So hey! I haven't been on in what feels like forever. Life's been pretty rough and a lot have things in my life have changed so writing about them probably would have helped, but I have a bad habit of keeping things balled up. But anyway, life's better.
short post (i'll post the actual article later when it gets uploaded)
so a middle school science teacher and the leader of our middle school GSA has been awarded a the 2011 GLSEN teacher of the year! it's really exciting! our school newspaper wrote about him so i'll post that when it gets uploaded!
so hey guys! i haven't been on in a while. i need a break to really think to myself so i've been a complete hermit for the last month or so. and during the hiatus i have realized a few things. one, i really don't care what people think of me anymore. i used to but say i didn't but know i really don't care. i joined the GSA and if its social suicide, then fuck it. i don't care. ima be who i am. and that kinda leads to the second part. my username doesn't really apply anymore. i'm not going to change it, but i've realized that i'm gay.
i wanna do something. i wanna help people. i don't wanna die not having done anything with my life. i just watched a short film where there was an earthquake that was coming for new york and people new about it. some people were running and some were embracing that they were going to die. it made me think. i need to do something. i want to help people. my life needs a purpose. i know i'm still young and i have the rest of my life to figure out what i want to do and how i can help people, but that is the thing. what if i died next week? what could people say that i did.
so this is going to be fairly short cause i need to get to the mountains of hw i have. anyway today i went to my first GSA meeting. were going to do an assembly on gay marriage and DADT and terminology and stuff. so that is exciting. one of my new years resolutions is to go to GSA at the start of the semester and since this was the first meeting of the semester, today was the day to put popularity behind me and do what i really wanted. now my school is pretty progressive so GSA isn't total social suicide but it is high school...so yea. it was fun.
so for about a month now i have been wondering or trying to define what my personal sexuality is. its a question that i want to answer and i want to answer soon. for about 3 years now i have identified as bisexual (hence the name) but i have recently realized that i can't see myself with a guy, not do i really want to. when i fantasize about my future life and settling down and having a family, i never have imagined having a husband. it has always been a girl. so i am starting to think that i may be lesbian. i have had a crush on one guy in my life but even then i just found him attractive.
i'm not exactly sure why but the BIG SECRET! that i couldn't tell people before that was making me fairly depressed was that i was switching horse barns. it was more stressful than it should have been because i knew my instructors were going to be mad but they actually took it a lot better than expected. i left on a good note and i think things are still ok between friends. i got one text from a guy i had worked with for three years which was nice. but none others so well see how things go. i love my new barn and i think it's going to be a great fit for my horse and me both.
...to care. i could care less about things that i would be totally excited about or things that would usually make me sad. like yesterday was the first day i had ever had a friend over at my house, we had fun, but the usual me would have been ecstatic, and i was just...i don't actually know. we had fun, but not as much as we would have if i were not so depressed. i'm starting to think that i am actually depressed and not just sad. it's affecting me physically and mentally. i am not thinking things through and i haven't slept well in...i don't know how long. i'm stuck.
guess who just got their permit? and guess who drove around a parking lot and down their street? and guess who backed into their driveway and didn’t hit their dads car? not me :-(
actually i lied...i did get my permit!!!!!!!!!! :-P
its kinda funny that shelby was talking about people being happier on here the other day because that same day, my life got a lot happier. i still can't talk about it but i will be able to soon. but i found it funny that my posts were pretty sad, and then the day that the post went out, my life brightened up. as the quakers say...WAY OPENS!!!!
ill explain more soon, probably in a comment or something! anyway, i hope everyones had an ok, if not better, day!
i should be asleep right now. its almost 1 where i am and i get up at 7 for school. i'm going to fall over tomorrow but i cant sleep. i know people always say they have a lot of shit on their plate, but i actually have a heaping amount of shit on my plate. i cant say everything on my mind right now, and i think thats my issues. close friends have suggested therapy and i appreciate that but right now is not really the time for therapy. i think it would help, but time and horseback riding wont allow that to happen any time soon. i'm not exactly if/when things are going to get any better.
soo i haven't written anything in a while so i figured i'd update people and say hey to the people i haven't met before. so hey! right now i am in drivers ed. it isn't the most interesting thing i have ever done but it will be worth it. i get my permit in 3 weeks and i'm so excited. i can't wait to be independent and such. my teacher used to be a pro football coach and now he's a high school coach with a side of drivers ed teacher. he gave us his whole story. that's about the most exciting thing that is going on in my life.
ive got so many of them. so many to write down. there all just jumbled in my head. wanting to get out but they can't find the door. i want to gt them out but i don't know where to start. i guess its like a glass box...they'll get out when they reach the breaking point. im just wondering when that will be
HAPPY TURKEY DAY EVERYBODY! or in my case...tofurkey day! lol never the less...HAVE A GREAT DAY GUYS!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y