So, I totally blew up at a girl who eats lunch with us. Annie, the homophobic girl. I just went off on her. I feel kind of bad now, I mean, I made her cry. And I feel bad. I'm not sorry I said the things I did, but am sorry I hurt her. I'm not mad at her. I'm not. I hate . . . I don't know. I just know that she was the closest person i could blame for all the pain I've had to deal with.
I hate it. So fucking much. The series was okay before the third and fourth books came out. Its just religious propaganda. I mean, so they don't have sex until after marriage, then she gets pregnant, and wants the fucking kid! WTF?
I haven't really thought that much about anything today. I just feel like I could die. I mean, I knew that my dad would always choose Sheri over me, but to have him not deny it, I don't know. So I'm not going to go to therapy with him anymore. I can't handle it. I just want to put that part of my life behind me. I don't want to have it be brought back up to slap me in the face every tuesday.
So yeah, I thought I'd give you a little backround on the kinda poem I wrote before this. I'm dieing in the inside, so I'm going to keep it short so as not to start crying again. So pretty much I finally told my dad in therapy that if it was a life or deatrh descision, and he coujld only save one person, her would choose Sheri over me. He didn't deny it. Which really hurt.
Don't you dare stand there and tell me you care about me.
We both know it doesn't matter.
We both know you chose her.
Nothing matters other than that.
I know you're programmed that way.
It makes sense.
when I ask you if I asked if you'd choose her over me,
do you just say its a good thing its not either or?
Or maybe I know.
I've had a really hard time today. I was okay before I went to sixth period, but one of my friends is having a hard time with her step-mother. She started to cry, and it brought up alot issues I thought I had delt with. It always sucks to realize that you aren't as good at dealing with stuff as you thought you were.
So I finally finished ALL my math homework. It took me all day, and yes, I did end up doing all the things I procrastinated on all week. Sundays suck for that. You have to do all the things you put off until the weekend.
I want a fuck-buddy. No, not really, I just have all these pent up sexual feelings. Its been a really long time since I've dated someone. I guess I just want to feel something. I feel numb, so very numb. I don't feel like myself right now. I feel like I don't understand myself right now. I just feel so odd. I don't know why.
So I came out to my Granny. Ackward. So very ackward. My moms out of town for a couple of days, and thats coolish. Oh, and I found out I'm getting a B- in math today. I'm really sad. Don't think I'm one of those girls who getts really upset when they have an A instead of an A+ but a B- is only barely above a C. I thought I was doing so well this year.
I've decided to come out to my granny before she leaves. . .*gulp* thanks Jeff, for your logical reasoning, it helped me make my decision. I'm really nervous though, and I don't know if I'll do it tonight, or tomorrow morning. I've been waying pros and cons all day. Tonight I'd have to see her tomorrow, where, if I came out tomorrow, I'd be able to escape to school.
Yes, the title is a statement. My friends are kickass. Other than that one girl who still eats lunch with us, even though she is a evil fucker who is happy prop 8 passed, all my friends are amazing.
Hey, so I went to a rally today, and it was fun. It was long, and I couldn'r hear anything. But i screamed alot. I mean ALOT. I have choir tomorrow. Wow, I mention choir alot more than any of my other classes. Anyway, I don't think I'll be able to sing.
So I went and saw the local production of Les Miserables. They did a really good job with it, I didn't get to say hi to the friends I have in it though. I guess my friends will stop bothering me to see it now. After seeing it, I can really laugh that they showed it for the elementary school kids, and didn't alter it at all.
So yeah, I just realized how much my life sucks. Why do I always fall for straite girls? Would it kill me to like a nice queer girl every once in a while? Like really, H, one of the girls I like, is like the anti-queer. BUt shes so cute. She's even dating a guy in my grade. A GUY!! why must the universe taunt me so?
So I've been kinda down the last couple of days, you know what with Prop 8 passing (yes, I am sorry, please don't count how many times I mention prop 8, I know its alot). So I walk in, I skipped 1st through 5th period because I was really upset. So anyway. I walk in, and this girl asks me "Are you ganna be all emo again today?". Can you beleive that?