybe I'm just going through a phase (and apparently I've been going through it since I was 13).
Yesterday was the day Josh and I were going to hang out, which is cool because we haven't seen each other in awhile. It was also the day I planned to come ou to Josh and cross another name off my list. I also had another motive in coming out to josh though.
I've decided to look for my first boyfriend and starting tomorrow I'll start taking steps toward making it happen. First on the list is changing the way I look, or more specifically things about myself that may give off the wrong image. For example, I only have my left ear pierced which, I'm under the impression, means I'm straight. So tomorrow I think I'm going to get my right ear pierced.
Today couldn't have gone any worse. First off, my friend Lindsey and I hungout for the majority of the day which ended up with me dying my mohawk red. My parents didn't agree with this and it led to an argument the likes of which I hadn't seen for years.
Earlier this year I hit a wave of depression that was just crippling. On a couple of instances during this time I thought about killing myself and on one occasion was prepared to do so. I think the one thing that kept me from doing it wasn't really my family or friends but instead was the kids I work with.
For the first time in my life I'm legitimately afraid of something. Coming out, right now, seems like this lofty ambition I hope to achieve. The thing is I'm so unsure of myself it's gut wrenching. I've never had a relationship that ever turned sexual (Past 2nd base) and now it just seems like a huge leap to just say I'm gay. I have nothing really to compare this to.
My friend Josh and I have been hanging out a lot the past couple of months and as a result I've picked up being a social smoker. I know the risks and that it will kill me but BY GOD does it make me feel better. I mean I can feel like complete shit, stressed out the eyeballs but as soon as I put the cigarette on my lips I start feeling better.
I'm in a weird place right now, it's like time won't move fast enough for me. I know alot of older people say that everyone wants time to move fast when you're young but when you're old you'll cling to your last seconds but really I would just like to skip the next couple of years. Really all that's waiting for me is finishing the rest of my classes for my bachelors degree.
You know its weird, I just don't know what I'm going to do anymore. I'm at the point right now where I have to start making critical decisions like what I'm going to do as a career, where I'm going to live, my orientation, etc. The thing is I'm not sure of myself in the least. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to end up teaching elementary school.