I broke up with my girlfriend of three years on Friday. She had feelings for someone else.
"Insignificant, inconsequential feelings. When I told her they went away."
"I know she liked you too. How couldn't she? Why would you tell her if she didn't?"
Fast forward one week and I'm carrying groceries into your kitchen, the grime of the six hour bus ride and two train transfers oily on my skin. I start to chop onions and ask you about what happen with her.
"Have you talked to her? Has she left yet?"
"No. I made it clear I could never talk to her again. She left yesterday."
I always refer to them as relapses. To myself at least.
My very first love.
It's become seasonal. It gets cold out and I remember. I remember nights spent keeping each other warm. Staying up after everyone else had fallen asleep. I remember holding your hand in my pocket.
It's residual now. The love has faded, but the tug of lingering attraction remains. It's been months since I've seen you, and it's felt like years and I've been happy.
She makes me so happy. We've almost been together for two years.
But she wasn't the first.
I don't know if you guys have seen Dan Savage's youtube project "It gets better", but it's pretty awesome.
It's been a long time since I've written here, and things have really, really, really gotten better. If I compare myself now/ my feelings towards being gay to myself/ how I felt about being gay when I first started writing here it's amazing. So much has changed. I'm much happier. I like who I've become.
Also, to all my ladyfriends; here's an awesome blog: www.autostraddle.com
50 little secrets .
Be honest no matter what!
1. Who was your last text from & what did it say?
can i call you soon?
2. Where was your default picture taken?
At Halloween festivities.
3. Your relationship status?
In a serious relationship.
4. Have you ever lost a close friend?
Yes. People change and move on.
5. What is your current mood?
6. What are your brother(s)/sister(s) names?
7. Where do you wish you were right now?
With my girlfriend.
9. Have a crazy side?
10. Ever had a near death experience?
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 100 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.
WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = diet coke with rum.
2. last phone call = the girlfriend
3. last text message = the girlfriend
4. last song you listened to = that "i know you want me, you know i want cha." song.
5. last time you cried = two days ago?
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = nope.
7. been cheated on = nope.
8. kissed someone & regretted it = yes.
happy day after prom!
prom was horrible. as in, way lame. my girlfriend hates dancing and so we just were chillin the whole time, talking to my friends. which wasn't so bad. but she was really uncomfortable and not having fun so that was a bummer. but! she did come. and that was kind of a big deal. so ya.
things are going really well. our two month aniversary was friday. we went mini-golfing. she beat me. twice. haha.
i'm a very love sick puppy.
Remember my new crush? Well, now she's my new GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!
That sounds kind of weird still, but whatever. I'll get used to it.
1. What is more difficult: looking into someones eyes when telling how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they tell you how they feel?
When they're telling me.
2. Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry?
Stupid drama bullshit.
3. You will die in three minutes. Last call?
4. If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?
i have a crush! a legitimate for real crush! like, butterflies!
SERIOUSLY! AND IT'S AMAZING! I FORGOT HOW WONDERFUL THIS IS!
YOU KNOW WHAT'S THE BEST PART!?!?!??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHE LIKES GIRLS TOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
holy crap! i'm so excited! we're just getting to know each other and everything is so perfect!!!
this is my first real crush since before steffi!
(p.s. this is techie girl, from my play!)
i'm so so so so so excited. things with stop kiss girl are progressing! i can almost form coherent sentences in front of her! and i know it's stupid, but she wrote on my facebook wall and yayayayayay YAY!
valentine's day was. ugh.
i'm seriously plagued by my memories. every time i see her, i remember something different something else that makes everything make even less sense. but i guess that's life. nonsensical. (that's a word. because i say so)
You know what's strange?
When you've been really close to someone. And then you're not any more. So you avoid eye contact. Or any contact in general. Because it's just too hard.
Guess what! I'm in Stop Kiss! Woooooooooooooooooo! I'm Callie, for any of you that that means something to. I'm really excited and really nerveous because I haven't done any acting in like... 3 years... But it'll be so fun! PLUS. There is a really cute girl involved! She's not my costar, she's a techie. But she's amazing, and I don't really know her quite yet... but I really really want to...
Waiting. Right now I am waiting. I am waiting for her to come around. Because I know what I feel and what I felt, and I'm not ready to give up what we had; even though she's not ready to see what's there.
I'm aiming to learn in the meantime though. About myself. About what I want out of my relationships.
Did you know that before the Civil War marriages between African Americans weren't recognized by the government?
It just makes you think.
Not being friends with her is hard.
Not taking care of her is harder.
The hardest part, however, is convincing myself that this is for the best.
How can I feel this so completely, to the point where I can feel my heart wrenching every time I'm around her, and have her feel nothing in return?
Why is she so depressed now?
Why did she stare at my body like a piece of meat New Year's Eve?