triggerwarning...transition , self hate, etc.
for the first time the other day, it was thursday night, i turned to a friend of mine during a VIP dinner we both went to.
i asked her "i know this doesn't matter what you think but i just need some validation. would you rather i transition medically or not exist?"
she seemed confused.
let me explain quickly that my idea about transition has changed rapidly and i am now hoping to pursue top surgery and i'm not sure about hormones but maybe.
I had the worst start to my morning. My mom was yelling at me. That's what I woke up to...5 minutes worth of being lectured as my mom quite literally was shouting at me. See , here's the thing, I don't do this on purpose, but I don't hear my alarms go off in the morning, and so my mom was yelling at me, because she's so pissed with me about it. I'm not doing this intentionally at all.
And people wonder how I have the guts to beat myself up?
Anyway, I'm in a relationship with a girl. She's amazing <3 .
So I really kind of suck at this keeping up with the journaling thing.
For a long time, I wasn't having luck with signing into Oasis, for some reason it wasn't working at all. But it's up and working now and so I figured I'd take advantage of that.
I feel badly that I haven't kept up with the journals. Part of the reason is that I feel like everyone's new and so I won't know anyone, I'll be out of that loop. But to be honest, when I was a newbie here, I used to hate when people made it sound like they suddenly were better than Oasis or something.
So I need to vent and I'm back.
For a while, my OasisJournals wouldn't work for me. Then it began working but I forgot to sign in. I'd remember to do so and then sit down to do it and forget. Which brings me to one of the main things I need to vent about.
I am having a ton of trouble with my memory. I'm not sure if its partially a social phobia/anxiety -related issue or what. But I forget what I'm saying in the middle of a sentence. And I've been very forgetful. I feel like I'm making less sense when I talk but I don't know if that's just a misperception I have.
So I'm sorry its been a while, though I haven't forgotten about you, Oasis.
This past week, I started back at Uni. In all 4 classes, I am going as Eli and with male pronouns. I'm so worried people will slip up because, let's face it, I almost never ever ever pass. :(
I'm back and I said I would try to be, which is awesome! :) I hope to keep returning for sure! :D
Anywho, just an update on life.
So what have I been up to?
I'm not sure how many of you here "know" me or how many of you I've actually had contact with. I can sense, however, that many of the regulars that used to be here probably aren't here so much anymore...maybe they grew out of it or some such thing. I dunno.
Trigger Warning: Insomnia, eating disorders, disordered eating, self-image, body image, gender dysphoria, self-harm, depression, mental illness
so things have been weird lately.
and by that i mean bad but i just dont know what adjective really fits anymore to describe what im going through.
im sorry for venting/complaining, whatever it is you think i'm doing, but i really need to and i feel like i dont have any other venue to do it. i do feel bad that i only come back to post such selfish stuff though. sorry.
So I've been gone forever and I'm sorry.
There;s so much to update on, I don't know where to begin.
well, in Uni I'm taking 4 classes this semester (the minimum to still be considered a full-time student) and two of them I absolutely LOVE, one is pretty good, and the other doesn't seem so promising but I'm trying to force myself to open my eyes to the possibility that it can/will/maybe improve.
i feel like such a monster and such a screw-up.
i want to write and i feel jittery but calm but i dont know what to write.
i dont feel like talking about any of the shit going on now. but no, i'm not "ok" or "fine" or whatever other word you think i should use to make others happy.
it doesnt even really matter anyway, now does it?
#bpd taking over like a fucking dictator.
i really just want to go to class and use male pronouns and be eli. i just cant fucking stand being a girl.
i talked to my prof today and was going to ask if she could use male pronouns for me but i didnt sound so sure when i said it so i think it didnt realy get my point across.
and then at one point i asked if hypothetically, if i wanted to and was ready for an informal name and pronoun change for class, if that'd be ok. i think she said yes. at least im pretty sure of that.
So I hope you dont mind me mentioning your name, hell (hellonwheels), but i feel like you can related? or could relate at one point, in one way?
So internalized phobias...homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, whatever...it all sucks.
I remember you were having a hard (to say the least) time with internalized homophobia, hell.
And i feel terrible about this but I need to admit this. I'm really internally transphobic, and tonight was worse than ever. I did some pretty shitty things and I regret it.
Am I the only one out there?
I kknow I always say this after being gone for a lengthy period of time, but I want to say it anyway....I'm sorry.
I want to get back to writing, legit, on here every day if possible. Why's that always fall through the cracks? :(
I hope to get back to writing things not so dismal.
But first, I need to get something off my chest.
WARNING: mental health, depression, bpd, etc....
I'm so depressed. As always, I know.
But I want to just sleep. And I don't feel like eating because I'm not hungry and I have no energy.
So, I know I promised two entries yesterday and only wrote one, which was off the radar in terms of subjects I said I would be focusing on.
So here's a post that I don't know how well it will turn out because I'm still processing the ideas in my own head. But It's actually going to be about trans*genderism in general.
Being trans*gender does NOT mean:
-you need to go to (gender) therapy
-you are sick/ill/have a disease/are possessed
-you need to take hormones
-you need to have surgery
-you need to hate your body
-you need to hate yourself