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Oh, How I Loathe You, Dysphoria

I've been having a lot of body dysphoria lately, mostly concerning my chest and my neck.

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As of this moment right now

As of now, this exact second/moment, my biggest fear is that I'll meet someone and once they hear how much therapy I've been through and still have to go through, they'll leave.

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These 2 world have just collided

I feel like I live in different worlds with different lives and that they're about to collide.

Tomorrow I go back to therapy...first time in almost 2 weeks. I have to report to them everything about my dad, my mood, my weight, my binding. I am really not looking forward to confessing all of this. I'm excited, though, for tomorrow as well.

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New pics?-I wish

Everyone has all these new pics posted on Facebook of them partying with their best friends.

I'm so depressed.

I have no friends. And even though I don't drink/smoke/do drugs/sleep around, it'd be okay to invite me to a party. I never have been.

Depressed as ever.

Why can't things be different?

(Happy) New Year? To me, its no Happier than last year. that's why I've stopped greeting people with that stupid, silly little saying.

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My Its-The-First-Of-The-New-Year Journal entry

Hello, Oasis. Lots to update on. I'm back home, now and am able to sit down to write a little bit before the day truly gets underway.

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I Know you dont want to hear me whine

I know you don't want to hear me whine, but I figured I'd write all this stuff down anyway to get it off my chest. If only I could get other things off my chest by just posting on Oasis....

anyway, I'm alerting those of you now who might not know me yet or those who do but only want to see me through the easy days, this may be a hard journal for you to read.

here goes...

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Welcome to paranoia-land

So, when we were stuck in the blizzard, for a full 24 hours I couldn't have my medication (we didn't have it with us). So, I skipped an AM and a PM dose.

Anyway, I'm back to being very very very paranoid.

And I'm finding the whole Dad thing to be coming back. Blah.

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She looks hollow inside

sorry in advance for this, i just really need to get this off of my chest. but please comment.

I want to break down crying and say it. just say it. but i cant. so many strings attached.

this goshdarn depression has gotten me yearning to cry and i cant even do that. i'm such a failure.

and all i can think about as i stare at the picture of the girl i once knew is how hollow she looks inside. how if i look in her eyes, there seems to be a black void inside her body, eating away her sorry little ass.

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Apology after 48 hours

Sorry if I worried anyone since I didn't log onto this site in over 48 hours. I was stuck because of the blizzard and wasn't able to get back to the house where I was staying.

In over 48 hours I haven't changed clothes nor showered. And practically that full time my cell decided it would be a good time for it to die.

Cheers, eli

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quick, random journal

Quick mention before I go to sleep and forget I wanted to write about this....
in therapy the other day, the woman leading said to me:
Woman: (Insert birth name, GIRL name, here), why did you take 6 painkillers?
Me: I ....uhm...had...really...bad.....(then here I had what felt like a 10 minute pause, you know, that part in the movies where its all slow-motion and they play that music so you KNOW something important is going on but you havent been clued in just quite yet)...cramps.
(then i went on how i didnt take all 6 at once, just throughout the course of the day.

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This is really unsettling

This is so unsettling...being the only one online at Oasis. seriously, i know its a holiday but in order to have a refuge of appearing as a girl from the life i know outside of oasis , its so unsettling to be alone here.

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Its THAT Time of the Month

I could use some assistance with this one...

As it is that awful painstaking time of the month, I am reminded more and more by mother nature to just SHUT UP ALREADY, YOU'RE A GIRL. This week is really hitting me hard and more than usual. The cramps are so utterly painful. And I keep getting reminded that I can dream as much as I want, but all it is is a dream, still at the beginning and end of the day, I'm a chick.

I'm sorta hoping that talking with people who know about my dysphoria will just extremely kick in this week with the whole calling me Eli and such.

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So maybe this will take away every single friend of mine

So, yes, the title caught you.

But I shall warn you, I'm not one for random titles. Yes, unfortunately, its going to match my post. Boo. Yes, I know.

Anyway, I am up and awake and normally would be into reading others' journals and commenting. But not tonight. Not after I've had a day like this one.

Anyway, I know I'll lose friends on here for this, so before I disclose anything, I just want to know how many of you would be pissed off at me if I stated what's going on with me.

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you've got male.

I'm feelin so male.
How bout you?

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Me, according to the last few days

So yesterday, after some conversations with another transguy here on oasis, I was looking up guy clothes, in hopes of buying some stuff soon. i really wish I could get a binder, because I really love v-necks, but I'd have to bind if I did, because I want to wear one as a guy.

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