I will be writing two journal entries today. This is my first and it will not be on the subjects of gender/sexuality as I had been posting. My second post today, however, WILL follow the subjects of gender/sexuality as I have previously mentioned I would do.
TRIGGER WARNING: Depression, Insomnia / Hypersomnia, Eating Disorders, EDNOS (eating disorder not yet specified), Anorexia, Issues of Self-Perception, Gaining/Losing Weight
So it's been more than 12 hours...I'm aware of that.
I would apologize, say I'm sorry, and guilt myself into feeling terribly for my failures. But I am not going to. There's nothing that I should feel sorry for, in relation to journaling/not-journaling on here.
There are two unrelated topics about which I'd like to write. But they don't really fit nicely together, so I'll pick one and then do another one as a separate journal entry.
Sorry for skipping out on you for the past couple/few days. I'll return again soon. (Soon as in 12 hours, not soon as in three weeks from now)
The term "passing" is when someone is seen as the gender that they want to be read as, aka, they "pass" as a different gender. I don't like this word so much in this sense because then it seems like it's all a game, some sort of evil scheme--a deception or something of the sort.
I wanna be lazy and not write anything, but I feel like I should.
I've been feeling really discouraged recently in terms of understanding myself.
Today, I had therapy and I talked to my therapist about my gender identity and my sexual orientation and just the crazy spectrums, in general. Right now I'm not up for writing a real journal entry.
But I want to write about today at some point.
Remind me, please?
Clothes aren't gendered.
In fact, we as a society, are responsible for socially constructing meanings and attaching them to different genders. So dresses in and of themselves have no gender. But we attach dresses to female-identified people, and so we come to think of dresses as a woman's outfit.
Anyway, its weird because there are clothes I want to wear but I want to wear them with a flat chest. And only with a flat chest, so that doesn't really work.
I'm disappointed, though.
I really want to wear v-neck shirts, and tank tops. But not with a chest.
Bodies are an interesting thing because since they're right there, attached to us, it's easy for us to get caught up in thinking that our bodies define us. They don't.
Or maybe, they do for the time being, but we don't have to let it control us.
Sometimes I hate my body. Other times, I don't like it but I can deal with it to an extent. Sometimes I don't think about it. Other times, it is the object (or subject?) of a compulsion / obsession.
[Trigger warning: eating disorders, eating, body weight, body image issues, weighing self, self-perception..]
So I don't know how many of you that I know are still on here. But for those who don't know me, I'll say a bit about myself.
My name is Eli and I attend University. I identify as transgender (trans*). I identify as a guy/boy/boi/dude, but I do NOT identify as a man. I prefer male pronouns.
Most of the people to whom I've come out, I do so as a lesbian. I am out to my family as a lesbian.
I'm a trans*guy who does not fit into the "expected" trans* narrative. I didn't grow up knowing my difference in gender identity, didn't ever really consciously think of it until my teen years, and the list goes on. I am not on hormones or getting surgery. While some may see this as me not being "trans* enough," I want to say one thing: I am who I am. My trans* narrative is just as valid as any, even if it isn't the "normal" experience associated with a trans*person (ftm).
I'm writing this because I have therapy tomorrow and I never remember what I need to tell my therapist and so I figure if I write this down and if it comes out as an accurate representation of what's in my head (rather than a ball of confusion), then I'll print it and bring a copy with me to therapy. Somehow I feel as though I can write more and dedicate myself more for journals on here more than something I necessarily just physically write down with paper and pen. Maybe I'll write a different version of this for myself, type it into a document, but I'm going to do this for now.
So part of the reason I haven't posted is that I've become very strongly affected by health issuses and don't want to ramble on about it.
"Am I trans* enough?"
This question has come to my mind several times recently. And to say "several times" is a large understatement on my part.
I have become quite uncomfortable with my gender, especially these last few days, which has prompted a lot of thoughts to come to mind and realizations to be made.
What I have realized and have to work to accept, at least for the time being:
-I live as a female, with female name and pronouns
-I cannot get gender therapy
-I cannot go out of the house for an LGBTQ-related event
(I'm going to nickname my therapist Nyq just so I can keep things confidential but I dont have to keep writing "my therapist" every time I want to refer to her).
Please note that this has taken a lot of courage to put this up. I dont really know that I want to or feel okay doing this, but I know I need to.
So without further beating around the bush, here goes....
I will be writing a new journal entry about how I plan to talk to my therapist about me being trans* . I've mostly come out to her before, but, as you'll see in the letter that I'll post in a different journal entry, I have to talk to her and assert myself about my discomforts.
For a while, I've put this off because it ashames me, embarrasses me. But I think it really gets in the way of many things that are probably issues that someone should be aware of.
Be on the lookout. Im typing up the letter right after I submit/post this entry.
So, about Gender....
Dresses make me really uncomfortable. And while I've worn them before, the last time I wore one, I think, was perhaps in 2010? No...there might have been a more recent time, but I can't remember. Anyway...whenever it was that I last wore a dress, it was at a point where my gender questioning wasn't yet "full-swing" and so I really didn't like dresses, but I didn't feel sick over wearing them. Sure, they made me feel uncomfortable.