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Tell the truth tell the truth tell the truth.

I lie about everything. the fictions in my head become realities when I lie them but now its just a lie.

I am more out. I am not out.

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I didn't think going to college would make me feel more in the closet. when I was at home I never felt like I was hiding because i kept my life so separate. Friends were separate from teammates and separate from school, and if you weren't my friends then it never really came up whether I was gay or not.

But here those boundaries seem impossible. Right now I don't feel like I'm hiding, but as soon as the dates for the lgbt meetings come and go I feel like I will feel that way. (Feel.Feel.)

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So I'm a little buzzed right now. I don't know why anyone like this feeling. I guess other people get euphoric when they're drunk. I just get dizzy. Then again, I think I'm a high functioning drunk or something. I've had about 5 drink right now, but I'm feeling pretty competent. Just dizzy, heavy, and not quite healthy. So I don't think I'll ever understand why people like to drink so much.

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I don't think Gay marriage will ever be real for me till it's legalized in California.

There are five states where Gay marriage is legal, and it looks like Maryland is going to join the bandwagon pretty soon too, so that's six.

But that just doesn't seem real to me. I guess it's because I'm from California, and I've never been anywhere else, but it just seems crazy to me that somewhere in the U.S someone can go someplace and be like "this is my wife". or husband or whatever. Unreal.

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new years resolution

1. I'm going to be friendlier this year. I know I can be stand-offish, and it makes me seem like a bitch. So, I will initiate one conversation each day to a person that I would not normally talk to.

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and then

It's time for me to be moving on.
I had a fight with my mother, and when she stormed out of the house I realized I wasn't guilty at all. And I lied to her. So I should have been guilty, but I just wasn't. We've never been that close, and she isn't exactly a good listener, so I just don't tell her anything. And she lies to me too.

So it's time. I'm hanging on for a couple of months, and then I'm off to college 3000 miles away. I'm scared but I'm really ready to become dependent on me. And have my own life. Actually be in possession of my own life.

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Senior Year

I'm worried about one of my friends. She's stressing so much right now. What's worse is that she's really not a sharer. I've gotten hints that she's been freaking out over more than college apps and homework(which is bad enough in her case) but she won't tell me what it is. I haven't pushed it. I think she said that she was going to therapy this week, but whenever she tells me anything actually important she mutters and says things in passing when I'm not really listening.

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I always forget how in the closet i really am, because I don't think of myself as anything but gay. It's like I'm ready to be out but I don't want to go through the whole damn process and drama of actually coming out. I just want people to know. Lazy.

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Lea Michele is smoking hot.

The entire glee cast is hot.

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college recruiting

So I'm at the point where I'm starting to be recruited by colleges for my sports. It's really cool, and usually the last thing on my mind is being gay, but once in a while it pops up in my mind and I'm like "holy shit how do I deal with this". I haven't come out in my high school, let alone strange random recruiters, but it is very important for me that it will be o.k for me to be openly gay on a team. The last thing I want is to go to a college and then find out my coach is some homophobe.

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Coming out

I'm deciding when to come out. Being me, I'm seeing what schedule to put this on, and how to do it. I wouldn't really care about coming out, its not really a big deal in my life, but I want to be out before college. I mean, I eventually want to date someone. Not being out is kind of detrimental to that. Yeah.

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I had a nice day today. Practice in the morning, then I just chilled at home all day cause my parents were at work and I watched "But I'm a cheerleader" and "Imagine You and Me", Neither of which I've seen before, so that was cool and left me in a good mood.

That sounds kind of loserish, watching gay movies alone, but whatever. It was a kind of a chill day.

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door to door

I know they are doing what they feel is right. And I know to them gay marriage is something they want to fight against just as much as gay people want to fight for it. It's just.... So sad that people can't reconcile their views more easily. But then again I wouldn't want to change my views so....

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Today was an ego-killer. Just one of those days when you don't feel like anyone likes you for you, stuff doesn't happen the way you want it to, and somebody makes you feel like you aren't anybody special. I don't know, I hate when days like these bring out so much of my own insecurities. I mean looking back on it, it wasn't such a bad day.

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For love, and all that is clean and pure, don't be gay, and don't marry that chick. Seriously, I'm willing to give up all hopes on Ellen Page being gay as long as you aren't. Please , please. For all that is holy.

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