yeah....so pretty much I had a neltdown on my bathroom floor....I'm stupid. I keep expecting her to text me and tell me her mom said yes.....I'm waiting for a text that won't ever come.....I just want to say fuck it.....and close myself off from everyone......that way shit like this won't happen. And I won't get hurt....or look forward to things that don't happen. I won't be disappointed. The one thing that got me through the summer....isn't even going to happen. Great....way to have my heart break all over. my dad's all "oh maybe another time" well...when the fuck is that suppose to happen?
I knew it was too good to be true. Her coming to visit.....stupid me thought that it would really happen......well nope.....not going to. It's like I come within an inch of getting something good to happen. Only to have it not...I'm so sick of being fucking disappointed.....now I'm pissed....and I want to cry...I will probably cry tonight.....after everyone has gone to bed....
I hate that I care so fucking much.....If I could live without my heart I would have ripped it from my chest.....I'm frustrated and I want to cry....all at the same fucking time. In my head I have taken a dagger to my chest and stabbed my heart multiple times....I hate that I feel...I would almost rather be an uncaring, unfeeling person. It would make my life so much more simple.
I was stupid to think that things could finally start getting better. Stupid to think that a girl like her could really like someone like me. Stupid to think that everything would turn out ok in the end. My weekend keeps getting worse and worse. I feel like things finally start to be ok, and then something comes by and tears them all apart.
I was explaining to Kayla....that everything is unravelling faster than I can fix them....and it's driving me insane...I don't know what to believe anymore.
I'm a mixture of emotions....and I can't sort through them. I send amy a text asking if she wanted to get coffee sometime this week....I feel nothing for her anymore...well, just about nothing. I don't want to be with her...I'm past that. I'm trying to move forward. And that's a good thing. Hence why I asked about coffee. But I don't expect her to say yes, or even get an answer. But I will probably send another text later, not that I'm expecting an answer. But I dunno what she feels or thinks....
How do I tell my brother....who could possibly go to juvie...that I'm here if he needs to talk? I want to tell him I'm his big sister, and I may hate him sometimes...but he's still my brother.....I know he has issues....there are so many flags...my parents have ignored them all....when we got into a fist fight...they did nothing....NOTHING.....how much more of a flag do you fucking need? He apparently doesn't qualify for therapy....but he needs it...I know he does.
A poem I found that made me cry. And that's never happened...
My Vow To You
I know you're going crazy,
I've been there too.
I can see how the weight is making your knees bend,
Let me take some of it from you.
Don't keep yourself closed off,
I am here for you to open up and let go.
There is so much you can't forget or forgive,
Let me help you cope, we can work things out together.
I hear the pain in your voice,
You need me now.
Don't worry, I'll move heaven and hell to get there.
You can't talk, you won't talk about it,
Put your worries in my hands.
So....my brother got into serious trouble....
He was spending the night with his friend Robert....well....I guess they got into serious trouble...I came home today from getting my guitars tuned...and both my parents are home. My sister informs me that we can't go downstairs because my brother is getting talked to. Well me and my dads girlfriend look at each other and then at my sister.
I want to write you a big long letter.....put a stamp on it and mail it, but you stop listening to me after a certain point, why would you read my letter all the way through? You told me to send all the letters I wrote, but why would you have read them? Why would that have been any different? what would have made it any different? I feel so much, but yet I feel so empty.
I said I wouldn't read your journals....but I did....it still hurts a little....but I don't want to cry....I'm at the point where I don't miss you....I can't miss you. I look back on what we had, and all the memories we made....and I miss that. I'm at the point where I want nothing to do with you.....where I want to hate you, but I can't....I guess secretly I still miss you, just a little. But it grows fainter and fainter as each day passes.
Hey you...yes you...You..the pretty blue-eyed girl....
You consume my thoughts...all day and all night....I almost drove off the road the other day because I saw someone I thought was you. I ran into the wall because I was daydreaming about you...you have inspired me to do the one thing I didn't think was possible...you made me want to write again. I have cranked out numerous poems...all about you.
She told me their relationship wasn't a rebound relationship...and that she didn't want to be with me. All I wanted to do was tell her I was ok. But then I couldn't stop talking to her...and I wound up hurt...again....she said she didn't want to think about our relationship and stuff because it mad her sad and depressed. Well yeah...you're not alone there....you just shut the door and moved on. You don't give a fuck anymore. You have your perfect fucking girlfriend and your ex...me...who can't keep herself together and can barely function. Who is thinking of suicide...again.
I had a nice long journal all typed up and then lost it...so now I get to do this all over.
I read her "Curse you" journal....I texted her and let her know I was ok....she called me Elby...and I cried...
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck......I read her journal..and my heart's beating faster and I'm light headed....I hate that I'm not her.....I hate that it's not me you're talking about.....I want to cry, but I can't....there are no more tears to shed.....I still want to die. I want to stop hurting. The hurt is less, but god it's still there.
So I just realised in the last two days I haven't eaten anything but some salad, ding dongs and some milk.....I'm hungry, but the thought of eating makes me sick....I'm tired, but when I lay my head down to rest I'm not...I can't sleep. I can't sleep at night...my brain just wants to think...
I have that eminem song in my head...the 'Love the way you lie'....there are things he says that I feel, now granted...not everything....but when he says "Now I know we said things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns